7mondays

Open letter to Washington

2010-03-26T12:31:00.003-06:00

Dear Politicians,

Can we go ahead a put a moratorium on shouting things out of turn ("Baby killer!") and starting chants on the house floor? ("Yes we can! Yes we can!")

I know you're all excited and you live in a world where dignity is overshadowed by a culture of "Look at me!"; but lets try acting like adults.

Until then, I can't wait to not vote in November.

I figured out why I'm not a pot head

2010-02-04T22:28:00.005-07:00

I was always disappointed in myself that I never became a pot head. I'm not really good at anything, and I thought that was something I would excel at.

I enjoy reggae music, junk food, deep conversations, and syndicated television. I would have been a natural.

So why did it never come together? Well, anyone who knows me knows that I hate ordering things over the phone. I get nervous ordering pizza, can you imagine me calling up my local drug dealer to set up an illegal narcotics purchase?

For once my laziness and low self-esteem work in my favor. In your face people who say I'm wasting my talents!

So that's my story. Really no point to it.

Messing with spammers

2010-02-01T13:35:00.004-07:00

I get a lot of Spam to my work email address, so I finally decided to make a fake email account and mess with them. I'll post them if anything funny happens.

For example I get this email saying I won a $2.5 million lottery for using the World Wide Web:

-----Original Message-----
From: Coordinator [mailto:nationallotto24@yahoo.co.uk]
Sent: Monday, February 01, 2010 2:53 PM
To: Info (US)
Subject: Final Notification
Importance: High

Dear winner,

This Email is to inform you that you emerged a winner of the sum of $2,500,000.00USD with the following numbers attached=
Ref Number: PW 9590 ES 9414
Batch Number: 573881545-UK/2009
Ticket Number: PP3502 /8707-01
in our online draws which was played Febuary this year 2010.

For further Information about your Winnings, contact your Lottery Claims Officer with the following contact Address Below.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Mr Clay Purdew
Lottery Claim Officer
Claim Department
Tel/Fax= 44-705-361-9282
EMAIL= claimdept@dr.com
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Congratulations! Thank you for being a user of the World Wide Web.

Yours Faithfully,
Mrs Kathy Terry
Lottery Coordinator.

To which I responded:

Greetings Clay Purdew and Kathy Terry,

It pains me to admit this, but I can not accept the lottery winnings.

My ticket number is not PP3502 /8707-01 as listed in your email. My ticket number is PP4493 /2303-01.

I sincerly apologize, but I can no longer live this lie.

Regards,

John Froland

So we'll see if they respond. As you can see, I've started to plant some seeds for an epic emotional breakdown from John Froland.

Haiti

2010-01-15T13:24:00.002-07:00

Because of my line of work, I'm getting a lot of questions about Haiti. If you want to help, your financial support is needed more than anything. There are a lot of scams out there, so just go to http://www.care.org and feel comfortable with your donation.

And while you're on the webs, head over to the Christian Broadcast Network at CBN.com and tell Pat Robertson to eat shit.

Some recent pictures

2010-01-09T19:22:00.002-07:00

Dwight Schrute:

Church in Iceland:

Meet me on the corner of Posthusstraeti and Tryggvagata:

Delicious:

Jude doesn't get one?:

Merry Christmas!

Decade in review

2010-01-06T09:33:00.003-07:00

In the year 2000 it took about 30 minutes to download "Bombs Over Baghdad" by Outkast off of Napster.

In 2009 it took me about 5 seconds to download "Crown on the Ground" by Sleigh Bells off of LimeWire.

And that's my decade in review.

Classic New York

2009-12-29T10:15:00.003-07:00

I have a story.

I was sitting on the 6 train waiting for it to leave Pelham Bay station.

An MTA worker enters the train and strikes up a conversation with me. He tells me that it is cold outside and I need a hat. I point to my hooded sweatshirt and tell him that it's not that bad. He says that he's probably just cold because he's from Africa and he's not used to this weather.

What a nice and pleasant conversation, right? How refreshing!

So I ask him where he's from. Ghana. I tell him that I've been there before, in the Volta Region. Now this is where things take a turn. I think he says to me "Did you scrub any girls while you were there?"

What? Scrub? He has a thick accent so I'm not sure what he said. So I asked him to tell me again. "Did you scrub any girls while you were there?"

I have no idea what he's talking about. He continues, "The girls from there have big butts, you know." Then he procedes to explain the joys of having anal sex with these large-rumped women (scrubbing?), complete with graphic hand gestures and sound effects.

Classic New York.

Iceland? Why Iceland?

2009-12-17T05:09:00.003-07:00

You may be asking yourself, "Is Iceland the right travel destination for me?"

Well, let me go ahead and answer your question with a series of questions.

Do you enjoy scenic vistas?

Do you enjoy majestic waterfalls?

Do you enjoy gazing at the Northern Lights?

Do you enjoy outdoor adventures?

Do you enjoy relaxing in geo-thermic pools?

Do you enjoy sharing a pint with your friends?

Do you enjoy dancing all night long?

If you said yes to any or all of these questions, then Iceland is the destination for you!

Saturday night

2009-12-14T09:15:00.005-07:00

Saturday night, in a crowded bar with a long Icelandic name that's impossible to type without special Icelandic characters on your keyboard.

A pint of Viking in my left hand, my lady in my right.

The rock band doing covers of American songs launches into a rendition of "Say It Ain't So" by Weezer.

I love my life.

I fought the Black Death

2009-12-12T09:34:00.001-07:00

And the Black Death won.

Life is hectic

2009-12-10T18:08:00.003-07:00

Thursday night:

Survivor
The Office
Illegal online stream of the Nuggets
Rashard Mendenhall and Hines Ward going for me in Round 1 of the fantasy playoffs
CSU vs UC-Boulder basketball on the Mtn

I am a busy man.

X-mas

2009-12-04T08:05:00.002-07:00

1) Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
2) Resident Evil 5
3) Fifa 10
4) Nintendo Wii
5) Super Mario Brothers for the Nintendo Wii
6) Shoes, shoes, any kind of shoes. Dress shoes, casual shoes, running shoes.
7) Socks, socks, any kind of socks.
8) Sweaters and other long-sleeved shirts. I think i'm good on t-shirts for now
9) Green chili
10) New Belgium beer. Any flavor. Except for wheat. It's too cold for wheat beer.
11) Money to check a suitcase so I can bring some New Belguim beer and cans of Green chili back to NYC with me.
12) XBox Live subscription
13) Any type of CSU, Denver Bronco, or Denver Nugget related item.
14) A suitcase that is bigger than a backpack but smaller than the one I have now so it is lighter and fits easier in an overhead. Maybe a hard-bottomed duffel bag. I dunno. I've never really looked into this type of thing.
15) Hoodies
16) The USA to avoid France and Portugal in the World Cup draw
17) Tickets to South Africa for the World Cup
18) Slingbox... actually, it might be a little premature for that, so nevermind
19) Jackets of some sort
20) Gorilla Pod tripod for small cameras

Oh. My. God.

2009-12-03T23:07:00.002-07:00

I just performed a mock World Cup draw and the USA ended up in a Group of Death with Netherlands, Ivory Coast, and the cheatin' French.

Color me concerned.

The real World Cup draw is tomorrow at noon Eastern. May God have mercy on our souls.

The Black Death

2009-12-03T09:39:00.003-07:00

Brennivín a.k.a The Black Death.

It is the official drink of Iceland. It's name translates literally as "burning wine". It is common to drink Brennivin as a chaser after eating a classic Icelandic dish: putrefied shark meat. (That's "putrefied" not "purified")

It is the cheapest liquor in Iceland so it is also associated with drunks and poor people.

I can't wait!

Look at my sweet video!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-10-23T21:59:00.001-06:00

Watch my video from China! 'Tis pretty rad!

The punch seen 'round the world

2009-09-04T21:12:00.001-06:00

Just in case you were wondering, I did see "The Punch". I was watching a live feed on Justin.tv.

For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, the Boise State vs Oregon game ended with some sweet, sweet violence. After a hard fought victory, some guy from Boise State decided it would be a good idea to taunt an Oregon player with a history of off-the-field issues (to say it nicely.)

The Oregon player responded by punching the guy right in the face. It was awesome.

Here is a picture:

But it is better to watch the full YouTube clip. I can't watch youtube in China, but I've been told that the link is here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UzfY-aXGcBY (or you could just search for it. I'm sure it is everywhere.)

The Oregon player just got suspended for the entire season, which I think is a shame. Watch the video. You can't tell me that the Boise guy didn't deserve to get punched in the face. I remember watching it and thinking "Punch him, punch him, punch him."

The Boise guy looks like Justin Timberlake from the D**k In A Box video. He's wearing a headband. For the love of god, he looks like a member of Color Me Badd!

Someone should be throwing that Oregon guy a parade!

Okay, I'm about to board my plane for New York. I just ran into Tracy McGrady. He is tall. In China he is super tall.

The world's finest China

2009-09-04T10:43:00.000-06:00

It is my last night in China! Where did the time go?!?! What will I do next!?!? Why is this happening!?!?

I'M IN A GLASS BOX OF EMOTION!!!!!

Tonight I went out with the staff to a Japanese restaurant. We had many types of sushi and a large Korean-style hot pot. (We went to a Japanese place to eat Korean food. Whatever.)

Then we went to an arcade and played some pool. I sucked. I failed at almost everything I tried here: pool, mahjong, swimming, badminton... you name it. I wish I could have stumbled into a "Reach Things On High Shelves" competition. I would have dominated.

We wrapped up our two-week long English class for college students. Our final episode of Friends was the one where Joey dates Phoebe's twin sister Ursala. There is a cameo by George Clooney, playing his ER doctor role. (Remember, this was back in '95)

We learned phrases like "keep an eye on", "feeling left out", "Score!", "do you have a second", "might as well", and others! I never realized how hard it is to explain something like "might as well" and when to use it. Probably the most difficult phrase to explain was "it occurred to me".

I went out with a bunch of the students to one of the fanciest restaurants in town: Pizza Hut. I'm not joking. The Pizza Huts here are pimped out. The only reason we went there was because they were having a special for people with student ID cards.

One of the students told me that I was the best foreigner he ever met! It was a very nice thing to say, and I was touched. But I've actually heard that in a couple of countries. I'm starting to wonder if I'm just frigging awesome, or if that is a typical thing for people to say.

Anyway, he gave me a hug and then said, "I only hug my best friends. My bosom buddies." Where do they get these sayings from?

So I'm all packed and ready to go. I have to be up in 5 hours to go to the airport. I've downloaded a couple hours worth of Jim Rome and Sports Guy podcasts, so hopefully I'll be entertained on my long ass flight. You don't get personal TVs on Air China. SWEET! On one flight I took with them, they showed a movie about tea. Tea. That's it. A movie about tea. Uff...

I still have a ton of stuff to write about, so look for more updates. Unless my plane crashes. Then I'll be dead and unable to update my blog.

Laterz!

I'm all kinds of famous

2009-09-03T04:40:00.001-06:00

Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I got mentioned on one of the internet's premiere sports blogs. No big deal.

Don't believe me? Check it out!

Pete's internet stardom

Weaving some tales. Or tails. Whatever works better.

2009-09-01T09:24:00.000-06:00

I can't believe my time here is wrapping up. I'm already half way through my LAST week! That's so crazy how time flies.

I figured I should tell some random stories that haven't made previous blog entries before I eventually forget them in this tangled mess I call my brain:

-The dance clubs here are fun, but only if you go early. We kind of consider ourselves the party starters around these parts. Whenever we go to dance clubs, they're pretty full but the dance floor is empty. That's until we hit the floor and just go for it. I can't tell if people love us or hate us, but they certainly can't stop watching us. And no dance move is off the table in China. You can bring out all the old-school moves: your Running Mans, your Cabbage Patches, your Carlton's; and they're all fresh and new.

Soon enough the dance floor will fill up, and I always catch people trying to imitate our moves. It's so cute. But then the dance floor gets overcrowded, mostly by dudes, and it immediately stops being fun. So we move on to another club and start the process all over again.

-It is pretty tired to complain about the traffic in another country, so I wanted to refrain from doing that. But seriously! It is friggin crazy here. This is the only country I have ever been to where a car actually speeds up when they see a pedestrian. They hope that by speeding up they will persuade you to not cross in front of them. And it works. I can't believe I haven't seen any bad accidents yet.

-People can't keep their eyes off my tattoos. It is hilarious. The look on some people's faces, it's like it is the most amazing thing they have ever seen. Or maybe they're befuddled because the characters on my right arm don't mean anything.

The worst reaction I get is that some folks just start talking to me because they assume I must know Chinese if I have it tattooed on my arms. One street vendor spoke pretty good English and told me I got ripped off because it doesn't make sense.

I was at a market and one man walked right up to me and grabbed my arm and just stared at it for 30 seconds. "Ni hao" to you too buddy... geez...

-A couple Fridays ago I was at a hip part of town know as the Bar Street, blowing off some steam after a long week.

So this Bar Street place is two blocks of bars. All the bars have no soul and they're all exactly the same. The decor, the lame live music, the staff in front begging you to come in. Everything. About a dozen bars that are all identical.

And just like everything else in China, you can actually bargain for how much you're going to pay for a beer! Some places charge 12 yuan (about $1.75), which is unacceptable. Others charge 10 (about $1.50), which is getting closer to a good price point. But we try to go to places that charge 8 (just over a dollar per beer). And you can have conversations with the staff at the door. "You're telling me beer is 12 yuan? But I can get it for 8 right down the street! You're going to go ask your manager if you can get us a deal? Hell yeah you are!"

We settle for a bar and get seated at a table on their front patio. Now their staff is yelling at people passing by: "Look! Americans! Foreigners! Come drink with Americans!" (they're saying this in Chinese, but we can understand them.)

So we're thinking this is kinda weird, getting put on display and all. But then this guy named George sits down at our table so he can practice his English with us and throw back a couple Coronas. George is 17 and is about a week away from starting his freshman year of college. He doesn't have a car, so his parents drop him off at Bar Street so he can practice his English with tourists. He's 17! Why weren't my parents so cool?

We ask him, "So why Bar Street of all places?" And he tells us that his high school English teacher recommended that the students go to Bar Street to talk to genuine Americans and see what they're really like. What a HORRIBLE idea! Americans at Bar Street are most likely going to be very, very drunk because there really isn't much to do there. I don't want all these kids thinking that this is how Americans are. I was going to write his teacher a letter, but I was too drunk. (Just joking! That would be against CCS policy!)

-I've been taking videos and I'm hoping to make a video montage of my China trip. I have a couple words for Windows Movie Maker: Hey Windows Movie Maker, you suck!

(I'm not trying to be mean. Today we taught our class "you suck" "it sucks" "this sucks", etc. I was just trying to use it in a sentence.)

-Oh man...You might not believe what I'm about to tell you, but it's true. So anyone who knows me knows that I judge a country by the quality of their local cheese puffs. The US of A is pretty bad ass and it aint no accident. It's because we're the home of Cheetos brand cheese puffs.

A lot of people ask me what country I like more: Guatemala or Costa Rica. Both countries are pretty even. Guat has an incredible history dating back to the Mayans. Costa Rica doesn't have that history, but it is probably the most beautiful country in the world (pound for pound). So how do I decide between the two? Cheese puffs. The Guatemalan cheese puff is a little too salty and a little light on the artificial cheese flavoring, which, believe it or not, is probably the most crucial ingredient to a cheese puff.

Costa Rica's on the other hand, are little balls of cheesy heaven. Queso de cielo, if you will. So you gotta give CR the upper hand in this debate.

So back to my original point, I was excited to sample China's cheese puff offerings. But guess what! THEY DON'T HAVE CHEESE PUFFS IN XI'AN!

Read that again:

THEY DON'T HAVE CHEESE PUFFS IN XI'AN!

Let that sink in.

Marinate on that for a moment more.

No cheese puffs. None. Nada. I have a hard time explaining to the staff what a cheese puff is.

So now how am I supposed to judge China? This isn't fair! I love being judgmental! HUMPH!

-I have other stories, but I'm tired. I can't believe my trip is almost over. I only have three more days to find a panda and eat it. I've been told they're delicious. Who told me that? I did. That's who. I want to eat a panda. Yeah, I said it. Don't judge me. And don't pretend you wouldn't be first in line to try a bite of my panda burger.

Good night.

Ni holla at my boys.

Giving credit where credit is due

2009-08-26T22:08:00.000-06:00

Everyone knows that I like to bash the University of Cesspool in Boulder whenever I get the chance, so it's only fair that I recognize them when they do something well.

Students and alumni of UC-B should be thrilled to know that their esteemed university has been ranked #10 in the nation of GQ Magizine's Top 25 Douchiest Colleges!

America's 25 Douchiest Colleges

Congratulations assholes!

The Birdman landed and nobody told me!?!?!

2009-08-25T10:39:00.001-06:00

Lets do a rewind to my last blog post right quick.

You will notice a picture of me standing on the Great Wall of China wearing a Chris "Birdman" Andersen t-shirt:

So that was Saturday while I was in Beijing.

Well as coincidence will have it, something else was happening in Beijing that day. Something monumental! I was reading Monday's edition of The China Daily and saw this little article in the sports section:

Can you believe that?!?!?! Of all people, of all days, of all places in the world! The Birdman was in Beijing while I was there too!

Can you imagine if I bumped into him on the street? I don't know what I would have done. I hate to admit it, but I bet I would have freaked out like a pre-teen at a Jonas Brother's concert. Or maybe I would have been in complete shock. Birdzilla? In China? Really?

So anyway, I'm super disappointed that I didn't hear ahead of time so I could have crashed the basketball camp and gotten a picture. I'm totally bummed. I can't think of anything that would make me feel better...

Well, maybe there's one thing:

Belly dancer with a snake! The gift that just keeps on giving!

Good night for now.

NI HOLLA!

Things to do in Beijing

2009-08-24T09:34:00.000-06:00

Here is my second attempt to write this. My first one got zapped.

DAMN YOU CHINESE INTERNET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My original post was really good. Probably the best writing of my life. I was thinking about entering it into some competitions. But now you're stuck with the half-assed piece of garbage. That is life.

So today was my first day with a class of college students. We're teaching them conversational English and really focusing on words and phrases that they'll hear that aren't really taught in school.

But the fun part is that we're taking the phrases from episodes of Friends and then watching the episode at the end of class. Then the students can ask any additional questions when the show is over.

Just an example, Monica was tricked by a guy and one student asked, "Why would a girl as pretty as Monica have such a hard time finding men?" And the answer was, "Because Monica was fat in high school and no guys liked her. She has no experience with guys." It's so much fun! This class is so different than teaching kids, and I hope it turns out well!

Today our ten words or phrases were:

Spell it out (Do you agree that Ross is a tool, or do I need to spell it out for you?)
Steer clear (You should steer clear of Ross, he is a gomer.)
It turns out (You thought you liked Ross, but it turns out he is a doofus.)
Turn-on (No one thinks Ross' whiney attitude is a turn-on.)
All for the best (Don't be sad Rachel, breaking up with Ross was all for the best.)
Going out (You're kidding me, Ross and Rachel are going out?)
Hit on (Gross, I think I just got hit on by Ross.)
Let go/Let go of (Hey Ross, you need to let go of Rachel you whiney little baby.)
Freak out (Don't freak out, Ross always acts like that.)
Walk out on (If I was married to Ross, I would walk out on him in 5 seconds.)

For homework the students will make 3 sentences for each phrase and then we will grade them to see if they're correct. I can't wait to see what they come up with!

I just got back from Beijing with two other volunteers! It was a blast. Here are some pictures and comments and such:

First we went to the Great Wall of China. (I guess in China they probably just call it the Great Wall because calling it the Great Wall of China would be kind of redundant. Kind of how in Kentucky they just call it Fried Chicken.)

Here it is:

Seeing the Great Wall for the first time was unreal. I have heard so many stories and seen so many pictures, it was kind of like seeing a celebrity. For me, seeing the Great Wall was almost as impressive as the first time I saw John Elway. I will never forget that rainy afternoon in Greeley, Colorado. After a long day of training camp he autographed my rain-soaked notebook. A notebook I would cherish for the rest of my life. Or at least until it got thrown out.

Then he almost ran over my brother with his golf cart.

I love you John Elway.

The stairs are really steep and a bunch of folks were struggling to get up them:

To be honest, I didn't think it was that tough. I think my lankiness helped me out because I climbed up those steps like they were nothing. I think the hardest part was going down.

Here is me trying to look tough and failing:

So that was the Great Wall. It was super cool. Not quite John Elway-cool, but pretty cool none-the-less.

Oh yeah, and our tour guide's name was Magic. He was awesome.

That night we headed to downtown Beijing (at least I think it was downtown Beijing) to a Middle Eastern restaurant called Afunti.

They had delicious food (like these mashed potatoes):

And tons of entertainment on the stage. They had belly dancers, kung fu fighters, guys playing weird instruments, we even got to go onstage and dance!

Here are some of the kung fu guys dancing with fans:

Her is a woman dancing with a snake. I thought I dreamt her:

Later that night I poured a giant pot of tea:

I noticed in Beijing there were two types of streets. Either they were super wide, like 16 lanes across, or they were these crowded narrow little streets like this one near our hostel:

All the narrow streets led to a nearby market. You could find all kinds of things at the market. I bought some posters and a kite. I even bargained! One guy wanted to sell me a poster for 300 Yuan (about $40) and I got it from someone else for 13 Yuan! (about $2) IN YOUR FACE CHINA!

It is very common to see a group of employees standing outside of their store or restaurant for a pep talk. I don't know if I could do that. I think I would quit. Here is one group standing outside of their roast duck restaurant:

About 5 seconds after this photo they all broke into a choerographed song and dance. I'm not joking. I would totally quit that job right on the spot.

So, I have a piece of bad news: Everyone who knows me knows that I've always wanted to open my own restaurant. And everyone also knows that I've always wished that the name of it would be Restaurant of Northeast Daily Family Activity Cooks.

Well, consider that dream shattered:

I had their fried rice. It was a little greasy. Thanks for ruining my dream!

The next day we went to the Forbidden City. Here is me right in the middle. They actually let me into the Forbidden City!!!!!!

This is a building that everyone was taking pictures of, so I decided to do it as well:

Dearest China,

I think I figured out why you suck so bad at basketball. You're not supposed to play on grass!

All the best,
Peter Van Bryerson III

And that was the Forbidden City. It was incredible. It was just acre after acre of these massive buildings. It is the largest collection of ancient wooden structures in the world. I still can't believe it was real. I kept thinking I was on a movie set or something.

Side note: I also kept thinking about how cool it would be to run around the Forbidden City shooting at zombies. If the next Resident Evil video game doesn't take place in China, I will be very upset. Just imagine all the dark ancient walls lit up by red paper lanterns, zombies creeping around in the shadows.

So I went from Forbidden City, which was amazing, to Tiananmen Square.

Okay, I get it. There is a lot of history in Tiananmen Square. But the place is just a large piece of concrete. Tiananmen Square is probably the worst tourist attraction in the history of the world. It's a freaking parking lot.

Here is a picture of it. Try not to get too excited:

Whoop-de-fricking-do. I hate you Tiananmen Square. I bet I just lost everyone's attention now. What can I do to regain it....

AND WE'RE BACK!

All and all, Beijing was pretty awesome. Not pictured were trips to a bar street near a lake, the Ming Tombs, a silk factory and a jade factory. I would write more about them but I'm tired.

If you ever get a chance to go to Beijing, give yourself more than a weekend! I didn't even have time to see the Bird's Nest Olympic Stadium and the Water Cube! BAH!

I gotta go to bed now.

Peace be the journey.

Cool runnings.

Learn Chinese in one week!

2009-08-20T02:17:00.000-06:00

So I've given up on learning Mandarin because I'm pretty sure I have some kind of learning disability, but I'm still taking classes and I'm actually learning some interesting stuff.

In Chinese there are a set number of characters and that number never changes. So when something new is invented, the new thing doesn't get a new character, instead they combine two old characters to describe it.

For example, when computers were invented there wasn't a new symbol created; they combined "electric" and "brain" so when Chinese people say "computer", they're really saying "electric brain". A cellphone is a "hand machine".

I love that.

The best one was when Coca-Cola started selling their carbonated soft drink in the 1950's. For companies with an English name like Coca-Cola, they run into a problem when they translate it into Chinese. They can choose a series of symbols that sounds like their name; but the series of symbols will probably have a random meaning.

So General Motors could pick symbols that roughly sound like "General Motors", but the symbols could mean something random like "Horse Green Tissue".

But Coca-Cola's is really cool. Their Chinese logo looks like this:

There are four characters in there that roughly sound like Co Ca Co La. (Not exactly, but it's kinda close)

But here's the cool part: The first character means "Fit for", the second means "Mouth", the third "very", and the fourth means "happy".

So when people read the Coke logo, it says "Fit For Mouth, Very Happy". And all of this is just a coincidence. How cool is that? Or am I just a dork? Whatever!

I went to a Chinese opera the other day. They did a tribute to the history of Xi'an or something like that. I'm not very artsy or cultured, so I really had no idea what was going on.

Here are some pictures with what I was thinking.

This lady thinks CHINA ROCKS!

These women are feeling blue:

They all got guitar looking things for Christmas:

Where the heck is that leak in the roof?

She's always getting her big sister's hand-me-downs!

This scene is meant to represent the greatness of the Tang Dynasty. Obviously humility wasn't part of their greatness.

So there you go. It was a great show!

Tomorrow is the last day with the kids from my second English camp. We've been planning a talent show and I was worried for a little while, but I think everything is finally coming together. The kids are singing "Old McDonald" and "Take Me Out To The Ballgame", two students wrote a play, we'll have some poems, piano performances, a couple magic tricks... should be a good time.

I'm going to Beijing this weekend and already have a tour to the Great Wall set up and then I start a new placement on Monday. I'm not exactly sure what it will be, but I think it is teaching English to college students.

And that will be my final two weeks in China! AHHHHHH!!!!!! This is going by so quickly. At least it will be football season when I return to the US, so that'll be fantastic.

Frick! I just had an idea! I should have taught the kids the Colorado State fight song! BAH! Oh well.

Only 17 more days until our valiant Colorado State Rams venture into the cesspool that is UC-Boulder and kick some Buffalo ass. But always remember, regardless of what the scoreboard says, CSU always wins simply because we're not the University of Cesspool in Boulder.

Wait... wasn't I talking about China? I get so distracted sometimes. Oh... who cares:

Fight on you stalwart Ram team, FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! GO RAMS!

Every day I'm just breaking down walls

2009-08-18T03:02:00.001-06:00

Hello there!

In China if you want to say "hello" you say "ni hao". I decided that I'm hip and urban, so I say "Ni Holla". I really think it's going to catch on here in China, so everyone remember this post when it becomes an international sensation.

There is a city wall around Xi'an that was built a long time ago. I would tell you when it was built, but Wikipedia is being slow and I know of no other way to research.

Some people might tell you that the concept of a city wall is a little out dated. The city itself has outgrown the center and spread outside the wall. It offers little protection due to the advent of airplanes, missiles, and giant pogo sticks. The real estate that it takes up could probably be better used as something else.

So the common person might see the city wall as useless. There is no use for an ancient wall around a city. Tear down the wall and redevelop is the only way to go, right? Wrong! Because the common person is an idiot, and the common man doesn't take in to account the one thing that a city wall is perfect for. One thing that is a constant threat to all of humanity. One thing that could one day wipe the human race off the planet earth, never to be seen again.

That one thing?

Zombie Attack.

The wall is almost 40 feet high and 50 feet wide. There are multiple watch towers and look out points to see approaching zombies and the wall is almost 7 miles long so there's plenty of room inside.

The key is to quickly get the residents inside and shut off all exits. We will also need a heavily armed medical team to check every resident inside for bites or other signs of infection. All suspicious cases can be quarantined inside a large square area located at all four major gates. These areas were used as traps years ago. The invaders would think they're breaking into the city, only to find they surrounded on all sides. Now we can just throw people in there and see if they turn into zombies. This is also the area where we'd hold new people who journeyed to the wall. They would be required to stay in this area for a week until they were allowed to mingle with the general population.

Since the area inside the city wall is so large, the city could be self sustaining for years and years. Finding a water supply might be a problem, but I'm sick of coming up with all the answers! Why don't you start pulling some weight around here? Maybe it's time you actually thought of something!

So I decided to check out the city wall first-hand, to see if it would be capable of keeping zombies at bay.

This is a look out area where the South Wall meets the West Wall. I am practicing my archery technique. Remember, the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it or destory its brain. So a well placed arrow through the eye socket will do the trick.

This is a building where the army kept all their weapons. This is most likely where I'll be hanging out when the human plague descends upon us:

Me peaking over the North Wall, with a busy street below. Hey, do you know what would be nice to put right in the middle of a busy intersection? How about a McDonald's umbrella? I'm lovin it!

Here's me breaking the rules:

You know what China? I know you have your rules and I respect them, but not now; okay? I'm a little busy with the whole zombie thing and can't be bothered where I can or can not ride my bike. Just give me a break and I promise I will deliver The Prohibition of Getting Your Brains Eaten By The Living Dead.

Also, please notice that I am riding a bicycle, the best form of transportation in the event of a zombie attack. It can go any where, it doesn't take a lot of effort, doesn't need fuel, and hardly makes any noise. A car will eventually run out of fuel or break down and the noise to attract a lot of unwanted attention. A motorcycle is better, but still has the same shortcomings of an automobile. The previously mentioned giant pogo stick would be an absolutely ridiculous form of transportation and I have no idea why you even thought of that.

Here is a breathtaking photo:

On the right of the wall you see the tops of some trees. A beautiful park inside the city wall filled with the laughter of little children. If you close your eyes tight enough you might be able to see like Susie and Ally playing hopscotch and picking daisies. O how they laugh and play! Look! Over there! Little Timmy is pretending to be a fireman, because Little Timmy would fancy nothing more than to be a fireman when he grows old. Just like his pop! O what a lovely summer's day!

On the left of the wall we have the ruins of what was a once proud city. All the new residencies and businesses are now left to decay amongst the swarms of living dead. What was once a land of hopes and dreams is now a cesspool of filth and rotting flesh. (Kinda like Boulder, Colorado.)

And the only thing keeping the two apart is the noble, towering city wall.

So let me ask you again, is there a use for a behemoth city wall in today's modern society? Methinks so.

Sorry, no update today

2009-08-14T01:34:00.001-06:00

So I was planning on writing another long update with pictures and such, but then I opened up ESPN.com in another tab. I have a fantasy football draft this Sunday that I need to prepare for. I figured it wouldn't be a big deal, but then I saw that Maurice Jones-Drew and Matt Forte are being drafted 3rd and 4th in an average Fantasy Football draft and now my mind is blown and I have no idea what's going on!

MJD at 3? Really? Matt Forte at 4? Are you serious?

I'm so confused.

Sooooo... now I need to do a Fantasy Football cram session before my draft.

Actually, being away from the US and not listening to the Fantasy Football hype might be an advantage. I have a lot of clarity right now.

I'm sure everyone is hyping up Jones-Drew because Fred Taylor left and now the job is all his. But what people tend to forget is that he and his offense suck ass.

(I actually understand why Forte is so high, I was hoping people wouldn't be on to him. Damn you World Wide Web!)

So anyway, my mind is clear. I'm going to do some tai chi, maybe drink some tea; and draft the pants of my Fantasy Football league!

This is the year I finally get it done! This is the year I reign SUPREME! The trophy is coming to NYC and there is nothing anyone can do about! VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND THESE GUYS ARE COMING WITH ME:

That's right! The whole friggin' Terra Cotta Army has my back!! Even the dudes with no heads!!

I'm bringing this dude too:

The little girl is coming with me as well! She might not look like much, but I heard she is vicious!!

It's over! Everyone in my league is friggin' dead!

The end.

(To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what I'm doing and I am woefully behind in my research and this is going to be a disaster. I just want to get pumped up while I still can. That is all.)

Eggcelent

2009-08-12T01:58:00.001-06:00

So I haven't found any weird food yet. The busy section of town that has a lot of street vendors (the Muslim Quarter) has a lot of different food for sale, but nothing crazy like cow eyes or cockroaches or something like that. (I've heard you can find stuff like that for sale, but usually in Beijing.)

So far the craziest thing I've seen was at the grocery store. They have these preserved eggs and shrink wrap packages:

That's a hard boiled egg in there. It is black because of what it is preserved in. Maybe soy sauce or something. It isn't refridgerated or anything. They just sit there on the shelf. I personally find that disgusting, but I guess it is common 'round these parts.

So I couldn't wait to try it, and I really really hoped I'd get grossed out. Here it is outside of the package:

I ate it and................................

I was very disappointed. It tasted a lot like nothing. The egg white was super chewy and the yoke was very dry. And that's about it. No dry heaving, no running around the house in desparate search for water, no convulsions on the dining room floor... nothing.

Last Friday we had our Graduation Ceremony for the Summer English Camp. It's so sad that I don't see those kids any more! I am teaching another class and the kids are great, but I do miss the first class.

Here are some sights from the Graduation. This is me with most of the kids in the class:

This is me with two local volunteers Sunny and Jason:

Sunny and Jason were crucial in helping me explain the activities to the kids and letting me know if the kids had a question and didn't know how to ask in English. They're holding up shirts that the kids designed on our Fashion Day.

This is a picture of me and Alice. Alice works for CCS and helped with all the teaching and lesson planning and making sure the classroom didn't turn into an insane asylum. She was my MVP!:

The guy in the middle? I have no idea. He started showing up one day and sat in on the class for younger kids. One day he did a drawing on a napkin of a stick figure dancing and gave it to me. He said, "That's you!"

This whole time I figured that the people at the summer camp knew who he was, but it turns out no one has any idea where he came from. Interesting dude, to say the least.

I took individual pictures with each one of my kids. I won't post them all, but here is my favorite picture:

So the kids sang songs, played the piano, did some dances and skits; most of the parents showed up and they thanked us after it was over. It was really fun!

Now I am off to the Muslim Quarter! We are going to some ancient house for a tea ceremony and a shadow puppet show. I think I might have to break out my shadow puppets. I little something like this:

Oh and one other thing! I know you're all following the US National Soccer Team after I wrote about them in previous posts and you learned to love them just like I do; so I wanted to give you a reminder that they're playing Wednesday at 4PM Eastern at Azteca Stadium in Mexico. This is a World Cup Qualifier, so it's important. If the US loses, it's actually not a big deal for them, but if Mexico loses this game they might be in some trouble qualifying for the World Cup. Nothing would be more hilarious than Mexico missing the World Cup all together.

I know a lot of you are new to the US Soccer bandwagon, so this will probably be your first chance to experience that routing against Mexico is almost as much fun as rooting for the US.

But try not to get your hopes up too high. Sure, the US is currently playing the best it has ever played in my lifetime, but remember that they are something like 0 for 35 alltime in Azteca. Yikes! Egads! Ralph!

That is all.

GOOD NIGHT NOW!

Time goes by

2009-08-08T01:39:00.000-06:00

I have been working with a small group of 10, 11 and 12 year olds for the past two weeks; helping teach them some English.

It has been loads of fun but the camps are only for two weeks and the first one is already over! On Monday I'll start another 2 week camp with a different group of kids.

I always exchange email addresses with the kids when I do stuff like this and it is funny that I always recieve random emails years later.

Right now my inbox mostly gets filled with random emails in Spanish from all the stuff I've done in Latin America. So it'll be nice to get some random Chinese emails for a change!

I don't have pictures from the graduation/talent show we just had, but I'll post those later. Here are a couple pictures of the things we've been doing in class.

Every day we choose a different theme to teach the kids and my favorite was Holiday/Festival theme. Here are all the kids dressed up in Halloween costumes:

Look how proper the girls on the left are standing. They are so cute and so painfully shy. They cracked me up every day. I couldn't get them to be silly or act up and they were so driven to learn more and to do all the activities. They were a lot like I was in school, but exactly the opposite.

The boys on the otherhand... I could not get them to settle down. Here they are decorating a Christmas tree with guns and bombs:

Here is probably some of my old teacher's worst nightmares: Me teaching!

My penmanship and handwriting tended to go in phases. This, as you can tell, is a bad handwriting day. And yes, there is one big omission in my list of Christmas related items. Someone alert Fox News.

Here are my kids getting their learn on:

So the new group of kids I work with on Monday better be cool or I'm going to kick them. Or not. Don't judge me.

What else....

I'm doing my best to try new things while I'm here. I went to one place in the Muslim Quarter that was known for the steamed dumplings. We got a bunch and I gotta admit, I'm not a big fan. We're going to another dumplings place next week, so I'm not ready to write them off just yet.

We were at a dance club and one of my fellow volunteers accidentally broke a lightbulb. We went to leave, but the staff wanted us to pay 200 Yuan (about $28 or so) to replace it. It was both scary and hilarious at the same time. We eventually asked to speak with the manager and ended up paying 10 yuan. (About a dollar.)

I went to the fountain show at the Big Wild Goose Pagoda, which is a pretty big tourist attraction and close enough to the Home-Base to walk to. I really like it there. The park around the pagoda is really nice and there are tons of families and stuff. It is big and there is a lot of space to spread out, which is a lot better than the crowded Muslim Quarter.

The fountains are very big and go off a couple times a day, with lights and music to go along with it. You're not supposed to get into the fountains, but everyone does anyway. Here is a little glipse:

The fountain is really long and that photo really doesn't do any justice as to how big the fountain is. I have a video of the show, but I can't post videos on YouTube so you'll just have to use your imagination.

Here is the Pagoda under a full moon:

This is a big deal because you hardly ever see the moon here. The smog in Xi'an is legit. I love it here and all, but the smog sucks. We just played basketball with some guys we worked with at our volunteer placement and I think I lasted about 15 minutes before I was gasping. We played 3 on 3 and the teams naturally broke into USA v China.

I got two impressive blocked shots, so that was fun. Overall the American team got smoked though. But those guys play at least twice a week! I want a rematch under proper conditions! I need a pair of basketball shoes loaded with all of today's cutting edge athletic shoe psuedo-science. I need a tray of the most exquisite meats and cheeses in all the land and regularly scheduled timeouts to eat said meats and cheeses. And I will need a towel made of the finest linens to wipe my face. Then, and only then, will I recognize the results of our inter-continental basketball showdown.

What else...

In Mandarian there is a word that is used quite often, I can't remember what it means... something like "this one". Anyway, the word sounds exactly like a word that Americans are never supposed to use and it kills me because I hear people saying it all the time.

This word is used all the time by the fine residents of the Bronx and I thought I'd get away from it for a couple weeks here in China. Boy was I wrong!

Speaking of NYC, I did a powerpoint presentation about living in New York for a group of about 20 college students. It went pretty well, they learned some stuff and picked up on a couple of my jokes, the only difficult part was making a PowerPoint slide about the borough of Staten Island. Seriously, there is nothing interesting about Staten Island. Well... you can take a free ferry there and see the Statue of Liberty... and... that's where the Wu-Tang Clan is from... and... well... there you go. Staten Island, ladies and gentlemen. Moving on...

That's it! Gotta run.

I always cry at weddings

2009-08-02T06:48:00.000-06:00

I went to a wedding on Saturday. One of the drivers, Mr. Wang, has a friend whose son was getting married; and we were invited to tag along and see what a Chinese wedding as all about.

(I had a couple videos for the day, but since YouTube is blocked in China; I can't post the videos there like a normal person. I tried other means and it annoyed me.)

We started at the groom's parent's house. The day is going to be filled with all kinds of pranks and obstacles for our intrepid groom to overcome. First, we were supposed to make it really hard for him to get to his car... but that never really materialized.

We had a quick little ceremony with fireworks and confetti (there will be a lot of those as the day progresses) and the groom hops in his ride:

The rest of us follow, a caravan of about 10 cars. We're on our way to get the bride! She is in a hotel room and the groom needs to bust her out.

After a couple minutes of begging, pleading, singing, bribing, telling jokes; they finally let him in!

Now he must beg her to marry him:

What is she going to say!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Well, you can judge the response by the video:

(nevermind, it didn't work. thanks chinese internet.)

But the battle is only half won! You didn't think we'd be getting out of it that easy, did you? Turns out that our bride-to-be lost her shoes and they're hidden somewhere in the hotel room and we must find them before we leave! After minutes of searching with no luck, a couple well-placed bribes to the Maid of Honor reveals that the shoes are in the closet and in a curtain.

Next, we caravan over to the couple's brand new apartment for a house-warming type thing. We mill around a bit, look at all their stuff, then everyone takes pictures with the bride and groom in their living room:

Now we head over to a hotel for the actual ceremony. The room has a bunch of round tables and probably fit 100 people. We're seated right in the front. VIPs baby!

The spread on the table looked like this:

And those were just appetizers. We weren't even getting started with the chicken, duck, pig shoulder, noodles, rice, soup, beef, vegetables, dumplings, pot stickers, and dessert. Goodness gracious, it was a lot of food.

The MC led the couple through a long ceremony which I didn't understand a word, except for the occasional gesture towards our table and a light applause. (They were thanking their guests from abroad for being in attendance.) The bride and groom finally tied the knot and we eat:

It was pretty cool that the families involved let us tag along and see how everything went. Hopefully we served as a nice little footnote to their wedding day. Maybe 30 years from now they'll be thinking about the day they got married and remember that group of shell-shocked foreigners who had no idea what the hell was going on.

China. Who knew?

2009-08-01T11:07:00.001-06:00

It's been a couple days since I last updated this thing, they've been keeping me super busy!

The other day three staff members- Jerome, Alice, and Makayla- took me and my roommate Ishwar to a badminton gym for what I thought would be a leisurely activity.

When I think of badminton, I visualize an all-american family having a delightful time on the net the set up in the backyard. What I didn't visualize was a hazy, smoked filled gym with boiling temperatures and broken lights. I didn't imagine going face to face with the likes of Makayla the Playa:

Alice the Wonder:

Jerome, the Smiling Assassin:

Let me tell you something, badminton is a legit sport. Especially when you're playing in suana-like conditions:

After about an hour of flopping on the court (literally and figuratively), we decided my best position would be Cameraman:

Last night (Friday night) we wanted to blow off some steam after a long week of teaching English to 8 to 12 year olds. We wanted to find a danceclub and check out the Xi'an nightlife. We really didn't know where to go, but we knew there was an area of town called Bar Street. Unfortunately, we don't know how to say that in Mandarin; so we were out of luck. Our taxi driver had no idea what we were saying, so we just started making dancing and drinking motions and hoped for the best.

We end up in a shady part of town at a club called Top Club 823; or something like that. I call the neighborhood "shady" because it was dark, not because it wasn't nice. But the club was probably the only building on the block that was lit up.

We walk in to find a DJ playing some loud music, about two dozen employees, and maybe 5 patrons. But the staff is so happy to see us and they lead us to a table. They put down a menu written in all Chinese characters. They want 200 Yuan (about $28), but we have no idea what for. We also don't know if they want 200 each, or 200 for the whole table. After a game of impromtu charades with the staff, we're pretty sure it is just 200 for the entire table. Now we need to know what we're getting. We try to ask them to explain, and the waitress just points to the menu. "That doesn't help us!" we laugh.

Finally, we just shrug our shoulders and give them 200 and keep our fingers crossed. Worst case scenerio we get a funny story out of it. To our delight, a waitress comes out with a plate full of fruit and another plate of popcorn. Behind her, a guy is carrying three bottles of iced tea and a bottle of Skyy Vodka. They mix up Skyy and the iced tea in a pitcher and a waiter stands by our table at all times to make sure our glasses or the pitcher never gets too low. All that for only $28, split amongst the table!

So now I'm doing some mental math, as a staff member I'm only allowed one drink per sitting. The drinks were being served in small glasses, about 2 ounces. There are 16 ounces in a Pint glass, so I figured I could have 8 glasses of Vodka Iced Tea and be in the clear.

We were starting to get bored with the place because it was empty and out of the blue the waitress hands us a letter in perfect English saying, "If you want to dance, go to the 1+1 Disco." Odd... but whatever. We take a cab to 1+1 and it is crazy. There is a bar side and a disco side and it is packed.

We're in the disco side and do our best to dance, but we can't! We're getting way too much attention! All the people at tables around the dancefloor keep grabbing at us or trying to get our attention to come to their table and drink with them. Everyone wanted to talk to us, offer us a beer, give us a cigarette... it was so fun!

Both of the clubs I went to seemed to work the same way, you order beer for your table and they give you about 18 at a time; so everyone had a table full of beer bottles and they'd just say "why don't you have one?"

Finally, I obliged: "Just one!" Little did I know is that now I had to chug the entire thing. You're freaking kidding me... So to not offend my host and to keep my manhood intact, I chug it down with much skill and ferocity. But then they say "Okay! Another!" At this point I take a fake phone call, deftly spin away from their table; and hide from them the rest of the evening.

Sorry fellas, you caught me about 5 years too late. Young, Full-Head-Of-Hair Pete would have loved to have been there to drink you all under the table and buy the next round of 18. Instead, you got Male-Patterned-Baldness Pete; whose back was starting to hurt and was wondering why they had the music on so loud.

We had so much fun and everyone was so friendly. I don't know what I was expecting for nightlife, but I certainly wasn't expecting that. China, who knew?

Today I went to a wedding, which deserves its own blog post and tomorrow I will get out of the city and spend the day in the countryside which should be nice. So I'll try to get another blog post in Sunday evening (Sunday morning for you).

Other quick things:

-We found a rocking pizza place, so no one needs to worry about me going hungry.
-I just bought a bootleg copy of seasons 1 through 12 of South Park for about two dollars and fifty cents.
-I had my first run-in with a "squatter". I won't go any further than that.

The future is now

2009-07-29T03:15:00.001-06:00

Here is a picture of me with my new Chinese name that I got last night. (I look goofier and goofier by the minute. It is really starting to concern me.)

The top character is like to the letter "B" and it turns out a lot of Chinese celebrities use that character as their surname. Which is fitting because I think I'm a celebrity here because everyone is always staring at me. Maybe some bootleg tapes of my karaoke work were leaked here in China. I can never be sure.

The single dash and the character under that are One Stone.

The small writing to the left is the date and the name of the artist, and the red is his stamp and a fingerprint of a CCS staff member named Alice who gave me my name.

So there you go.

Something that surprised the heck out of me is that when I came to China I had no idea I would be stepping into the forefront of Shower Technology.

Yes, you heard me correctly: The Forefront of Shower Technology.

Behold, the shower in my bathroom:

I have one thing to say to all you shower enthusiasts out there: THE FUTURE IS NOW!

Lets crack this baby open and take a look at the features.

We start with an overhead shower head, specially designed to feel like a warm rain accompanied by tropical mist. It makes you feel like an angel who happens to reside in an enchanted rain forest.

Don't get too excited yet. Next, we have a handheld sprayer for all those hard to reach areas. The handheld has multiple settings including spray, pulse, message, that one where all the water comes out of the middle and kinda hurts, and more!

That's fine and dandy, but what if you've had a long day? You want to get off your feet and let the warmth of the shower take you away? Well, how does a seat with six fully adjustable water jets designed to sooth your aching muscles sound? Too good to be true? Not so my friends:

Okay, I need to stop with the fun and games and get real with you for a minute. We're friends, so it's my duty to tell you this: Your feet stink. You know it, I know it, and everyone within a 500 foot radius knows it.

But guess what? Your feet wouldn't stink if your shower had its own built in FOOT SCRUBBER!

I need you to temper your enthusiasm for a moment because what I've shown you has been seen before. But now let me introduce you to the heart and soul of the shower. The control panel:

I know these bells and/or whistles are blowing your mind, so let me break it down for you one-by-one. We'll start with the timer feature in the upper left. This a crucial option because you may spend an entire day inside this marvel of technology if you aren't careful.

Next we have a temperature gauge. I'm not sure if it controls the temperature of the water or the entire shower unit, but does your shower have a temperature gauge? I didn't friggin' think so.

Now we have our volume control. Yes, volume control. I will get to that in a moment.

We start are way across the panel. First we have the on/off switch, a pretty picture of a bell (the cutting edge of technology and a work of art. Who knew?), and a button that says O3 that I have no idea what it does. But I'm sure it is miraculous, whatever it is.

Now we have a blank button that says "SR". The model of shower we have doesn't come with whatever this feature is, which is flabbergasting. How could there possibly be more to this living testament of man's power to create?

There is a Standby button which I find really nice because in this crazy mixed-up world of ours it's always comforting to know someone is there to standby you.

Next is an overhead light which is helpful for you to look at how awesome you are in your sweet shower.

A fan to keep the air moving.

The red button activates a steam function on the floor. So yes, now your shower can double as a steam room. Is that doing anything for you people at home? In your face.

And lastly, your eyes aren't deceiving you, that is a button with a telephone on it. (Hence, the volume control from before.)

Now I know what you're thinking, "Pete, I'm a busy person. With my hectic schedule I don't know if I have the time for a shower this advanced. I have a tele-conference with investors in Shanghai, a call to my import/export guy in Hong Kong, and make time to call my mother. I just don't know what to do!"

Well guess what you 21st Century businessman, now you can make all those calls and more while scrubbing yourself down to a shine. Studies also show that the best way to establish a dominant position in a business negotiation is to call someone from your shower. You know what that means, right? This thing will end up paying for itself!

Xi'an China: Come for the volunteer work, stay for the showers.

Another test of things

2009-07-28T08:10:00.000-06:00

I want to see if posting some pictures works.

I haven't taken any exciting photos yet, so don't get your hopes up.

This is a picture of the massive apartment complex I live in:

Today was a volunteer's birthday and this is a picture of the program director Eva with a cake she baked. It is a carrot cake that I was told was delicious.

And here is a picture of the calligraphy class we did tonight. As expected, I was horrible:

The coolest part was that the CCS staff and the teacher gave us all Chinese names. I can't remember how to say mine, but first they chose a character that sounds like my last name; and then the second character was the sign for One Rock. (With this symbol, "one" is more like "unique") My name means Rock in greek or latin, or one of those.

So once they decided on my name, the teacher painted the characters and made it real nice for us to keep. So I'm physched about that. Maybe a new tattoo idea! Hoooray!

I will take a picture of my Chinese name when I get a chance.

And that's my little update! I have to plan for my class tomorrow and get to bed.

Listen to my voice

2009-07-27T03:22:00.000-06:00

Disclaimer: I am feeling the jetlag pretty bad, it's 5:30 PM and I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open. Any typos, grammatical errors, or general idiocy are not my fault.

I feel pretty cool writing this blog post because it makes me feel like a Ninja, Spy, and Computer Hacker all rolled into one.

Most social networking and blogging sites like Facebook, Twitter, Blogger, and Ning are blocked; especially lately due to some dramatics in the western part of the country. So I'm having to use some of my computer-nerdy skillz to circumvent the fire wall (The Great FireWall of China, if you will)and give you this update.

Sidenote before we proceed: MySpace isn't blocked in China. How sad is that for MySpace? It has become so irrelevant that even the Chinese government is like, "Whatever, no one uses that site any more."

Poor MySpace. If it makes you feel any better, Friendster isn't blocked here either.

I'm enjoying my time so far in Xi'an. We have this ridiculous apartment that could fit up to 12 people and there are only two of us in there. I'll try to snap some photos when I get the time. (And I meant "ridiculous" in a good way. Like when Michael Jackson called himself "bad".

As you would expect, the staff here is really nice, and a lot of them speak great English. Which is nice for me because I'm only two days in to my six week program and I've already given up on learning Mandarin. I won't even try to understand it. I'm too useless. And I keep trying to talk to people in Spanish. It is a tonal language, and I'm tone deaf. And dumb. Deaf and dumb.

I've spent a little time out and about the city. Xi'an is pretty big (8 million people) and most of my time has been spent in the southern part of town near the Home-Base. So far my highlight has been a DVD mart inside a shopping center. All the DVDs are pirated and less than a dollar to buy. I guess I should feel bad buying these DVDs, but I have no idea where you'd actually buy a legit copy of a movie.

I love the architecture here. There's nothing cooler than walking down the street next to the normal looking buildings and then coming upon a structure with a roof like this:

It still doesn't feel real to me. I feel like I'm on a set of a movie or in a theme park. Maybe it's the jetlag and I can't process complex thoughts.

So far my favorite joke to ask the staff and other volunteers is "What are we having for lunch today? Chinese?"

OF COURSE we're having Chinese because we're in CHINA! Why does no one else find this hilarious?

Okay, I'm going to try to post this now. I don't want to get too into this entry and have it not working. Lets see...

Wyoming Sex Scandal!

2009-07-15T22:46:00.002-06:00

I hate the University of Wyoming.

Which is why I'm suprised I've never noticed this before.

Take a look at their logo:

What the hell is going on in the cowboy's bottom hand? That's disgusting!

Shame on you Wyoming.

Howdy ho

2009-07-13T00:30:00.003-06:00

I got my visa to China! SUCKERS!

Now it is crucial that I don't get sick between now and July 25th. The Chinese government is still nervous about Swine Flu. I guess they screen folks as they get off the plane. Take their temperatures and stuff.

But here's the crappy part: I can be fit and healthy, but if some jerk within three rows of me has a fever or flu-like symptoms I get quarantined! In the words of rap superstar DMX: Ain't that some shit!

So... getting my visa was only the first step.

I just bought an Altec Lansing IM600:

I needed a portable speaker device to play my music to the people of China. 'Tis my duty. And the Altec Lansing is a Consumer Reports best buy! The most power in its class!

I really have nothing entertaining to say. Worst. Post. Ever.

Maybe Gellieman can bring the flava to make this post worth a damn:

Here is some girl killing "Carry On My Wayward Son" on a keyboard:

Oguchi Onyewu. Oguchi Onyewu. Oguchi Onyewu.

2009-07-07T09:23:00.006-06:00

I decided I'd write another soccer post because typing the words "Oguchi Onyewu" gets me a lot of hits on the interweb. (I have a little stat counter on the bottom of my page.)

In a previous post I talked about Oguchi Onyewu and said that he was looking to move to a better league. Today he signed with AC Milan of Italy, which is pretty good. It is hot news right now in Europe and there are a lot of people using Google to figure out who the hell Oguchi Onyewu is.

Oguchi Onyewu, Oguchi Onyewu, Oguchi Onyewu.

In case you all forgot, here is a picture of Oguchi Onyewu:

Oguchi Onyewu, Oguchi Onyewu, Oguchi Onyewu.

And now that Google has pointed your web browsers to this site in your quest for soccer knowledge, I have one thing to say:

Dearest Europe,

GFY.

All the best,
The United States of America

(That. Just. Happened.)

My first yoga

2009-07-06T23:23:00.002-06:00

So... I went to a yoga class the other day. Seriously. Yoga.

I don't know what if it is more shocking that I went to a yoga class or that I was invited by my old, long-lost friend Loida!

You may remember Loida, the Bangin' Venezuelan, from my old blog about 40 ounce malt liquor. It turns out she moved to New York around the same time I did and we didn't realize it until a couple months ago! The horror!

So we're making up for lost time and that's why I'm doing ridiculous stuff like going to yoga class. (And because Nintendo Lii says I need to be healthier. But she's not exactly a good influence.)

The actual fundamentals of the activity were nice. Some good stretches and challenging poses. I liked that part. But it's the whole "yoga culture" that cracked me up. The instructor's soft and supportive voice, the moans and heavy breathing from people having some kind of yogasim, the adult contempary music and mood lighting, the gong... it's all a little too much.

But it was only 5 bucks for 90 minutes! I can't think of one thing in New York that lasts for 90 minutes and is only 5 dollars... a couple packs of gum?

Afterwards, Loida and I went to some restaurant for brunch. It was delightful.

Not a lot more going on... I find out Wednesday if my Chinese visa was approved, so fingers crossed for that.

Bronx Haiku: Motorcycle Diary

2009-06-29T23:45:00.005-06:00

This goes out to my next door neighbor who just had his motorcycles thieved in the dark of the night:

My peace is disturbed
The solution for silence?
Grand theft Yamaha

Be careful what you wish for

2009-06-29T10:01:00.004-06:00

Dateline: Castle Hill, The Bronx

My freaking neighbor and his motorcycles.

He's got a one-car garage that he rents out to motorcycle owners in the neighborhood. I think there are a total of three bikes in there as well is a small family sedan.

This is fine and dandy, except almost every weekend they pull the bikes out and rev their engines for what seems to be a good 50 or 60 minutes. Right infront of my window while I'm trying to watch my stories!

It drives me insane! What the hell are they doing? They're wasting precious fossil fuels, that's what! This is what the terrorists want!

So you can imagine the ill-will I've wished upon these two-wheeled disturbances of my peace.

Which is why I felt a small twinge of guilt when I heard that sometime Thursday night/Friday morning some street thugs broke into the garage and stole two of the motorcycles. And they just didn't wheel them out of the garage. The bikes were parked behind the car, so the street ruffians had to lift the bikes over the car to get them out.

And in classic The Bronx fashion, no one saw anything.

Maybe it's time for me to find a new place of residency.

In the meantime, I've decided to help the borough's marketing department with a couple slogans:

The Bronx: If it ain't broke, it ain't the Bronx

The Bronx: Fe Fi Fo Fum, I smell garbage

The Bronx: That guy who opened the door for you wasn't being polite. He wants change.

The Bronx: We're glad Michael Jackson died

The Bronx: Stop snitchin! (Oh wait, no one ever started snitchin, so forget I said anything.)

The Bronx: Your eyes aren't deceiving you. That's poop.

The Bronx: Seriously, this place sucks

Emotional Rollercoaster

2009-06-28T13:31:00.001-06:00

USA leading Brazil 2-0 at half. Billy Mays found dead in his home.

I'M IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To KTV or not to KTV

2009-06-25T23:14:00.004-06:00

In my process of preparing for my 6-week leave of absence in Xi'an, China; I decided to do some research. My first order of business was finding nightlife in the area.

There are a bunch of restaurants, bars, and cafes; but what stood out to me was the karaoke bars. In China they call it KTV.

These places are pretty top notch, take a look:

Unfortunately as I did some more searching, it turns out that these places are staffed by attractive females who have "services" for sale. The service can be something as simple as hanging out at your table and pouring drinks, all the way to accompanying you to a hotel room for some late night companionship.

Yikes.

Considering that my previous experience with hordes of prostitutes in Jaco, Costa Rica was a nightmare; I'm a little bit hesitant to go to one of these places.

But who are we kidding? It is my lifelong dream to recreate the scene where Chris Tucker does karaoke at a Hong Kong nightclub in Rush Hour 2:

And I'm going to recreate it come hell or high-water in a Xi'an whorehouse! For Michael! Believe it!

USA 2 Spain 0

2009-06-25T20:50:00.003-06:00

For everyone who took my advice a couple weeks ago and decided to follow the US Men's soccer team, I have two words for you: You're Welcome.

The US beats the top team in the world and moves onto the finals against Brazil. I am not a good enough writer to explain my emotions or the immensity of this victory. In fact, I don't even know how to spell "immensity" or if it is even a word. So I'll just let some crazy British guys explain the action for you. Enjoy:

Quick The Bachelorette Update

2009-06-22T00:10:00.000-06:00

Coloradans have a long, proud history of winning The Bachelorette. (It's true, look it up.) So you can imagine my dismay when Mark from Denver got sent home last week and broke the streak.

Let me tell you something Mark, you human piece of excrement, you let everyone down. Me, the residents of Colorado, and probably the entire Rocky Mountain region.

Let me tell you something else, dumb ass: you're a "Pizza Entrepreneur", would it have killed you to make her one goddamn pizza? Tell her you made it for her; throw on some canadian bacon (she is from Vancouver after all) and some red peppers (because they're red like a rose... I guess... I don't know! You're the Pizza Entrepreneur, not me, you waste of human life) and call it the Jillian Special.

Does this idea sound cheesy? (Yes, I said "cheesy"; I know.) Of course it does! But in case you didn't watch last season, your Bachelorette judges guy's personalities based off of their favorite hot dog toppings. She's not exactly the queen of sophistication.

But you don't make her a pizza. Instead you spend the entire show moping around because you've been cheated on four different times. You stupid son of a bitch.

Mark from Denver, I'll see you in hell.

The United States have done it! It's unbelievable!

2009-06-21T23:27:00.003-06:00

Okay, this is my last post about the game. But I needed to post visual proof that This. Just. Happened.

Behold the highlights from BBC Sports from England. Soccer highlights are so much better when you have a British dude going crazy:

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?

2009-06-21T15:08:00.007-06:00

Just an update on the USA's progress in the Confederations Cup.

Things looked pretty dismal for Team USA. They opened with a 3-1 loss to Italy, with two Italian goals being scored by mister Benedict Arnold himself, Giuseppe "Judas" Rossi. Then they got hammered 3-0 by Brazil.

Going into their final game of the first round against Egypt, the USA's chances of advancing were slim to none. There were a lot of fancy mathematics involved; but basically the only way USA could advance is if Brazil beat Italy by three goals (not gonna happen) and the US beat Egypt by three goals as well. (really, really not gonna happen.)

Both games kicked off at 2:25 Eastern and here's what happened:

USA v Egypt on ESPN2: Charlie Davies puts the US up 1-0 with an ugly rebound goal in the 21st minute.

Brazil v Italy on ESPN: Louis Fabiano scores for Brazil in the 37th minute. 1-0 Brazil.

Brazil v Italy on ESPN: 43rd minute, Louis Fabiano gets his second! 2-0 Brazil.

Brazil v Italy on ESPN: 45th minute, the Italians are falling apart! They put one in their own net! 3-0 Brazil going into the half!

USA v Egypt on ESPN2: Halftime, USA up 1-0.

USA v Egypt on ESPN2: 52nd minute, Jozy Altidore's shot is blocked on the goal line by the arm of an Eyptian defender, denying a certain goal. No call from the ref. Welcome to the life of US soccer.

USA v Egypt on ESPN2: 63rd minute, the coach's son Michael Bradley scores for the US on Father's Day! US up 2-0! The unthinkable might... no... it couldn't? Right?

Brazil v Italy on ESPN: Italy attacking Brazil in waves, at one point they even get the Brazil goalie out of his net but can't finish. Come on Brazil.... hold on....

I'm officially wearing out the "Previous Channel" button on my remote control.

USA v Egypt on ESPN2: CLINT DEMPSEY! THE DEUCE HEADS IT HOME! USA UP 3-0!!!!!!

USA v Egypt on ESPN2: USA enforcing their will. Egyptian after Egyptian limping off the field. How does a good 'ol fashion beat down feel Pharaohs? This can't be happening? CAN IT!?!?!

Brazil v Italy on ESPN: Brazil's defense holds!!!! 3-0 final!!!!

USA v Egypt on ESPN2: IT'S OVER!!! US WINS!!!! USA ADVANCES!!!!!!!

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES!?!?!?!?!?!?!

It needs to be said

2009-06-21T14:38:00.004-06:00

As the great American Shaquille O'neal would say:

Hey Giuseppe Rossi, tell me how my ass tastes.

USA! USA! USA!

The Bronx Haiku that never was

2009-06-20T11:33:00.003-06:00

I'm super disappointed today. I was going to add the second addition of my series of Bronx haikus about a church in my neighborhood. This church has been covered with graffiti for as long as I can remember, which I find somewhat appalling. I was going to snap a photo of said church and wax poetic about it. But I find out that someone finally cleaned it up last week. Curses!

Anywho, the haiku would have gone like this:

Spray paint signatures
The Lord's home is not immune
Stay classy, The Bronx

Oh well.

The greatest moment of my life

2009-06-17T21:46:00.004-06:00

54 seconds into this video. Ann Curry grooving to Ozomatli.

It just doesn't get any better than that. It's like it's my birthday or something.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

I love you Ozomatli. I love you Ann Curry.

I like my women how I like my putts

2009-06-15T09:34:00.001-06:00

I was watching a golf tournament on TV yesterday and the commentator kept describing easy putts as “hole-able”. Typically, my buddies and I would take a term like “hole-able” and turn it into an offensive term to describe certain females.

But all my friends in New York are women; so I’ll just end up talking about The Bachelorette instead.

Puerto Vallarta

2009-06-08T21:36:00.006-06:00

I hope you are having a fantastic day in the office.

Meanwhile, Brother and I are drinking:

And blessing Tonatiuh, the Aztec sun god:

Have fun pushing your pencils and counting your beans. NERDS!

Guatemala- The Marimba

2009-06-02T12:52:00.003-06:00

One evening the staff took us out to a little music hall in Xela for a marimba demonstration.

The marimba is an instrument that is special to Guatemala and the first versions of the instrument date back to the Mayans. I looks like a xylophone, but a lot bigger. It's so big, that usually three or more people play it at the same time.

Here is the marimba that the band played for us:

The band leader gave us an overview of the marimba and its history and then he let us play around with it:

And then they played:

The performance was so good. The marimba is so happy sounding and you can tell why marimba music is a staple for Guatemalan wedding receptions, graduation parties, family reunions, and things like that.

I thought that the marimba sounded exactly like the music from Super Mario Brothers, so I knew that there had to be an adaptation of the Super Mario Brothers theme song on YouTube.

I now present to you the Super Mario Brothers theme on the marimba. Enjoy!

It's-a me, Mario!

Be a Know-It-All: US National Team Players

2009-06-01T21:13:00.007-06:00

In part two of Be a Know-It-All, I will break down individual players. I'm going to include one statement for you to memorize about five key players so you'll sound super smart if you're watching a game with friends.

Landon Donovan

Nickname: Lando, Landycakes, the Mexicutioner

Overview: Team USA's all time leading scorer, arguably their best player ever. Unfortunately, he tends to dominate crappy teams and disappear against the elite ones.

Generic statement that will impress your friends: I think this is the year Lando finally puts it all together and has a breakout performance!

or

I think Lando will continue to stink up the joint at World Cup 2010!

(It really doesn't matter which one you say, it is only important that you have an opinion on the matter.)

Tim Howard

Nickname: Timmy Tourettes

Overview: Quite possibly the best goalkeeper in the world, the USA is in good "hands" with Timmy Tourettes. (Get it? HANDS! I love me so much sometimes.)

Generic statement that will impress your friends: Tim Howard is yet another in a long line of elite American goalies. Too bad our field players suck ass.

Oguchi Onyewu

Nickname: Gooch

Overview: Resident bad ass on the national team. Plays professionally in Belgium, helping his team to back-to-back championships. Expected to move to a better league this summer, probably the Premier League in England.

Generic statment that will impress your friends: Are we sure that Gooch shouldn't be playing middle linebacker for the Redskins? Am I right people? Guffaw!

Jozy Altidore

Nickname: Uhhhh.... I don't know. Well, I guess Jozy is technically a nickname since his real name is Josmer. So we'll go with that.

Overview: The uneducated fan might think that the US's best young player is Freddy Adu. They would be wrong because the future of the team is 19-year old striker Altidore.

Generic statment: The uneducated fan might think that the US's best young player is Freddy Adu. They would be wrong because the future of the team is 19-year old striker Altidore.

Clint Dempsey

Nickname: Deuce. That's his rap name. Really.

Overview: Probably the most successful American playing in Europe right now. Unfortunately, his success with Fulham of the English Premeir League doesn't always translate to his play for the US national team.

Generic statement: For once can we get Fulham Clint instead of National Team Clint?

Finally, I will leave you with Clint "Deuce" Dempsey's rap video. Again, I am not kidding.

Good night now!

Be a Know-it-All: US National Team

2009-06-01T09:46:00.002-06:00

Let’s fast forward to June 2010 real quick. The weather will have finally turned nice, you’ll be sick of eating Special K every morning to get that beach body you’ve always dreamed of, and the buzz around the office cooler will be about a little soccer tournament in South Africa called the World Cup.

But before we get to June 2010, we have to remember that June 2009 is the most important month Team USA will have in their qualifying effort. I’m going to go ahead and break it down for you so you can be the super-informed know-it-all that everyone hates.

We’ll start with the basics. Summer 2009 will be busy for Team USA because they will be competing in three different tournaments. The first and most important is the World Cup Qualifying tournament. Right now there are six teams left in the region (US, Mexico, Costa Rica, Trinidad & Tobago, El Salvador and Honduras) and the US needs to finish in the top 4 to have a chance of playing in the World Cup. (The top 3 qualify automatically, the 4th place team goes to a playoff against the 5th place team from South America for the final spot.)

On June 3rd, the US flies to Costa Rica where they have never won a World Cup qualifier. Costa Rica isn’t as strong as previous years, so there is a good chance the US wins this; but leaving with a tie is acceptable.

The US returns home and plays Honduras on June 6th in Chicago. This will be a tough match for the US because Hondo will be well rested, they’re pretty good, and the crowd in Chicago will probably be anti-American due to the large Latino population in the city. Plus, I’ll be out of the country and the US always sucks whenever I watch their games from a foreign country. (The ’98 and ’06 World Cup disasters were all my fault.)

If the US wins one of these games and ties the other, then they’re looking really good for WC2010.

Next, they fly to South Africa for the Confederations Cup, starting June 15th. The Confed Cup takes place every four years, the year before the World Cup. Only the elite teams are invited to play in this tourney and it basically serves as a World Cup warm-up.

The 8-team field includes:

Italy- the defending World Cup champs
Brazil- the South American champs
Spain- the reigning European champs
Egypt- the African champs
Iraq- the Asian champs
New Zealand- the Oceania champs
USA- the North/Central America and Caribbean champs
South Africa- the hosts (they kinda suck)

The US was placed in a group with Brazil, Italy, and Egypt. They play a round-robin and the two teams with the best records advance. So basically, the US is going to get hammered, but it’ll be pretty cool seeing them play top-flight competition.

Then the Gold Cup (the championship for the North, Central America and Caribbean countries) starts on July 4th. The best players for the US will be exhausted after the qualifiers and the Confed Cup, so the US will send their “B” team to the Gold Cup. The US will still dominate the minnows like Haiti and Grenada, but will probably lose in the semis or finals to someone like Mexico or Costa Rica; who will probably be sending their “A” teams.

This will be a great chance for soccer dorks to see the young, up and coming players who can’t get playing time with the “A” team.

So there you go! Most of these games are on national television, so check them out and you’ll be a super-know-it-all come World Cup 2010!

Guatemala- Volunteer Work

2009-05-31T19:49:00.003-06:00

A couple weeks ago I was in Guatemala, in a town called Quetzaltenango. (They also call the city Xela, which is easier to type.)

A bunch of schools throughout the Xela valley received a bunch of material to build bookshelves and dry erase boards for their classrooms, but they didn't have the time or manpower to assemble them. Enter our volunteer group:

To make the dry erase boards we started with a piece of wood and spread a bunch of rubber cement all over it. This was probably the highlight of my trip. Ever since I was a little boy playing with rubber cement in elementary school, it has been my dream to play with large amounts of rubber cement without getting into trouble. Behold:

Then we laid down a piece of formica and pressed all the air bubbles out:

And then we nailed it to a wall:

As for the bookshelves... well... they're bookshelves! We just nailed them together:

But the best part of it all was going to all the different schools and seeing all the kids. And since we went to a different school every day we didn't make any deep connections with the kids, so saying goodbye wasn't very difficult, which was really nice for someone like me who shut down emotionally years ago.

They sang us a song:

No need to adjust the settings on your computer monitor, they were really that cute:

Overall, it was a lot of fun. The schools will get stuff that they'll use for years (hopefully!) and I got to play with rubber cement and a nail gun. Everybody wins!

Bronx Haiku

2009-05-21T14:16:00.005-06:00

Sun shines from above
Cars pass on the street below
A man poops on stairs

I find this very disturbing

2009-05-10T23:33:00.007-06:00

If you've been following the NBA, you probably know all about Dirk Nowitzki's girlfriend getting arrested.

For those of you who don't know the story, Dirk was dating some bat-shit crazy girl and finally hired a private investigator to check out her background. The detective unearthed her unsavory past and she was arrested for two outstanding warrents. You can find the full details here.

It doesn't bug me that this lady had something like 18 aliases.

It doesn't bug me that she claimed to be in her late-20's when she's damn near 40.

It doesn't bug me that she was an exotic dancer.

Heck, it doesn't even bother me that she had the cops hot on her trail.

What I find very disturbing is that Dirk Nowitzki chose to date a woman that looks exactly like his teammate Jerry Stackhouse. You don't think that was a little awkward at the team Christmas party, do you?

Here's what I'm talkin' 'bout:

Crystal Taylor:

Jerry Stackhouse:

Crystal Taylor:

Jerry Stackhouse:

So there's some solid visual evidence that there is something really creepy going on here.

In conclusion,

I'm too tall for Guatemala

2009-05-09T22:58:00.000-06:00

Recap of my trip to Quetzaltenango, Guatemala coming soon.

More updates from Salvador

2008-12-17T12:44:00.003-07:00

Meetings. Love them (unlikely) or hate them (probably the case); they are part of life for those of us who are employed. This is why I appreciate my job so much. Today I had a couple meetings, but they're well worth it. The first was with a nun, the Mother Superior to be exact, at a community center that tends to the needs of children and the elderly; and the second was with the principal at a special education school . After the meeting she took me to the school's auditorium where I was treated to their Christmas pageant and a cup of hot corn drink. (I have no idea what it was, but that's the best way to explain it.)

Meetings like those are at the types I could get used to! It is moments like those that make me feel like I made the right decision when I moved from beautiful Denver, Colorado all the way to New York City, the world's largest urinal. I am so lucky to have the opportunity to meet all these people from all over the world.

The volunteer placements have been amazing so far. There is one in particular that stood out. It is a day care center for young children and a place that older children can go to when they're not in school. The vice president of the center told me about the change he has seen in the older children since volunteers have started showing up. It is very rare for a school to have English teachers, especially English teachers from English speaking countries. So having access to our volunteers has done a lot to boost the children's self-esteem because it makes them feel special. The vice president has seen an increase in the number of older kids showing up, which means they're not hanging out in the streets.

All the time people ask me how much of a difference they can make in only two weeks or if they can make a difference if they don't have many skills. This placement was proof that in a lot of places all you have to do is show up and you're already making a difference.

In other news, my Portuguese continues to be a disaster. Remember how I couldn't decide how to spell Brasil correctly? Well, it turns out that I wasn't even saying it right! In Portuguese, some words that end with an "L" make an "ooo" sound. So Brazil is pronounced "Brasio", or something like that.

I'm so confused. I haven't been this befuddled since those old Irish Spring soap commercials came on the TV and the guy would cut his soap with a knife.

Who takes a knife to a bar of soap? Just imagine him at home: he walks into the kitchen, grabs a knife from the silverware drawer. "Making yourself a sandwich?" his wife asks.

"Nope," he says, "just about to hop in the shower, I'm gonna work up a nice lather."

Do you think they taught their kids to bathe like this and they'd always get mad at him for leaving knives in the bathroom? "Little Timmy! Your grandparents are coming over and we have no knives for dinner! They're all in the tub!"

Then Timmy would reply, "Why do I have to use a stupid knife in the bathtub anyway? It makes no sense! All the kids at school make fun of me!" Then he'd storm off to his room, tears streaming down his face and slam the door.

Anyway, I've drifted off topic. I had a nice little moment on Monday night. I was sitting at an open-air restaurant near the beach, enjoying the sea breezes and what-not. Between me and the beach is a busy four-lane road. Now I'm no expert on Salvadorian thoroughfares, but I assume that this is one of the main roads in the city.

I hear drumming in the distance that slowly gets louder and louder, and then I hear the source of the drumming: a 20-person parade marching right down the street. This little parade manages to block both south-bound lanes, backing up traffic as far as I could see. No one really seemed to be concerned.

The best part was that the music was so good that people on the sidewalk would start dancing; but only when the music was right next to them. So you'd have some guy waiting at the bus stop standing completely still, then he'd dance for a couple seconds as the parade passed, then he'd go back to standing completely still. It was awesome.

I'm off to limber up for our dance class, I'll try to update soon with more pictures and the details of Tuesday night. Tuesday nights are very special here in Salvador and a lot of amazing things happen, so go ahead and adjust your seating position to "Edge" in anticipation of my next update.

My weekend in Morro de Sao Paulo

2008-12-14T17:31:00.004-07:00

I wanted kick off this weblog entry with a phrase in Portuguese, but I don't know any so lets see the first thing Google comes up with...

Feliz Páscoa!

(That means Happy Easter. Sure it is the middle of December, making that statement completely inappropriate, but at least I tried.)

I arrived in Salvador after an uneventful flight from JFK on Thursday afternoon. After a day of general merriment and travels on foot throughout various neighborhoods in Salvador, we decided to spread our wings and venture out a little bit.

Me and my chums Natalie and Damien headed to an island named Morro de Sao Paulo. Morro is pronounced "Mo Ho" because in Portuguese, double R's sound like H's. In Spanish, double R's require you to roll your tongue. In Pete's mind, these conflicting rules confuse him and make him want to cry.

We got on a catamaran and headed out. It was about 2 hours to the island. The island is pretty small and there aren't any cars. The main part of town consists of one windy road surrounding by shops on both sides. The road eventually leads down to a series of four beaches, each beach getting more deserted and pristine as you go.

We stayed at a hostel on the second beach:

Once the sun went down, juice stands popped up all along the beach. Dozens of them, all claiming to be the best on the island. (They all seemed the same to me.) I love juice stands, so I appreciated the multitude of options. Here is me contemplating my next move:

Here are me, Damien, and Natalie:

A walk on the way to the third beach. The tide is out and the moon is full. How was your weekend?

This is me looking British:

And to explain that big orange thing on the table, when you order a beer they give you a big 22 ouncer. They put some ice in the orange thing to keep the beer cold. It is awesome.

On the return trip to Salvador the water is a lot choppier. The catamaran was heaving to and fro and a couple people threw up. It was hilarious.

Okay, maybe it wasn't funny at all. I just wanted to brag that I wasn't one of the people regurgitating into small plastic bag.

The weekend was nice, but I'm really looking forward to Monday when I start volunteering and visiting placements.

I will leave you with this brain bender to keep you busy until my next entry:

How can you use the letters in NEW DOOR to make one word?

Think about it.

Final thoughts before leaving for Brazil

2008-12-08T13:38:00.000-07:00

I consider myself a seasoned traveler. Over the years I’ve marched in the streets of Port-of-Spain, resided in the shadow of the Volcano Irazu, toyed with the crushing surf on the beaches of Nayarit, frolicked in the tidal pools of the Wli Waterfall, devoured Chicken McNuggets on four different continents, and traversed the oxygen-deprived fields of the Bolivian alto plano. (You know you’re a seasoned traveler when you start using words like “traversed”.)

Even after all this seasoning, I still get nervous before new adventures abroad. I worry about stuff that is either out of my control or completely trivial. For example, the biggest issue I’m facing right now: How in the heck am I supposed to spell Brazil?

I’ve seen it both ways, “Brazil” and “Brasil”. I have never used the “s” because everyone I knew who used the “s” had this smug aura of superiority about them. You know the type. They see me using my infantile “z” and turn up their noses as if to say ‘Only imbeciles with no sense of cultural competency use a “z”. You obviously know nothing of Brasil and her people! I scoff in your general direction! SCOFF!’

So I’ve been boycotting the usage of the “s” in an attempt to ruffle the feathers of that snooty crowd. But I also know that local people use the “s” and I’m all about deferring to the expertise of local people and I would prefer to spell it their way. And there’s my conundrum.

I can continue to spell it with a “z” and stick it to the wine and cheese crowd; or I can use the “s” and feel comfortable with my accurate spelling. What should I do?

This is all just part of a larger problem: Why do we change the names of places? Shouldn’t a name be the same regardless of where you are and what language you’re speaking?

Here’s a little pop quiz to help prove my point:

NBA superstar and teen heartthrob Dirk Notwitzki was born in what country?

A) Germany
B) Alemania
C) Deutschland

Do you know the answer? Well, guess what? They’re all right! They’re all the same place! How can one country have so many names that aren’t even similar to each other? Who decided that this makes sense? What is their name(s)?

My name is Pete. If I travel to Thailand, will they call me Rufus? Of course they won’t because my name is Pete! If I go to Guatemala, will they call me Knick Knack? Patty Whack? Will they suggest I give their dog a bone? Of course not! Because my name is Pete! (Also, I wouldn’t give the dog a bone because it might cause a dependency. As the old saying goes: Give a dog a bone, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach the dog how to find a bone, and this old man will come rolling home.)

So these are the types of things I worry about before I travel.

And that is why I’ll probably forget to pack my sun block.

Quick Cartago update with pics

2008-09-17T23:14:00.004-06:00

Time to update you on the goings-on here in vibrant Cartago. (Is there a more generic way to describe a city than "vibrant"? Methinks no.)

A quick political update: I have now seen the President speak in person and the other day I shook hands with the mayor of Cartago. So, I'm a pretty big deal down here.

Here are some pics from the Independence Day parade, which was just oozing vibrancy:

(No need to adjust you screen on that last one. Little guy is sporting a sweet 'stache.)

I'm totally taking credit for this picture, I don't care what anyone says:

We've been spoiled with some really fun volunteer projects at a school that runs from kindergarten to sixth grade. On Tuesday we got to spend time in the kindergarten; playing games and singing songs. Sure, there was also some important, tedious work that needed to be done in the library; but playing with the kids was a lot more fun.

I had los ninos entranced by my Mystical Vapor Arms trick. Feast your eyes:

On Tuesday we took a group of 6th grade students out into the barrio for a litter clean-up project. That might not seem fun for everyone, especially considering the vibrant odor that emanates from piles of decaying garbage, but a great time was had by all. Especially the students, who dove right in to the project both literally (unfortunately) and figuratively.

The grupo:

Here are the volunteers I'm working with. (sorry Ilise for posting a closed-eyes picture. It is the only one I have of the entire group):

L to R: Ilise, El Rey de Los Gringos, Sally, Jessica, Laura, Shelly, and Lori.

Hey Pete, could you post a picture of you standing in a crater on top of a volcano, trying to pose like a big scary monster emerging from the mist but end up looking like a member of Marky Mark's Funky Bunch?

Well, that's a specific request and I actually have a policy against that type of thing, but what the hay. As they say in Costa Rica, pure life! (But in Spanish)

Looking ahead:

-We still have some more work to do at the school and hopefully it is as successful as we've been so far.

-Lucy said I can take her car for a spin, so I'm looking forward to that.

-We just booked our transportation and lodging in Puerto Viejo, quite possibly my favorite location in the world. We're staying in the Cabinas Casa Verde, which in my opinion is the finest accommodation in all of Viejo.

So that's all for now. I will leave you with an inspirational quote that actually doesn't make any sense:

One must learn to love with their heart and not their head, but only after they have conquered their fear of falling.

Did I just blow your mind?

Back in Cartago

2008-09-15T21:42:00.003-06:00

'Tis great to be back in Cartago, Costa Rica. It has been over two years now, and a lot has remained the same but there are some key changes:

There is a new hamburger place near the Home-Base that is supposed to have the best hamburgers in town. I'm going to have to go check that out and see what the hype is about.

They light up La Basilica (the big church in the center of town) with colored lights now. There are a lot of lights and a lot of different colors, and they're getting close to "Magic Kingdom" territory; but I don't think they crossed that line and the overall effect works. I just wish they would run those decisions past me first in the future.

They moved the post office from the west side of town to closer to the Home-Base on the east, which is very nice for people wishing to mail things. Except for people who wish to mail things and enjoy long walks. They're out of luck.

The volunteers no longer get their laundry done at Sofi laundramat, which makes me sad. The woman who worked there, whose name I can't remember because we usually just called her Laundry Girl, became a good friend of ours. I'll try my best to get business going back in her direction.

On Sunday, a group of us were watching the president of Costa Rica make a speech at a public park in Cartago. Obviously a large crowd showed up for such a special occasion. And in the crowd I somehow picked out the face of an old friend named Mariela! I was very happy. If I was able to choose one person to randomly run into while in Cartago, Mariela would be at the top of my list. We talked a little while, and then she had to run; but we're hoping to meet up later this week.

Also, how awesome is it that I can be at a random event in Cartago, Costa Rica and run into someone I know? I felt so cool! I felt cooler than a shirtless Matthew McConaughey! That's right, Shirtless!

It has been so nice being back and spending time with Jose, Lucy, Santi and the rest of the Cartago staff. I know it is cliche to say they're like family, but they know me well, and they know my parents, and they just seem like family.

It is funny how the dynamic is different between my two Cartago trips. During my first stay, I was the fun-loving trouble maker, now I'm the uber-responsible Staff Member.

But in my defense, I was never really a trouble maker. The trouble I got into was cheeky and fun. Shananigans, if you will. Like stacking the dining room tables on top of eachother, or moving all the living room furniture into my bedroom, or stealing all the pillows out of the rival guy's room next door, or switching the labels on the new volunteers keys so they were locked out of their rooms, or buying a stockpile of fireworks that would be illegal in 48 states, or tying the living room door shut with rope and trapping the people inside.

That's good clean fun, ladies and gentlemen.

Anyway, we start our placement at a local elementary school tomorrow, so I have to get rested up. There are 7 of us volunteers and 108 kids. Yowza!

I will leave you with a fun fact that sounds real but I actually made up: During a 7-year stretch in the 1850's, it was illegal for Costa Ricans to own mahogany furniture due to an anti-mahogany decree by Pope Pius IX.

Good night now!

Bring on the Litros

2008-09-10T22:26:00.004-06:00

Quick little update from my previous post:

-I tried to post a picture in my last post that didn't show up for some reason. I was trying to post this:

I can't remember why, but I wanted to. THAT'S HOW YOU DEBATE!

-I decided that I feel like going to Costa Rica, so I'm leaving this weekend. I'll be down there for a week. Monday is Costa Rica's independance day, so there is supposed to be a big parade or something. Tuesday through Friday I'll be with a group of people at a school in Cartago teaching about water conservation and planting trees and stuff.

I don't know what I'm doing Friday night and Saturday... hopefully my triumphant return to Puerto Viejo, but we'll see.

So I'm pretty pumped! It has been two full years since I've been in Cartago. I wonder if they'll declare it a holiday. Probably.

-So is everyone pumped that we're not dead as a result of the Large Hadron Collider? Pretty cool.

-Seriously... I don't even have words for this. You just need to watch it and decide for yourself. It is incredible:

-Okay, that video might not be up your alley, but this next one is hilarious. And it is only 40 seconds long:

You see that Josh! Dwight Schrute is calling you out on Cabinet Making! FACE!

-Pete Bryan is like Rogaine... hang around him long enough and things are bound to get hairy.

-I'm not really down with theme parties unless the theme is "Get Really Drunk", but I just had a great idea for a theme party: Celebratory Locker Room.

Everyone shows up in sports attire that they don't mind getting ruined. Stuff they'd wear to the gym. They also bring swimming goggles.

You set up a room (I imagine an unfinished basement would work best for this) by hanging plastic from the walls and over the carpet, and you load the room with bottles of champagne and cans of beer on ice. (And victory cigars if you want to be really authentic.)

Your friends show up and you all go crazy, shaking up cans of beer and bottles of champagne and spraying them all over eachother. You can even have some kind of trophy that you pass around. You can even have a friend come dressed up as the Dimwitted Reporter In A Suit Who Always Ends Up Getting A Beer Poured On His Head.

Who wouldn't want to go to that party? It would be fun as hell. (For about 15 to 30 minutes, but whatever.)

This could also be a great team building event at your office, as well. Just imagine your boss screaming: "Those First Quarter numbers were freaking fantastic! Lets f*cking celebrate!!!!" Then you can uncork some champagne and spray it right into that bitch Tammy from Accounts Payable's face. God I hate her.

You could print hats and t-shirts that say "First Quarter Sales Champions" and everyone could wear them, with all the tags still on.

You're telling me that wouldn't boost morale?

Brilliant ideas like these are why someone should put me in charge of something!

-I'm sleepy. Bed time. I'll try to update from Costa Rica.

Meaty

2008-09-06T22:17:00.003-06:00

-Did you know that BYU was favored to win by 21 points today? Did you know that they only won by a point? Did you know that you can wager money on these types of things over the internets?

Glorious.

-So here it is, 12:30 in the morning. We're just hours away from the kickoff of the Bryan Team Fighting's journey towards their first Fantasy Football championship.

My guys are all tucked in, their bellies full of pasta (so they'll have enough carbs for today's big game). Sleep well, you god's of fantasy football. Sleep well.

-I don't want to get too political on anyone here, but can you all please control your collective hard-ons when a politician gives a good speech? Please?

This just in: Public speaking isn't that hard.

How hard is it to get infront of a teleprompter and just read a bunch of talking points infront of a partisan crowd who would give you a standing ovation for just about anything you say?

In fact, I do that crap all the time. But instead of a friendly crowd; I'm infront of a bunch of strangers. And instead of speaking, I'm singing my heart out. And I'm bringing down the freaking house!!

So don't feed me a bunch of bull about how impressive these politicians are. Answer me this:

What's more impressive, a democrat getting cheers from a stadium full of fellow democrats; or a Gringo getting his name chanted during karaoke night at some dive bar in Cartago, Costa Rica? Who rocked the crowd more? Big Pete Bryan, that's who.

So all you McCains, Obamas, Palins, and Bidens can go eff off. I'm not impressed, and neither should you, dear reader.

-I heard from some folks that this Sarah Palin chick gave a good speech. Do you know who else gave great speeches?

Hitler.

-Man, I hate election season. Hey average Joe, you do realize that there is no difference between Democrats and Republicans, right? You do understand that this country is ran by corporations and special interests and this whole "Red vs Blue" thing is just a scam to distract the Common Folk, right?

Don't believe me? Well riddle me this:

This is a country full of the most brilliant collection of minds in all of mankind. We make incredible advances in medicine, technology, art, etc; everyday. Yet, we can only think of two ways to run a democracy? Really? Just two? Is everyone buying that?

This country is supposed to be the champion of democracy. A role model for all other countries around the world. Yet, we only have two options on how to run the damn thing? For serious?

This is a country where I can go to the grocery store a choose from 16 different flavors of Doritos: Black Pepper Jack, Blazin' Buffalo & Ranch, Cool Ranch, Four Cheese, Fiery Habanero Nacho Cheese, Poppin' Jalapeño, Ranchero, Salsa Verde, Sizzlin' Picante, Smokin' Cheddar BBQ, Spicy Nacho, Sweet Chilli Heat, Taco, Toasted Corn, and Spicy Sweet Chili. SIXTEEN!

Yet, I can only choose from two different politcal parties. TWO!

No one else sees a problem in this? No one else thinks this is a little bit fishy?

It is all a scam and an enormous waste of time. My advice? Ignore it and focus on getting your own piece of the pie. Just take a look at the life of young Globe Trottin', Semi-Illiterate, 40-Drinkin' Pete Bryan for guidance. If I'm not the American Dream, I don't know what is.

-You guys aren't going to believe this, but I was at an amusement park the other day and they kicked me out of the bumper cars because I was too tall! Too tall!!! Can you believe that?

So what did I do? I found the kid who couldn't ride them because he was too short and we had a good cry, that's what I did.

- Have you ever accomplished something that you were very proud of and you wanted to tell the world because you were so excited; but you couldn't because it wasn't "appropriate" to do so?

Well, that's how I feel right now. And that's why I'm glad I have a brother to tell this stuff to.

And a cousin. But he had to go and get married. Gay.

-

-I really have nothing to say, as you can tell. I just wanted to post something new because I know I'm pretty close to getting my butt kicked by all four readers I have left. YIKES!!

Another 80-ounce Dash

2008-08-01T17:49:00.001-06:00

The 80-Ounce Dash.

A Pete Bryan staple. Lets do it.

-Okay, I'll say it.

I know it might hurt my readership, but lets be honest; I've already killed most of my readership with my lax attitude towards putting up new posts.

This might hurt some of my reader's feelings because this is how they roll; but it needs to be said:

If you refer to wine as "vino", you are an enormous douchebag.

There it is. I went there.

-Do you know what my newest goal in life is? I want to have a job title with a "slash" in it. Like a singer/songwriter or model-slash-actor.

My most realistic "slash" position? I dunno. Probably telemarketer/Fly Girl.

Remember the Fly Girls? They were awesome.

-Oh crap, I just remembered! I was once a Cart Attendant/Cashier during my days at Target. Son of a bitch! So much for that goal.

I'M SO LOST!

-I don't care who you are, this is hilarious:

-I've probably watched that 100 billion times.

-HOLY CRAP!!!! November 1st is going to be the greatest weekend of 2008!!! Follow me here:

We start with the CSU game on Saturday at Sonny Lubick Field at Hughes Stadium. This will be CSU's biggest game of the year, taking on a (hopefully) undefeated BYU. BYU will be playing for the BCS with a super-super-super-outside shot at a the national championship. SLF@HS will be rocking.

Sunday the Broncos will be playing somebody at Invesco Field at Mile High. Really, who cares who they're playing. It's a freaking Bronco game.

But then, to cap the weekend, the greatest thing of all great things. The most awesome thing of all time. At Fox Theater, OZO-freaking-MATLI will be performing with...

with...

with...

wait for it...

CHARLIE 2NA!!!!!

That's right! Charlie 2na is touring with Ozo this fall!!! REUNITED AND IT FEELS SO GOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!

I just gotta put three-fitty together and fly out there. Holy crap, that's going to be the best weekend ever.

-Half of you right now are thinking "Who is Charlie 2na? He has a silly name." And I'm going to be honest; I pity you.

-For some reason I'm all about the semi-colon tonight.

-Colt 45 and two zigzags, baby that's all we need.

-Hey John Lynch: PEACE OUT!!!!!!!!!

nice visor.

douchebag.

I bet you've said "vino" once or twice in your life.

-40 ounces down, 40 to go.

-For serious, I have a great idea for a t-shirt. I'd like to put "80-ounce Dash" on a shirt, but no one would get it. But how money would a shirt that said "40-ounce Dash" be?

-I am blind to race.

I'm serious.

I just don't see it.

True story: I recently learned that my smoking hot ex-girlfriend Tava of FIVE YEARS was caucasian. Seriously!

With a name like "Tava" I just assumed otherwise.

So there you go.

-Ladies. All the ladies. Louder now. Help me out. Come on. All the ladies. Lets talk about sex.

All right.

-Q: Hey Pete! What you drinkin?!?!?

A: St. Ides

-Here are a couple quick comments about sports:

1) Brett Favre. You're no John Elway. Never have been, never will be. This crap just proves it.

2) Dear Earth,

GFY.

Sincerely,

USA Basketball

3) Okay, I get it. Everyone is pissed about Michelle Wie. But why? Some girl wants to play PGA tourneys that don't matter and get her ass kicked? Who cares! Where is all this outrage coming from? I know! From middle-aged Golf Guy!

We all know this guy. He shows up to the office in Dockers and a Titleist polo. You can find him practicing his swing in the break room. Maybe he approaches you and asks you to be in his foursome on Saturday and you're like.... "Wait.... what?" His handicap has nothing to do with being in a wheelchair, but you kinda wished it did.

I hate that guy.

4) The Cowboys are holding their traing camp in Oxnard, CA. OxNARD!!!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!

-True story about Oxnard: I went to the Spearmint Rhino in Oxnard once. Worst night of my life. We'll leave it at that.

-Quick piece of advice to Dani and Gabe:

-I have nothing else to say.

The Chipotle Challenge: Grand Central

2008-07-28T22:25:00.002-06:00

Grand Central

So on Sunday I head to Manhattan for the second installment of the Chipotle Challenge.

I'm standing on the platform waiting for the 6 train. To my left is a very strange site: Three Mormon Missionaries. I always thought they rolled in pairs, not a trio. But even more shocking, one of the missionaries was African-American! I'm serious! I thought the only black Mormon was Thurl Bailey! Color me amazed.

Now you're probably thinking, 'Well it is New York City, it is a very diverse place'. But you'd be wrong because I'd guarantee that neither of those guys was from NYC. Maybe it was Thurl Bailey's kid.

Quick tangent: New York is a pretty diverse place though. Lots of people from lots of different backgrounds. But there is one thing I've picked up on that a lot of people have in common, regardless of their race. Follow me here:

Just the other day a saw a Guyanan taxi driver fail to pick up a latino gentleman. In response the gentleman yelled: "You black piece of shit!"

I saw a Chinese food bike delivery guy almost plow over an African-American woman walking across the street, to which she replied "You Chinese piece of shit!"

About a week ago I was walking down the street and some dude asked me for change. After rebuffing his advances, he says to me "You white piece of shit!"

This all blows my mind for three reasons:

1) Why do people think mentioning someone's race is a putdown? White piece of shit? Really? Me? White!?!? HOW DARE YOU, SIR!

Haven't we all learned from Dan Issel's infamous "Mexican piece of shit" meltdown? It gets you nowhere!

When did everyone decide that this was the go-to putdown? Can we vote on this again?

2) I'm the piece of shit? Really? Wait, which one of us woke up this morning and said to themselves, 'You know what? I'm going to hang out on the street corner all day and beg people for nickels.' Who is the piece of shit here?

After he called me a piece of shit, I wanted to suggest to him that he purchase a mirror and see who the real POS was. But who are we kidding, this asshole can't afford a mirror.

(And remember, I'm not talking about a homeless guy here. It's not cool to rip on them. I'm talking about those self-proclaimed street hustlers who spend all their time on corners near subways or outside of banks or restaurants. There is a huge difference.)

3) How do you think you could get a white piece of shit? Eat a lot of marshmellows? Gross.

Anyway, back to my story:

By the time I get to Grand Central Terminal it is raining:

(I didn't take that picture.)

FACTIOD! Did you know that 500,000 people visit Grand Central every day? For serious! Well, I was number 500,001! Take that Stat Dorks!

(I took that picture.)

So I walk two blocks from 42nd up to 44th. It was raining so I didn't get pictures because I didn't want to break my camera. Really nothing interesting around there. Tall hotels and gray skies.

I walk into Chipotle and I'm immediatley greeted by...... No one! Admittedly, I was there at 3:00 so the staff was probably in the back chilling out, but that kind of service is the exact opposite of the smiling faces the I'm used to at the Cap Hill location in Denver. (And I haven't had a single new york Chipotle employee ask me out on a date yet. Oh how I miss Denver.)

So I finally get some attention with a well timed "cough attack". Steak burrito please!

The portions were actually pretty good. I figure you probably get better sized portions if you go during off hours. I'm getting some Sprite at the fountain, and what is running around in the drain? A cockroach! Hooray!

And the lady didn't ask if I was aqui (stay) or ir (to go). Instead she just bagged up my burrito. So the final presentation looked like this:

The burrito tasted fine.

All in all, I think I'll skip this location from now on.

My ride home was uneventful. I had a group of hip-hop dance kids perform on my train. They were awful. I felt bad for them. I think they earned 1 dollar.

But something about their crew caught my attention, and kind of brought a sense of closure to my trip:

This dance crew consisted of 4 black kids and... a white kid!

And now for the current standings:

Bowling Green
Maiden Lane
Varick
St Mark's
NYU North
6th Avenue
Union Square
Wolf Twine
7th Avenue
Park Avenue
Empire State
Penn Plaza
Bryant Park
~~Grand Central~~
Clinton
48th Street
~~52nd Street~~
Worldwide Plaza
Columbia University

Ankle socks and chicken pox

2008-07-24T21:44:00.003-06:00

I was talking to a lady on the phone the other day and she told me that she was afraid to volunteer in a country that she couldn't take a direct flight to. I asked her why, and she said she was afraid to have a delayed flight and miss a connection in some foreign country and be stuck there.

That logic makes sense to me, but the highlight of this convo was when she followed up her explanation with this statement: "Because you know how the airlines are these days, flights can be so erotic."

Erotic? Really? DAMN IT! Why am I never on one of these erotic flights? I swear, I have the worst luck!

What would an erotic flight even be like? Are all the seats covered in purple velvet? The air filled with the aroma of incense and anticipation?

I gotta get on one of these erotic flights! The closest I've ever come to an erotic flight was the time I once got two dinner rolls on accident and they kinda looked like boobs.

My day to day work routine requires me to call a bunch of people and I end up leaving lots of voicemails for folks. One thing that drives me crazy is people who start their message with "Hey Guys, you've reached Mandy's phone..."

"Hey guys"? Really? Guys? As in plural? Is it common for you to receive phone calls from people on teleconferences? I'll never get that.

I really have nothing to say, just wanted to check in and let everyone know I'm not dead.

Right now I'm just laying low, getting ready for the football season:

(Did you see the Suicide Trombones in there! YEAH! CSU Marching Band! Woooo!)

I like all this down time because I'm just prepping for my huge fantasy football draft on August 16th. I'm freaking focused this year. My eyes are on the prize!

For example, I went to Long Beach the other day and all I thought of was football:

Okay, I might have been a little distracted from time to time:

OOOOPSIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Later we all went to the East Village for cocktails. East Village is my favorite neighborhood. 'Tis fun!

I ate my first ever falafel. I don't even know how to spell falafel. It was good. Here is me and my soul mate Stacy, eating falafels:

Holy crap! Will someone please take a look at this good looking group of kids!

We look like we should be promoting something. Like light beer or herpes medication.

Take a look at this next pic. Take your eyes off Li for a second and check out the background:

What an amazing mullet! And he was drinking Natty Light! I love him!

Anyway, I wasn't joking when I said that I have nothing to say. I live a boring life.

OH YEAH! I forgot about one thing!

Did any of you read my blog about how I'm finally over Salma Hayek, and then the NEXT FREAKING DAY she calls off her engagement to that old dirty French guy? Is that incredible or what!?!?

You know what that means, don't you? SALMA HAYEK READS MY BLOG! (and she loves me)

Well, Salma; me and Adriana Monsalve are an item now and you're going to have to accept it. I don't know what else to tell you!

I'm just so tired of chasing. It's about time that someone chased me, Salma. Okay?

And do you know what Adriana's reaction was when she found out that you called off your wedding for me? She said:

OH NO SHE DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh Adriana, you're so cute when you're mad.

All right, bed time you all.

You know what to ask for

2008-07-15T22:42:00.003-06:00

Marcus Camby for a 2nd rounder. Sweet.

I have so much to update you all on! Lets see, where should I start...

I have two items that seem unrelated, but come together at the end. Just follow me.

You know, it was finally time for Pete Bryan to be a man and move on. Enough moping around the house like some loser, feeling bad for myself.

So I've done it. I've finally moved on from Salma Hayek after she was stolen from be by some dirty frenchman.

I have a new love in my life. She isn't as famous Salma, but I think she is on her way up. My new celebrity crush: Adriana Monsalves of SportsCenter on ESPN Deportes:

Anyone who watches SportsCenter regularly probably knows what I'm talking about. She shows up for about a 30-second segment and tells soccer scores or something. With her accent it is hard to tell what she is saying, but that really doesn't matter. When she's finished, it's like you've been through some kind of latina whirlwind.

I don't know much about her (she might be married to a dirty frenchman for all I know) but she seems smart. For example, it is widely known that you lose most of your body heat through your head. Well have no fear, my girl Andriana has it all covered:

I've always wanted to fall for a woman who loves Wacky Hats. Well, it looks like we have a winner:

And finally, I need a woman who can pull off a "Sexy Wall Squat"... lets see...

Oh my sweet, sweet Adriana Monsalve. Welcome to my celebrity crush club.

The second item I wanted to mention: I'm watching commericials and it looks like the movie adaptation of Mama Mia is probably going to be the worst film in the history of mankind. Just a complete and utter asault on your eyes and ears. I bet it would probably smell like shit too (if we had the capability to take a whiff of a movie.)

So now you're asking yourself, "What does Adriana Monsalve have to do with the monstrosity that is Mama Mia?"

Well... nothing really. Expect for the fact that Mama Mia will be so bad that I even if I was dating Adriana Monsalve and she begged me to see it, I still wouldn't go. That's how bad it is! The commercial made me throw up in my mouth.
I threw a sweet party at my apartment the other day. Lets take a look!

Here is my patio area and all the kids are playing spoons! (But i think they're actually using forks. I'm poor.)

Intimidation:

Li's dream job? Dominoes Spokesperson:

My urban oasis:

What action!!!

Ghetto Boombox2000!!!:

So that's what my backyard looks like. My front yard? It looks like this:

Great for kids.

All in all, it was a good party, but one of these days I need to learn how to throw a get together that doesn't involve everyone drinking heavily. Until then.... neh.

For the Fourth of July Li and I went to Coney Island to see the Hot Dog eating contest!

We walked around Coney Island and it was pretty cool. It was all old tymey and stuff and since it was the 4th of July, it was freaking packed. Here are some photos:

(I think that is the ferris wheel that Jesus Shuttlesworth made love to his girlfriend in.)

I also went to see the Rockies play the Mets at Shea Stadium! Now I've seen Shea Stadium and Yankee Stadium before they got demolished.

I went with my ladies, Stacey, Ruby and Li. (And Stacey's BF, but that doesn't sound as cool.)

After the game we went to some random Ecuadorian restaurant in Queens, in some random neighborhood where I was the only white person and one of he few English speakers. (This is kind of a theme of my time here in NYC)

The food was good enough, but what was really exciting was that they were hosting the Karaoke Finals. But not just any Karaoke Finals! This was an INTERNATIONAL Karaoke Final! I don't even know what that means, but holy crap!!

Part of me wanted to stay and dominate to competition with my vocal stylings, but I didn't want to demoralize the clientele and make them realize that they're not even in my league and no matter how hard the try they will never be good enough.

I've seen it happen before.

And I still have nightmares to this day.

That is all. Bed time SUCKAZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Chipotle Challenge: 52nd Street

2008-07-15T21:18:00.004-06:00

Midtown East

Welcome to the first edition of The Chipotle Challenge, where I try to eat my way through Manhattan; one steak burrito at a time.

My first trip took me to Midtown East, to the location at 52nd and Lexington Avenue:

I don't know the exact boundaries of Midtown East, I think between 59th and 49th, from the river to 6th avenue... or something like that. (I really have no idea what I'm talking about.)

This neighborhood is known for tall buildings and guys in sleeveless t-shirts, as pictured above.

It was a pretty easy trip, I just took the 6-train from Castle Hill, Bronx to the 52nd street stop:

I know it is kinda risky to take a picture of a subway station. I was watching a TV show the other day where they said that you can get in trouble with the law for taking pictures of subway stations and bridges and stuff, because that's the kind of information the terrorists want.

So for the record, in case the NYPD is reading this; Li took that picture. HA!

I don't have any great stories about the trip. Really it was quite boring. There are a lot of businesses in this area so not a lot is happening. Plus, the restaurant was so close to the subway station that we didn't really have a chance to run into any street riff-raff.

It was a gorgeous day though. Probably the best weather I've ever experienced in NYC. It was the type of day where there wasn't any humidity, no breeze, it wasn't hot, and it wasn't cold. It almost feels like it isn't real because your skin isn't reacting to anything.

Anyway, I walked into the store and ordered a steak burrito. The lady was nice enough, but not spectacular. It isn't the same type of service I'm used to getting at home, but whatever. Denver was ranked one of the nicest cities in the United States, and I shouldn't hold that fact against the hellhole that is New York City.

The serving of rice was way too small, but I've learned a trick to fill up your burrito: When they ask what type of beans you want, first say Pinto. Then when they put the pinto beans in, say "You know what, I want black beans too!" DOUBLE BEAN ACTION!!!

Then I've noticed they give you more meat and salsa so it is proportionate with the beans. Very, very tricky; I know.

So Li and I go to their outside seating area to enjoy a burrito in the perfect weather. Here is a picture of me on my perfect day:

It looks so great doesn't it!

But remember, this is New York City. For every beautiful scene, there is always....

Piles of trash just around the corner!!!

New York City, Ladies and Gentlemen! Where everyone lives in their own filth! HOORAY!!!

We walked back to the subway, stopped at Best Buy on the way home to buy some rechargable batteries; and that was it.

I was hoping to start this off with a bang, so this wasn't what I had in mind!

I'm not going to beat myself up over it though.

The current standings:

Bowling Green
Maiden Lane
Varick
St Mark's
NYU North
6th Avenue
Union Square
Wolf Twine
7th Avenue
Park Avenue
Empire State
Penn Plaza
Bryant Park
Grand Central
Clinton
48th Street
~~52nd Street~~
Worldwide Plaza
Columbia University

Fun and done

2008-06-23T22:16:00.006-06:00

-Do you know what I love? I love when you're watching baseball and the home pitcher has three strikeouts and they show a shot of the crowd and someone is keeping track of strikeouts (the put up a big "K" for every strikeout) and they have a big sign that says "KKK".

Cracks me up every time.

-Do you know what I hate? Those snooty-ass Samuel Adams beer commercials.

-Do you know what I hate worse? Those Michelob commercials where they try to act like snooty-ass Sam Adams beer commercials.

Hey a-holes, come to Colorado and we'll show you what craft beer is all about.

-Hey Pete, was that Ozomatli on ESPN last night?

You bet your ass it was! Check, check it out:

(Side note to Peter Gammons: Dude, shut up.)

-Hey Pete, was that Cousin on Idaho Falls News Channel 6, where news comes first?

You bet your ass it was!

Check, check it out: Jarshy's Mad Flow

-I went to a Murder Mystery party the other day. It had a tropical island theme. My character was Lifesaving Sam.

I ended up being the murderer. Turns out that I was too drunk on the job to take care of my Lifeguard duties and I had to kill a guy to cover my tracks and save my job. WHOOPS!

After that we headed out to Hell's Kitchen and did some drinking and dancing:

Disclaimer: That was not my hat. I was wearing it to be funny. It is a known fact that I started a bar brawl with a guy because he was wearing a similar hat.

-I went to another party, it was Smoking Hot Ex-Girlfriend Li's nieces' 2nd birthday! And I got to dress up as...... Elmo!!

I swear. Here is photographic proof:

My big entrance:

Hugs all around!!!!:

Me and the birthday girl Kaitlyn and her brother Evan, my best friend in the world:

And Li is angry for some reason:

Hey Li, it is "Tickle Me Elmo" not "Punch Me In The Face Elmo"

That freaking Elmo suit was about 150 degrees inside. It also didn't help that I couldn't see, hear, or breath.

I have even more respect now for Rocky the Mountain Lion, the Denver Nuggets Super Mascot.

-There is an article on Slate.com about how readers love to read articles with lots of lists and bullet points in them. Real novel concept Slate.com, except for the fact that I wrote the same exact article in my high school newspaper 8 years ago! SUCKAZ!!!!

-Sometimes it isn't easy being the smartest person I know.

-I really didn't have much to say in the post.

-Words of wisdom: Clean your house/bedroom/apartment/dorm room. It may be a pain in the ass, but it is totally worth it when it is done. I like my apartment 150x better now that it is clean.

Except for my bathroom. The pipes are leaking and they dripped into my power socket and blew a circuit and now I don't have power in my bathroom and in half of my bedroom.

Whoops!

-Hey Pete, what do you like more than an ice cold Coors Light on a hot, sticky New York evening?

Well... I don't know if I understand the question.

-You know, it is never too early to speculate what country I'll be going to next for my staff travel. (I figure I'll be going somewhere in November or December.)

It is a giant jigsaw puzzle of where I've been, where my fellow staff members have been, and where someone needs to go.

I'm pretty sure I have it figured out, but I don't wanna jinx anything. All I'm gonna say is this:

-And that is all. GOOD NIGHT NOW!

8 ounces (with pictures)

2008-06-18T22:21:00.005-06:00

-I suck at writing blogs.

If my blog writing was a high school kid who participated in the Steeplechase, it would be the equivalent of this:

That is probably my favorite video right now. It never stops being funny. If you're one of the readers who usually skips my videos, just trust me on this one. You gotta watch it.

-Nothing much has really been going on here. New York is still the same. A guy pooped on the subway platform, which was nice. Right on the stairs.

-I browned my own beef the other day! (That sounds bad, but try to keep your mind out of the gutter.) I've never browned beef before. Then I made hamburger helper. It was good. And then I saved the leftovers and put them in tupperware. A couple days later I put the leftovers in a pot and warmed them up and ate them.

Is it sad that I'm a 26 year old man and I've never done anything like that ever in my entire life? I'm serious. Nothing remotely close to that.

Or is it kinda cool?

I'm going to go with cool.

-Weezer lost me with their last couple albums; but their newest release? Pete Bryan approves. Everybody get dangerous.

-Do you know who I hate more than Lamers? Dweebos! I freaking HATE Dweebos! AH!

-Quick note: If your job title is "Club Promoter" then you're damn near unemployed. You're not fooling anyone. Yes, I know there is probably an art to sticking flyers in people's windshield wipers. Very impressive.

-I just bought my first Fantasy Football magazine! 'Tis the most wonderful time of the year! I'm already forming my strategy for 2008. I don't want to tip my hand, but lets just say that if you are a professional football player with Type 1 Diabetes, then The Fighting Bryan Team Fightings are interested.

-"Boa Sorte" by Vanessa da Mata featuring Ben Harper. Download it. Listen to it. Love it. Thank me later.

Here is the music video. It is actually pretty clever:

-Smoking hot ex-girlfriend Leslie spent the weekend in NYC with her friend Becca a couple weeks ago. We had the grandest of times. They got a super good deal at a hotel near Times Square. So now no one has an excuse to not come visit me. Either you can stay at my place for free or stay in the heart of Manhattan for cheap.

-I'll have a real update later. I just wanted to let everyone know that I love them. That's all for now.

-Just kidding! You know I gotta drop some photographs of Leslie's visit.

Here are the two of us at our sexiest:

Eh. That was lame. This is more like it:

Here is me with Leslie's lovely friend Becca. Apparently she was extremely cold in this picture. And apparently I was really into hand gestures that evening:

Most people are always talking about how great New York is, blah, blah, blah. But this is the NYC I know:

TRASH EVERYWHERE! For the love of god. I'm from Colorado. I'm used to beauty and a high quality of living. Mounds and mounds of filth just doesn't do it for me. I'm sorry, I guess I just don't "get it".

Here's a lesson for all the kids out there: Don't drink. The three of us were incredibly un-sober on Friday night. First we started at their Times Square hotel, throwing down a bottle of Blueberry (yes, blueberry. It is an anti-oxidant) Vodka. This damn bottle seemed to be bottomless, but we plowed our way through.

It is crucial that you drink before you go out ("Pre-Flight") if you're living in NYC, because the bars are too expensive.

After pre-flighting, I took them to the East Village because it is my favorite neighborhood and it is one of the few places in New York that I (kinda) know. We hit a couple bars and got decently priced beverages. We went to a place called Pomme Frites, which is a super French way for saying "French Fries" and then we ended up at some Irish place I've never heard of.

This place served us $5 Jager Bombs. FIVE DOLLAR JAGER BOMBS! In New York City! I'm serious! FIVE DOLLAR JAGER BOMBS! You'd be hard-pressed to find that in Denver. But for the life of me, I can't remember the name of this place. I'm afraid I dreamt it.

But lets get back to the lesson I was talking about before: Don't Drink. When you get drunk you end up looking like this:

You also end up either:

a) Paying some bodega $5 so you can use their bathroom.
b) Urinating on a subway platform.
c) Holding it, probably causing permanent damage to your inner-workings.

(I'll let the reader at home decide who was who.)

Les and Bec saw this guy strutting his stuff around Times Square:

The crazy thing is that if I saw something like this I wouldn't even blink an eye. That's what happens when you live in this shithole for 15+ months.

All in all, it was a great visit! And I know what you're wondering, and the answer is Yes. She definitely still wants me. Bad.

-Okay, I really need to go to bed now, but I still have 3/4 of a beer left so I need to think of more stuff to write. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....

-So is it some unwritten rule that if you root for University of Wyoming football that you have to be a very, very angry person? It is so disturbing.

Take Colorado fans. They may be enormous douche bags, but at least they're not pissed off all the time. It's like every Wyoming fan was born with a 10-pound chip on their shoulder and a 2-inch you-know-what in their pants.

Maybe all the wind in Laramie has turned them mean. Or the meth labs. Or rooting for a team whose colors are Poop and Pee.

(Goodness gracious, I can't wait for football season. THE MTN! DIRECTV CHANNEL 626! AUGUST 27TH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!)

-Freddy Adu. It's about damn time.

-Jozy Altidore. You're next.

-There is love and there is unconditional love. And Becky Hammond, the fact that I still love you eventhough you're going to suit up for those dirty Russians for the Olympics; that just proves how unconditional my love is for you. My sweet, sweet Becky Hammond.

-Cool. Beer is done. Good night y'all!

(I totally say "y'all" now)

I didnt' proofread this

2008-06-06T22:04:00.006-06:00

Before we get started: HURRY, HURRY, HURRY over to the iTunes store and download their free song of the week "Lets Dance to Joy Division" by The Wombats. I think they change the song of the week on Tuesday or Wednesday, so hustle over while you can.

The iTunes free song usually sucks, but this one is really good. If you like songs that get your toe tapping, then you'll like this song.

I also like it on a deeper level (because I'm pretty deep). It reminds me of the year or so I lived in The Parkway apartments with Cousin and I'd go to Hi-Dive on Tuesday nights and dance to bands like Joy Division.

If I had to rank different eras of my adulthood, they'd probably go like this:

1) My three months in Costa Rica. (Summer 2006)
2) My year in Fort Collins with no job, school, or responsibilty. (2002ish?)
3) My year in Denver at The Parkway with cousin (2004-2005ish?)

And all the rest would fall after that.

-A couple weekends ago I was introduced into the world of Dim-Sum. For those of you who aren't as culturaly competent as I am, Dim-Sum is a Chinese cuisine that consists of a variety of light dishes. You sit at a table with a group of people (with a Lazy Susan in the middle of the table) and the staff pushes carts around the restaurant with different dishes in them. If you see something you like, you order it and share it with everyone. (It is kind of like a mobile buffet that comes to your table.)

Your bill is a blank piece of paper. Each one of the ladies pushing a cart has a special stamp that corresponds with the dish in her cart. If you order that dish, she stamps your bill. At the end, your bill is full of different stamps and they figure how much you owe by looking at all your stamps.

'So how did Pete Bryan end up at a Dim-Sum joint?' you may be axing yourself. I'll get to that. But lets start with a big party the day before.

Smoking Hot Ex-Girlfriend Li invited me to a graduation party for her brother and sister in New Jersey.

I got there super early to help with food preparation and stuff. I made about 1,000 beef and shrimp kabobs. Here is Li's other sister Quyen grilling my culinary creations. Look how delicious they are!

There was Beer Pong involved (Li's brother Danny made the table we're playing on. It is pretty sweet. Sidenote: there is a pot in the middle to keep it from folding up. Under normal circumstances that isn't an issue and a pot isn't needed, I've been told.)

Here is a picture of Li's niece Kaitlyn. Lets face it, Kaitlyn is giving Young Pete Bryan a run for his money for the title of "Cutest Baby of All-Time"

Anyway, now we're back to my original point. Somehow I made a good enough impression at the party that Li's mom floated an invite to join the family for Dim-Sum the next morning (Memorial Day).

We went to a restaurant in Flushing, Queens. Flushing was pretty cool. It has one of the largest Asian populations ever in the history of the world (I'm too lazy to look up the actual stats) and there are hardly any signs in English. The one thing I like about NYC is that occasionally it gives you one of those "Wait, I'm still in the United States, right?" type of moments.

So I had my first Dim-Sum experience with Li and her fam. I'm pretty sure I rocked it, except I used a fork because I refuse to use chop sticks. Last time I checked, this is the United States of America and the fork is our national utensil.

Here is me and Li at Dim-Sum. She says I look like I'm really young in this pic, I think that I look kinda Asian. Look at my eyes! I'm like a chameleon!

-Lets move on to today's lesson: You don't know what you have until you've lost it.

Let me break it down for you:

I've been super depressed lately because I killed another microwave. I don't know what happened! It still has power and everything, but for some reason the buttons on the front don't work! 'Tis not my fault!

So my life has taken a definite turn for the worst. (That's right, not the "worse"; the "worst". That's how dire of a situation this is!) I had no idea how much I relied on that beautiful machine until it decided to retire from service. One too many pizza rolls, I guess.

Now if I want some Tyson brand Chicken Tenders, instead of 2 minutes, I have to wait 20 got damn minutes for the oven to cook them! TWENTY!

Just unbelievable.

Sigh...

The only positive that comes out of this is now I can add another item to my list of Things I Don't Do Correctly Just For The Sake Of Not Doing It Correctly: I never preheat. Ever.

Yeah, you heard me correctly. I don't care what the instructions say, I'm firing up the oven and just throwing whatever foodstuffs I'm cooking into that bad boy. Pete Bryan says "fuck you" to preheating.

(Then Pete Bryan admonishes himself for using such foul language.)

-I don't know how my iPod does it, but it always plays "Rocket" by Def Leppard whenever I'm drinking.

If you're not down with this song, I just don't know what's wrong with you.

I remember the first time I saw this video on the big screen TV at my uncle Brady's house. Changed my life.

ROCKET! YEAH!

"Pour Some Sugar On Me" gets all the hype, but I'll take "Rocket" seven days a week and twice on Sundays. Feel free to discuss this topic with your friends and family, co-workers, random grocery store employees, and/or in the comment section of this weblog.

-No really, how cool is it that I own a 37" HDTV? In your face shitty economy!!!

-This is probably bad timing to post a weblog considering that half my readership (mom and dad) are in Puerto Vallarta right now. Oopsie!!

-Anyone who knows Pete Bryan knows that Pete Bryan is loaded with tons of unbelievably good ideas. I'm going to give you, the reader, a free one:

At my job we have a lot of information that we use on our Intranet, but there is a ton of text and it is hard to navigate. So I've been using my HTML skillz to post an index at the top of the webpage and place anchors throughout the page, making it easier to find info.

The benefit of having one webpage with a ton of text and anchors is that you can jump around the page at breakneck speeds without having to wait for it to reload.

So that got me thinking, wouldn't it be freaking sweet if someone wrote a "Choose Your Own Adventure" style story and posted on the web. All they'd need is one web page with anchors in it. So the reader would just zoom around the page. (The alternative would be making a new webpage for every page of the book, which would be lame. No one likes waiting for pages to load.)

This is an amazing idea because: A) People love Choose Your Own Adventure books, B) A single page loaded with anchors is the perfect format for those books, and C) I thought of it.

(I'm sure a good portion of the people reading have no idea what I'm talking about, but you just have to trust me. It is a great idea.)

-A lot of people have been asking me this (even strangers on the street!) and the answer is August 27th. That's when The Mtn becomes available on DirecTV, channel 616. I know the general public has a ravenous appetite for Colorado State University and Mountain West Confrence athletics; and it is glorious that we finally have access to a channel dedicated to them.

But in all seriousness, I will be able to see 11 of 12 CSU games this year. Last year I saw 1. ONE! Now I'll see 11! ELEVEN! The only game I'll miss will be the showdown with 1-AA doormat Sacramento State, which sadly won't be televised.

I still don't know if the Mountain West's decision to tell ESPN to screw off and start their own network was the greatest idea; but I gotta admit that this is a pretty sweet setup for out of state fans.

Now if the Mountain West would quit messing around and add Fresno State and Boise State to the conference, I'll be good.

(The best part of that is that Nevada would be effed if Fresno and Boise left the WAC for the MWC. Hilarious. I freaking hate Nevada. Who would be their fiercest rival? San Jose State? Idaho? Louisiana Tech?)

JASON SMITH > NICK FAZEKAS!!!!!!!!!!

(And if I didn't lose all the readers with my talk of HTML code before, I certainly lost them now with MWC/WAC athletics.)

-Bed time. Euro 2008 starts tomorrow. Then USA vs the world's #1 team Argentina on Sunday. HOLLA!

(I totally say "holla" now.)

True greatness in the form of a blog

2008-05-11T20:29:00.003-06:00

Yes, yes; the rumors are true.

In case you haven't heard, Pete Bryan was named Employee of the Month at his current place of employement.

I'm sorry I haven't been returning any calls or emails, things have been pretty hectic since I've had this honor bestowed upon me.

So I'll make it up to you, lets do a quick Q&A Session. Here are some FAQs from unanswered e-mails, voicemals and text messages:

Q: Are you for real? Did you really get employee of the month?

A: Yes, yes I did. But I prefer to call it "Employee of Tha month" to keep my street cred intact.

Q: Wait, wait, wait. For the month you were honored for, you missed work for a ski vacation in Colorado, took personal days to watch the opening round of March Madness, and spent a week in Costa Rica.

A: That's not even a question you asshole! What are you trying to say?

Q: Lets change the subject. You're closer to 30 years old than you are to 20, how does that feel?

A: Two things:

1) You know that old Beach Boys song where the guy is singing to the girl that "wouldn't it be nice if we were older"? You know that tune?

Well, I was listening to it the other day and I was thinking, "Oh god no. There would be no postives to getting older."

I cannot relate to this song at all, The Beach Boys! And also, whose idea was it to let John Stamos into the band? I want answers Boys! And I want them now!

2) Shit, I forgot the second thing while ranting about the Beach Boys. Good lord, it's all downhill from here!!!!

Q: There have to be some positives from getting older and/or wiser.

A: True dat. The biggest thing is that I'm starting to give everything a second chance. It all started when I tried eating fish again, eventhough I hated it when I was kid. I figured I'd give everything a second chance. There have been hits and misses.

Here are some things I like now, eventhough I wrote them off years ago:

*Grapes
*Almonds
*Skiing
*Shoplifting
*Women

But there have been some misses. Here are some things I still hate:

*Appletinis
*Pineapple
*White people music
*Strippers
*Sit-ups

The jury is still out on:

*Electric razors
*Bananas
*Baseball
*Billy Joel
*Showering regularly

Q: What makes you sad?

A: That no one is around to witness my acrobatic, gravity-defying, jaw-dropping dunks on my Nerf mini-hoop. 'Tis a shame they're going to waste. I can only pray that I have a nosy-ass neighbor looking through my kitchen windown.

Q: So I heard that you're single now. How are you handling it?

A: You know, you just gotta move on and keep looking for love. Thank goodness for the Craigslist. Lets take a look at suitors in the New York area:

First up:

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/w4m/677071014.html

yes, this is my last chance...my last chance for something amazing...

are you it? are you the one?

send a screen name (aim)

looking forward to it....

Wow. Pretty dramatic stuff. The kicker? She's 25! Twenty-five! It's your last chance? Really? YOU'RE TWENTY-FIVE! Well eff, I guess I should just jump off a cliff then.

Moving on.

You know what, I really can't look at these anymore. These girls' posts are pretty depressing and have a tinge of desperation to them.

Also, it turns out that every girl feels the need to mention that they "love to travel". Really? How unique.

If I saw a post from a girl that said, "I fucking hate travel" I would email her in two seconds and profess my undying love to her. And then I would scold her for using such foul language. I mean, come on.

Lets check out my competition and see what the fellas are putting out there:

-I swear that this guy: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/m4w/677083063.html, was posting the last time I did this on my blog. Either Craigslist is treating him very well, or very, very bad. But you gotta love someone who describes themselves as "attractive". Must be great to be an expert on what males makes a male attractive. Thanks alot fuckhead.

- We have ourselves a winner here: http://newyork.craigslist.org/fct/m4w/677042396.html

Love to travel weekend jaunts and day trips OH

Hey ladies, he loves to travel! Perfect fit! And he loves to travel to Ohio! OHIO! Akron, Cincinatti, Cleveland... LUX-UR-Y

At least in his picture you can see that he built a pretty sweet fort in the background:

- Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit! Homeboy broke out his finest leather:

He looks like he escaped from Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory or something.

-If I wanted someone to punch me in the face, what face would I make... hmmmm... something like... I don't know... this:

-Check out this guy:

Vacations in warm climates around the world! I know this sounds really funny but you can be whisked away at a moments notice to snowboarding trips, with stays at an Alpine condo

I gotta agree with this guy. I love the warm climate of an Alpine condo during a snowboarding trip. But he does love to travel! Line forms to the right, ladies!

All right, I've done enough belittling of others to sufficiently boost the 'ol ego.

Q: What's the biggest lie you've told recently?

A: I can't think of any. But I know that if someone asks me what I did this weekend I'm not going to mention watching the Virginia Tech women's softball team pitching a no-hitter against Team USA on ESPN. I'll definitely lie my way out of that one.

Q: What makes you laugh?

A: Okay, Cedric the Entertainer isn't funny. We know this. But I will admit that when he called Osama bin Laden the "Michael Jordan of hide-n-seek" I chuckled. Seriously, Osama is playing the biggest game of Hide-n-seek in the history of mankind and he's kicking ass!

Just imagine if one of your neighborhood games of Hide n Seek escalated to this level, with secret underground caves, un-manned surveillance vechiles, billions of dollars worth of military spending. I think that's funny.

Q: Speaking of Osama, what do you think of the Democratic primary?

A: His name is Obama, you sonuvabitch. I honestly think it is all just an incredible waste of time. I got me a small wager on that McCain fella. I parlayed it with the Lakers and Red Wings winning the championship; so I'm looking pretty good.

Funny: If you google "Bet on the election" your top search results will be Black Entertainment Network's coverage of the election.

So try to avoid that unless you're concerned about who Lil Romeo gave his endorsement to. (Pretty sure he's an HRC guy.)

Q: What tips or tricks have you picked up after living in New York City for more than a year?

A: Pretty fun trick I've learned: When you get stuck talking to a Baseball Dork (lots of them here in NYC), and they're going on and on about some guy from the 70's or 80's that you've never heard of; just sigh and call that player "Sweet Swingin" and Baseball Dork will be super impressed.

This is how a convo with baseball dork could play out:

Baseball Dork: You know, Tom Henke is one of the most underrated players of the 80's.

Pete Bryan: Holy crap! I agree with you! He never got his due... sigh... Sweet Swingin' Tom Henke... (shake head)

BD: Tom Henke was a pitcher.

PB: Oh... well... Henke was a shortstop in A and Double-A ball, they moved him to the mound because of his arm. And he couldn't hit a curve. LOL!! You didn't know that? Pfftt... some baseball dork you are.

And scene.

Aight, that's all the time I have for questions.

Now get up outta my mix.

In conclusion, click here: Here

Recap of my Costa Rica trip

2008-04-22T23:52:00.003-06:00

So I was just in San Carlos, Costa Rica doing a little volunteer work at an orphanage. Our duty was to re-paint all the walls and maybe paint something fun on the walls if we had enough time. Plus we were also encouraged to spend as much time with the kids as possible.

The group got a ton done! We finished painting all the walls and then we painted 5 murals on the front wall.

The kids were a lot of fun and super cute. I would love to post some pictures of the kids so we could all bask in their cuteness, but right now they're in the Costa Rican legal system and it is illegal/unethical to publish any pictures I have with the kids in them.

So you're just going to have to trust me on the amount of cuteness they possess. Think of a fluffy bunny rabbit wearing fuzzy mittens, holding a puppy. And they're sitting in a saucer full of milk. That's how cute the kids where.

Here is a pic of me hard at working painting the hell out of that wall:

Here are some chicks:

An elephant:

A frog:

We also got to do some fun stuff when we were done volunteering everyday. Por ejemplo, we saw some gators and crocs! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Then we went to a butterfly garden. This is me and Sarah trying to shoot butterflies with our cameras:

Did you know that one of the main differences between butterflies and moths is that when they're in their resting position butterflies close their wings and moths keep theirs flat. And did you know that because of that fact it makes butterflies a pain in the butt to get a picture of?

After much effort I got a good one:

A local music group called Estudiantinas performed LIVE in our house! 'Twas awesome!

After a long week we all journeyed up to some hot springs for some R&R. Here is me y Li looking all kinds of sassy:

When we were done we headed up to La Fortuna for the weekend.

Quick piece of trivia: Do you know what La Fortuna means in English?
Answer: The Fortuna

Here is a picture of the pool at our hotel, with a nice view of the very active Arenal Volcano:

It was nice, but it didn't have any hammocks! What a joke! Look what I had to settle for:

That's just not acceptable.

If you've read my blogs from back in 2006, you'd know that I was quite fond of the Pilsen beer last time I was in Costa Rica. Much to my surprise they've added a new type of Pilsen to the lineup: Pilsen 6.0!

Normal Pilsen has an alcohol content probably in the high 4's, so the 6.0 definitely has an extra kick to it.

For example, look how studious and responsible Li and I look before our first 6.0:

Now take a look at us halfway through:

WHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! SIX POINT OH BABY!!!

Or as I like to call it: Six point Flo. Because after a couple of those, your ass is on the floor! (Sometimes I have a feeling that my marketing genius is only rivaled by the guy who thought of the $5 Footlong commercials for Subway.)

I can't imagine how different my first Costa Rica experience would have been if Pilsen Six point Flo had been invented.

Probably pretty much the same, actually.

Moving on.

We also went on zip lines! Here are Li, Sarah and I looking super into it:

THat's it for now. My computer is being super weird so I want to post this before it crashes and I lose this forever

Back in the swing of it

2008-04-07T13:54:00.001-06:00

So I've been in Costa Rica for a couple days and I feel like I've picked up right where I left off, eventhough it has been two years since I was here last. Little things like jokes in Spanish that I remember, grabbing a milkshake at a store called Pops, and calculating the exchange rate all seem like second nature.

The only bad thing is it looks like my sworn enemies, Las Hormigas (the ants) have been waiting for my return. My left ankle is already a red, swollen, itchy mess after an abush by San Carlos' most elite forces. The struggle rages on, but I will emerge victorious.

I decided to add myself to the CCS logo:

Much better.

Anyway, we have a feedback meeting in about 7 minutes so I need to run. Or correr. Or whatever.

I should have some more pictures soon.

Until next time.

Sloppy Joe Sunday

2008-04-02T20:14:00.003-06:00

Costa Rica is only 3 days away!!

Holy shit, I need to start doing some pushups.

I'm kicking myself for not starting the Chipotle Challenge the other day.

I met my friend Sejal at a Chipotle in the East Village. Everything was perfectly normal until we left and headed back to the subway.

As I'm walking down the street I notice a couple people covered in feathers.

"What in the world?" I think to myself.

Next, I see people standing on the street corner hitting eachother with pillows.

"Okay, that explains the feathers," I think.

But wait, why in the hell are people beating eachother up with pillows?!?!

It turns out that every year they have a pillow fight at Union Square. And now I notice that TONS of people have pillows!

I'm thinking "DAMN! I wish I had my camera! This is the EXACT type of random event I was hoping to capture during the Chipotle Challenge."

So I blew it.

A little video footage from one of the largest pillow fights in the world:

I'm pretty pumped to go back to Costa Rica, I can't even explain it. I wish I was going for more than a week! Too bad.

Also, I'm going as a responsible staff member, so there will be no stories of debauchery like my previous trip.

In other words, don't expect anything like this:

Right now my life is all about The Return of things. For example:

I'm returning to Costa Rica.

Peter Forsberg returned to the Colorado Avalanche.

The Birdman returned from his drug supsension and is back in the NBA.

And best of all: NCAA Football 2009 by EA Sports is returning to Nintendo.

As if I didn't waste enough time playing video games already.

I can't wait to create a football program at Metro State University and turn it into a Division I powerhouse in the span of two years. Sure, Metro State's star runningback Pete Bryan is 26 years old, but he still has 4 years of elibility left! BYU does it, why not Metro?

Madden is fun and all, but it can't match NCAA. (Eventhough I've finally figured out how to work around the salary cap in Madden. It took me long enough.) When EA Sports stopped making NCAA Football for Nintendo back in 2006, I was devistated. But it's back!

Watch out USC, Ohio State and LSU! Metro State is coming after yo ass!

Did you know that the University of Georgia awards the Peabody Award? Seriously? The University of Georgia? Do they even speak English down there?

This University of Georgia?:

I'm hoping they mean the University of Georgia based out of Tbilisi.

There is nothing better than a robot falling down stairs. Period.

I wish I could go back in time and warn Asimo to not walk up the stairs.

NO ASIMO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Then I would use my time machine to travel to a concert at BB King's in Time Square that I skipped because I didn't have the money. And I would pick Brother up in the time machine on the way to the concert.

We'd probably be the only gringos there, but you better believe we'd be in the front singing our little hearts out. I'm pretty sure I'd rush the stage at the 56-second mark of the clip.

The concert:

Bed time ya'll. HULA!! err... HOLLA!

Playing hooky for March Madness

2008-03-20T13:38:00.003-06:00

For the first time in my life I'm staying home to watch the first round of the NCAA Men's Basketball tournament. I am shocked that it took me this long.

It figures that so far there have been 0 upsets and 0 good games. But whatever.

Sidenote: I would like to thank my local CBS affiliate for FINALLY switching to the Kentucky/Marquette game instead of showing the Pitt/Oral Roberts blowout.

I know the game is being played in Denver, and you gotta love watching a team named "Oral"; but I'd rather watch good basketball.

Guess what!?!? In a Christmas miracle I got my TV in time!

Check out the new and improved setup:

The picture quality is average because I don't have an HD feed. I went to Radioshack this morning and bought an S-Video cable and it still isn't much better. But for me it is perfect. I have really poor vision so the key for me is a big screen. The actual quality of the picture doesn't matter.

I also bought component cables for my Wii and it looks spectacular. I haven't bought component cables for my DVD though. The ones they had at Radioshack were 40 bucks. No thanks.

So right now I have a good Marquette/Kentucky game on the widescreen and UNLV blowing out Kent State and representing the Mountain West Conference, streaming live on my laptop.

I have a 40 of St Ides and pizza rolls cooking in the microwave.

Not sure if it gots much better.

Gotta run!

The Joker is mild

2008-03-16T19:10:00.003-06:00

I ordered a TV from Amazon.com and I'm still waiting for it. I paid Amazon but it is being shipped by a company called TigerDirect. I don't know how their relationship works, but that's just the way it is.

I haven't gotten any shipping details from TigerDirect or Amazon, so I emailed TigerDirect to see what's up. They reply to me:

Thank you for your email, we are requesting your order information from Amazon which was not provided properly pls allow 48 to 72 hours with order information. We apologize for the incovenience.

Freaking great.

So I'm kinda pissed off and I want nothing more than to send some scorching emails to the good folks at Amazon and TigerDirect. But instead I do that thing where if you're mad at someone you write them a letter, put it away, calm down, read the letter later, and realize you weren't as mad as you thought you were.

But my letters are hilarious! I'm not going to send them because some scrub has to read them and the last thing they want to do is respond to someone acting like an a-hole, but I'll post them here.

The first is my letter to Amazon. We'll jump in a couple paragraphs into the email, to the meat of the letter:

"Dear Amazon Customer Service,

...it turns out that my order doesn't even exist with TigerDirect. They say my Amazon order wasn't "provided properly".

That's awesome. Thanks.

TigerDirect said, "pls allow 48 to 72 hours with order information." Two things about that:

1) 48 to 72 hours? Are you kidding me? Get on the phone and get it done in 2 minutes. Unbelievable.

2) Amazon is associated with companies who use words like "pls" in their emails. Very professional. Remind me, am I chatting with a 12 year old girl or purchasing expensive electronic equipment? Perhaps the tendancy to cut corners by avoiding nuisances like "using vowels" is what got me into this situation in the first place.

I bought the TV in hopes I'd have it in time for the first round of the upcoming NCAA basketball tournament. I ordered it on the 7th. The 7th! Now it's the 16th and my order hasn't even been placed. The 16th!

I guess all I can do is hope there was some sort of tracking snafu and it will still show up on Monday or Tuesday. March madness, indeed.

Sincerely,

Pete Bryan"

My response to TigerDirect was shorter and sweeter:

"48 to 72 hours? Really? Are you communicating by carrier pidgeon?

Try not to break a sweat guys.

Thanks for nothing,

Pete Bryan"

The silver lining to all this is that if the TV doesn't arrive by Tuesday (which it won't), I can cancel my order and get a full refund. Thanks for playing.

And I got an idea for a new t-shirt. It would say: "Pls use vowels". That cracks me up.

Okay, lets move on.

Q: Hey Pete, I wish there was somewhere on the internet that would inspire me to do something with my free time. You know, instead of rotting away infront of the TV, I could be creating something. I wish there was a website that would inspire me and perhaps give me a couple chuckles along the way.

A: Well I'm glad you came to me with that random quiry because I have the site for you. Check out my buddy Erick's blog at:

http://goodrubbish.blogspot.com/

On this site he takes disgarded items and turns them into something useful or into a brilliant piece of art.

Even if you're not into crafty things and working with your hands, still check it out for the commentary. It's like something I would write if I were funnier and had an education.

Speaking of talented friends, I seem to have a bunch right now.

My old chum Troy is the president of his very own company. He was working on movies, then he had a comic thing, and now he is producing comic books... or something. I have a hard time keeping up. Anywho, check out his website at: http://www.stillplayingwithtoys.com. You can even download some of his comic books for free.

Quick side note: Troy was the first person I knew who had his own website. This was way back in the 90's! We were juniors in high school. I thought I was pretty hot shit when I was writing about the Broncos on AOL, but Troy had his own freaking site! it was called... oh gosh... Nettroy.com.... or troynet.com... I can't remember. Netsolo.com! That's it, I think. Netsolo.

I met a girl named Thi-Le when I was in Costa Rica. She is using her "talents" to get into a calendar shoot, but needs our help! (But don't go to this page if you're at work, it is just full of girls in bikinis. You've been warned.)

Go to http://www.campusgirlsusa.com/ and vote for her! In fact, here is the direct link you need to go to: http://www.campusgirlsusa.com/makethegrade.php?gid=13

Give her all A+'s!

Now I'm no pansey, or tree-hugging feminist, or whatever; but even I'm a little creaped out about campusgirlsusa.com. All those girls just standing in their bikinis with grades next to their pictures? That's a little much.

But it is all for breast cancer research! Somehow... (I'm serious.)

Anyway, just go there and vote for her and send her to the Caribbean. She deserves it. And in case you're at work and wondering what she looks like, here is a picture of her fully clothed:

So have you been put in charge of a large party or function of some sort? Afraid to plan this shindig by yourself because your idea of "classy" is buying the plastic plates over the paper? Can't figure out the wine list because the venue doesn't offer the fancy wine that comes in a box? Don't fret, I got you covered!

Just head on over to http://www.ladyprevot.com, check out what she offers, and marvel in the fact that she used to date me. Semi-hilarious. (I promise her taste has improved.)

Last, if you haven't watched the youtube clip of my friend Ben Kronberg on the Jimmy Kimmel Show yet, I'm giving you another chance:

If you're ever in LA, try to see his show. He is hilarious, trust me! You can find his upcoming shows at http://www.myspace.com/benkronberg

And I'm spent.

Until next time.

P.S. Quick shout out to Auntie Claudia. I bought Super Smash Bros with the $50 gift card you gave me for Christmas. So thanks for that.

Countdown to Costa Rica: 19 days

My good buddy Double Down

2008-03-05T20:28:00.003-07:00

I have a presentation tomorrow and I need to finish up my PowerPoint presentation. So I guess it is better to waste some time writing a blog instead.

They're making a movie about one of my favorite books of all time: "Bringing Down The House". (If I remember 7th grade English correctly, book titles are supposed to be underlined. I can't figure out how to underline, so quotations will do. And the sad thing is that I've been keeping this blog up for about 2 years and this is the first time I've ever mentioned a book. Yikes.)

I'm super excited and super nervous about this. The book was a true story about a group of MIT students who learned Blackjack and took Vegas for shitloads of money.

I love Blackjack, so obviously I loved this book. It went into so much detail about the game and I just ate it up.

Here's the thing. For every person in the world, there is one thing that they understand more than anything else. It is just something in their genetics that they can't explain.

For me, that one thing is Blackjack. I have always been good at Blackjack. It has always made sense to me.

The first time I read about Basic Strategy, I didn't learn anything new. It just reaffirmed what I already knew. (Basic Strategy is the result of scientific research about when to hit, stand, split or double down.)

When I first learned about Card Counting (a way of keeping track of what cards have been played, which is illegal in Vegas) I didn't learn anything new. I was already counting cards on my own!

I love Blackjack. It is my thing. I have won thousands of dollars playing Blackjack. For me, Blackjack is an art. It is a metaphor for life. It is the most beautiful thing in the world. And that's why this movie scares me.

Back in the day, Poker used to be a fringe game that people didn't know a lot about. You'd play it from time to time with your friends, but no one really knew what they were doing. Then the movie "Rounders" came out. "Rounders" started a poker revolution. All of the sudden Poker is on ESPN, Fox Sports, NBC, ABC and The Food Network. Every schmuck in the world is a poker player.

I don't want this to happen to Blackjack. I don't want people to see this movie and think they can start counting cards and hitting the tables.

When you go to a casino, all the douchebags who wear sunglasses indoors are playing poker at the Texas Hold 'Em tables. I'm afraid that after seeing this new movie, all the douchebags will migrate over to the Blackjack tables.

It's gonna happen. I just know it.

And I'm not sure if you noticed, but I never mentioned the name of this movie because I want to see it and I hope you don't.

I really need to work on my presentation now.

Until next time.

Countdown to Costa Rica: 31 days
Countdown to Super Smash Brothers Brawl: 4 days

Quick note about Smash Brothers:

I'm so lonely here in New York. I miss my family so much. Super Smash Brothers Brawl has online game play. I can connect to people online and play. I know Brother will pick up a copy of SSBB because he has a sweet new job.

But it won't be the same if Cousin can't join in too. Poor Cousin has a wife, a kid, a mortgage... sigh... I'd really love if Cousin could get a copy of SSBB and play with us... it would really make me feel less homesick...

I wonder if someone in Idaho could put a measly $50 together and buy it...

cough... Jaimii... cough.... Kellii... cough... Kent... cough... Grandpa... Codii...

I'm so very lonely.

The barbwire goes all the way around

2008-03-02T20:22:00.003-07:00

One of the advantages of my old apartment in Harlem was that it wasn't comfortable enough for me to lay around all day. It forced me to go out and do stuff.

My new place? Not so much. I'm just laying around all day, not doing a damn thing. Which doesn't lead to the most exciting blogs in the world.

I set up my entertainment center:

Notice the priceless memerobilia. The full collection of limited edition Denver Nuggets nesting dolls, a Colorado State mini-helmet signed by Bradlee Van Pelt, and an authentic vintage Denver Broncos trash can. Unbelievable. This is why I don't make my address public. I'd have everyone trying to break in and steal my stuff.

DirecTV will be adding a sports channel called The Mtn this summer. This is a big deal. The Mtn is the official network of the Mountain West Conference and televises all of their sporting events. Last year I saw one Colorado State football game, this year I'll probably see around 10.

Add in the fact that I'll have every pro football game on Sundays with NFL Sunday Ticket and the US national soccer team's qualification matches for the 2010 World Cup will be in full swing; I'm not leaving the living room too often.

I decided I need to manufacture something that'll make me get out of the house. So starting this spring I'm intiating the Chipotle Challenge. Over the span of a couple months I'm going to eat at all the Chipotles in Manhattan. I'll bring my camera with me and do a photographic tour of the surrounding area. It'll be like a tour of lower Manhattan, courtesy of the wonderful people at Chipotle. Hopefully weird stuff will happen to me while I'm doing this so I'll have neat stories to tell. Because weird stuff usually happens to me.

The list of locations:

Bowling Green
Maiden Lane
Varick
St Mark's
NYU North
6th Avenue
Union Square
Wolf Twine
7th Avenue
Park Avenue
Empire State
Penn Plaza
Bryant Park
Grand Central
Clinton
48th Street
52nd Street
Worldwide Plaza
Columbia University

That's 19 in all. I gotta give myself a deadline to get this done. I was thinking July 6th. The 4th of July is on a Friday this year, so I figured it would be cool to party all weekend and pat myself on the back for completing the Chipotle Challenge.

Aight, bed time.

Countdown to Super Smash Brother Brawl: 6 days
Countdown to Costa Rica: 33 days

Updates, pictures and stuff

2008-02-24T00:18:00.004-07:00

The move to my new apartment is officially complete now that I have the internets up and running.

The thing that blows my mind is that none of my neighbors had wireless that I could mooch off of. Turns out I moved from the ghetto to a barren wasteland of technophobes. Whatever. My apartment is glorious. It even has a patio.

And good luck to any of my lame-ass neighbors who want to sign on to my wireless connection, a.k.a. ElwayNet. My shit is password protected SUCKAZ!

I'm sure they don't care. They'll probably just continue taking joy in looking through my windows. Things like "drapes" or "blinds" really aren't in the budget at this point of my life.

I still don't feel like I have closure from the whole Harlem experience, so I'd like to share an open letter to Harlem:

Dearest Harlem,

GFY.

All the best,

Pete

My buddy Ben Kronberg was on the Jimmy Kimmel Show the other day! For all you geriatrics who couldn't stay up late enough to watch it, here it is. Prepare for your sides to be split:

Lets play a game real quick:

Show of hands. Who here has a job that sends them to Ghana, all expenses paid?

Hmmmm.... who is that? Oh, that's right... THIS GUY.

And everyone keeps telling me I'm wasting all my potential. Enjoy your cubicles.

(Actually, 90% of the year I'm in a cubicle; I'm just trying to sound cool.)

(And it is totally working.)

Anyway, I got to visit all the schools, day cares, orphanages, hospitals, and NGOs where we place volunteers. Luckily for me, most of the folks in charge of these places spoke English so everything went smoothly.

I had this crazy, once-in-a-lifetime moment when I was visiting a placement called Christ Orphanage. I'm talking to the founder, Raymond Attrah, while I have half a dozen kids draped on my shoulders. Two kids are fascinated by the tattoos on my arms, tracing them with their fingers. And at that moment it dawned on me: This is my job.

Kinda cool.

Anyway, the Christ Orphanage is doing great work in Hohoe. They are super understaffed so I'm really happy we have volunteers there.

A group of volunteers even made a website!

http://web.mac.com/aortlip/iWeb/Christ%20Orphanage/Welcome.html

Lets break down some Ghanarific photographs:

This is the Wli Waterfall. (Pronounced "Wheelie". Like what you'd do on your bike) It is the tallest waterfall in all of west Africa:

Playing in the waterfall. I was afraid a rock would hit me in the head or something:

Some kids wanted me to take their picture. Instead of taking what would have been a really cute picture, I decided to make it blurry. That's how I roll:

MONKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:

I spent most of my time in a town called Hohoe, where our program is located. On the weekend I got to go to Cape Coast. I went with Makafui, who is in charge of our Ghana program, and his fiance. It took me 18 attempts to pronounce her name correctly so I won't try to spell it. It sounded like "Yayera". Or something like that.

We rented a car. This bad boy:

Cape Coast was about a 6, 7 or 8 hour drive. I can't remember. It took forever. We had to go through the capital city, Accra. It was Friday rush hour, so we were in gridlock for awhile. Any time the car would stop we were sufficated by exhaust and street vendors. And we stopped a lot.

And these vendors sold everything! Gum, bananas, nuts, fish, toilet paper, water, apples, live crabs, pineapples, toys, phone chargers, jewelery. You can do all of your grocery shopping for the week and never leave your car. (Which we actually did on the way back.)

So we got to our place on Friday night. This sweet beachside resort. It was like, 20 to 30 bucks a night for my own bungalo. It 'twas awesome.

The beach:

the beachside restaurant:

At night the staff started a large bonfire and the resort held an all-you-can-eat buffett of chicken, rice, hot dogs, and other things I was afraid to eat. We sat by the bonfire, bellies full of smoked meats, throwing back bottles of Guiness Import (you gotta try the Guiness Import. It is super good.), talking about the Ghana program. Again, I'm thinking "This is my job!"

We went to the national rainforest the next day. Here are the three of us at the entry:

And on the canopy walk through the rainforest. SCARY!!!

Then we went to a restaurant and had some soup. The beauty of this dish is that you eat it with your hands so you get super messy. It has your choice of meat in it and there is also a cornmeal-type thing in there called fufu. Fufu is like really thick Playdo and you have to rip it apart with your fingers.

The soup was super spicy though, and I really struggled with it. I'm kind of a sissy:

The docks in Cape Coast:

Traditional drumming in Hohoe:

And a tradition of the Ghana program is that you get a personalized kente cloth when you leave. Here is me with Makafui and Akos, the house manager. I miss Akos dearly. She is easily in my Top 25 of people I've ever met. And I've met a lot of people.

And that was Ghana.

I had a New Year's party at my new apartment!

Look, Times Square in my living room!:

I'm posting the next picture for two reasons. First, you can get a decent look at my kitchen. Second, at this point I'm completely hammered and I still remember to flip a bird. That my friends, is dedication to the middle finger. I'm a seasoned pro.

In that last picture, I know I'm hammered because I'm wearing a different shirt. For some reason whenever I get shitfaced I decide I need to change my shirt. I don't know why.

Sometimes I wish I could get one of those airplane blackboxes installed in my brain so I could record what is happening inside my head whenever I get drunk. I'd love to hear the train of thought that leads to a wardrobe change.

"Holy crap... I can't keep my balance... I best be changing my shirt. That'll help."

Aight. Bedtime.

One last note:

You go to hell Sara Bareilles for getting your song stuck in my head for the past 12 hours. You go straight to hell.

head underwater and you tell me to breathe easy for awhile.............

Quick Update

2007-11-08T20:28:00.000-07:00

I am at the airport doing this on my phone. i will try to update from ghana if i can. if not look for something on the 21st. I am so high tech.

Going to Ghana!

2007-11-01T21:24:00.000-06:00

Wow team, a lot of big news coming out from your 'ol pal Pete Bryan. Lets get started.

It is now official, I am going to Ghana for a little business trip. I'll be gone from November 9th to the 20th!

Lets break down some quick Ghana facts:

Ghana is a country in the western part of Africa.

Now I know I've already lost a lot of you because I know a ton of people out there think "Africa" is a country. (I'm serious.) Africa is, in fact, a continent. There are many different countries on the continent.

Here, let me give you some pictures to help.

This is Africa, the continent. Can any of you guess where Ghana is?:

It is right here:

Lets go in for a closer view:

I will be near the border of Togo, in the Volta region, in a town called Hohoe, just north of Ho. (In other words: Pimp's up, Ho's down.)

You're probably asking yourself, "Holy crap Pete, you're traveling across the world for your job! Isn't this what you've always wanted to do?"

By golly, you're right! All of my dreams have, infact, come true! At this point I wish I could be like, "I told you so! All you people out there who said I'd never amount to anything! In your face!"

But that's really not very accurate. For the most part people are pretty supportive of me. If anything people are probably surprised that it has taken me so long to get my shit together.

But don't get me wrong, my shit is not together. It is nowhere near together. In fact, my life still probably resembles a loose bowel movement. (Goodness, we just got a little graphic there didn't we?)

Ghana just celebrated their 50th year of independence. Here is a picture:

Independence from what? I don't know. I'm guessing Ninjas. Ill-tempered Ninjas.

They have a soccer team who beat the crap out of the US in the last World Cup:

The team is nicknamed the Black Stars. (Because of their flag, you racists!)

I have more big news that is in the works and I don't want to jinx it. Lets just say that I may be biddin adieu to Harlem soon and into a decent section of the Bronx. (They exist, I swear.) But we'll see.

And my final piece of huge news:

They are making a video game where Pirates take on Ninjas in a big game of Dodgeball!

YES!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.piratesvsninjas.com/

(it is only for the xbox though)

Not only can Pirates play against Ninjas, there will also be four other teams. So far they've announced one of the teams will be Zombies!

What will the other three be?!? I can't stop thinking about it!

Werewolves? Aliens? Vikings? Gangsters? Draculas?

Think about it. Discuss with your friends and family. Heck, even post your idea in this here comment section.

REACT TO ME!

GOOD NIGHT!

When you lie it just don't show

2007-10-20T21:22:00.000-06:00

I'm back from Mexico and all that. Lets continue with our Question and Answer session.

Q: Hey Pete, do you have any cool videos from Mexico with Gabe and Pops in the background?

A: I do! Thanks for asking.

Q: Wow! That was cool! What do you think that trick would look like with say, 13 or 14 shot glasses instead of 4?

A: I dunno. Perhaps something like...... THIS:

Q: So did your brother pay some mariachis 5 dollars to play "Malaguena Salerosa"?

A: You bet your ass he did!

Here's a little tip for all you kids out there. Sometimes you'll find yourself at a Mexican food place and you'll be approached by a mariachi band. They'll ask if you have any requests. Don't be that guy who requests "La Bamba". Just don't do it. And please, for the love of God, don't be that a-hole who requests the Macarena. Don't be that guy!

Instead, request Malaguena Salerosa. The mariachis will appreciate your knowledge and possibly give you a tip of their sombrero. Your friends will be impressed that you know a mariachi song and then you can say something smug like, "I appreciate all forms of music, not just the corporate pop music that MTV shoves down our throats."

Then you can pat yourself on the back like the snooty asshole you are.

And in case you were wondering, requesting "Guantanamera" is borderline at best.

Q: What the hell is "Malaguena Salerosa"?

A:

Q: So who made you the expert on mariachi music?

A: I dunno, it's my blog, I'll do what I want.

Q: What other pics do you have from Mexico.

A: Wow, thanks for asking. If I would have known beforehand you'd be so interested I would have done a better job at taking pictures! I just have a couple others.

Huge margaritas!

Beautiful sites:

I really don't have any great stories from the trip. No bar fights, no run-ins with the Puerto Vallarta Police Department, no late night rendevous with Scandanavian girls with wierd names, nothing.

Q: What makes you smile?

A: Just looking at this picture makes me smile:

But keep in mind that I am an enormous dork.

Q: How is your fantasy football team doing?

A: Anyone who has played fantasy football knows how it is; one of those classic years where I'm the second highest scoring team in the league but I have a sterling 2-4 record.

I shouldn't be surprised though. It's never a good sign when the best player on your fantasy football team is a basketball player:

In a related story: Hey Frank Gore, any day now fella. The season started 7 weeks ago.

Q: How about those Rockies?

A: You know, I get a little choked up when I think about my Rockies. You see, I've been through so much with them. Anyone who knows Pete Bryan knows that Pete Bryan's life is all about Rockies baseball and if you were slice Pete Bryan open with a knife, Pete Bryan would bleed Purple and Black.

I just love this team so much. But how couldn't you, with guys like Tommy Tulowitzki, Matt Halladay and Denny Neagle on the roster?

Honestly, it is fun sticking it to the Yankee and Met fans in my office. Most of them who had no idea they play baseball outside of New York and Boston. These are the same kind of people who can't tell you what the time difference between Eastern and Mountain. The same folks who believe Denver is nestled between two mountains peaks and is under 10 feet of snow all year.

It figures that the Broncos will be on national TV tonight and the weather report calls for snow and temps in the 30's and 40's.

What they don't know is that it'll be in the 70's the rest of the week. I guess that's one of the cool things about Denver, no one else knows how great it is unless you live there.

As all those dirty Californians who relocated to the Mile High City could tell you.

Quick note to Douglas County: enjoy those 6 inches of snow! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I can't say that I miss that.

Q: Did you hear that...

A: Wait, you don't even need to finish. I know what you're going to say. Yes I did, hear. The Mighty Colorado State Rams finally snapped their losing streak at 13 games. What a relief.

Q: What are those wacky Japanese up to now?

A: Urban camoflauge:

I'm serious:
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/20/world/asia/20japan.html?em&ex=1193112000&en=1017507665faa42d&ei=5087%0A

Q: What brings a tear to your eye?

A: It is fall and do you know what that means? New Belgium is brewing 2 Below and Odell is brewing Isolation Ale. I'd love to have me a six pack of either.

Look at this picture of the New Belgium Brewery:

It is so beautiful. How could a place like that NOT brew great beer? Back when I lived in Old Town Fort Collins the New Belguim Brewery was right across the street from me.

Now that I've moved to Harlem do you know what is right across the street from me? The General Grant Housing Projects, that's what. Awesome:

Q: Where exactly do you live?

A: Here is a pretty cool site that I found that basically gives a photo tour of my hood:

http://www.forgotten-ny.com/NEIGHBORHOODS/manhattanville/manhattanville.html

Okay, bed time.

Hey now, heeeeeeey now. Don't dreeeeeeam it's over.

Too short

2007-10-03T19:46:00.000-06:00

I know you have some questions, lets get them answered. Another FAQ:

Q: Starting off, anything you'd like to tell the general public?

A: Something I deal with from time to time that annoys me: You can't get paid to volunteer. It is impossible. Look up the word "volunteer" in the dictionary.

In fact, I've done it for you:

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/volunteer

Saying you once got paid to volunteer is a false statement. It would be like saying you like the color blue because it is red.

Q: When are you traveling, what's the haps on that?

A: Pete Bryan is going to Mexico this Saturday suckaz! A little bit of paradise in the form of a village:

http://www.paradisevillage.com

Q: That looks nice. But what about that staff travel you've been talking about?

A: I get to go for a week to either Brazil, Costa Rica, Peru, Guatemala or Russia. My first choice is Brazil. But airfare is all kinds of insane and you have to pay something like $150 for a visa.

Russia, Guatemala and Peru would all be awesome but I'm just not super pumped to go to any of them. I just can't help it, I love Costa Rica. I want to go back. I miss the staff so much. I talk to Jose on IM a couple times a week, I'm always sending Lucy my love and Santi just sent me some Costa Rican candy and nicknacks.

Seriously, how could you not love these guys:

I'm 95% sure I'm going to Costa Rica to volunteer for a week on 4/20/08.

So that week will be just for fun and I also have some work travel coming up. That'll probably be longer than a week and I'll be working while I'm there. All I know right now is that it will most likely be by the end of the calendar year and they want me to go somewhere in Africa or Asia.

I have an idea of where I might go, but I don't want to jinx it like I did last time.

All I'm saying is that this might look cool on my wall:

So I have Mexico coming up. Mystery country in November or December. Costa Rica in April and probably a trip to Ecuador around June-ish.

I hate to do this, but I just realized what time my flight is tomorrow morning and I have to cut this short. I was going to post videos of robots and everything.

I guess that'll just leave you wanting more for my next update when I get back from Mexico.

Global Cooling

2007-09-30T20:31:00.000-06:00

A lot of universities have special debit cards for their students that parents can put money on and students can use the cards at participating places like bookstores, cafeterias and local restaurants.

I was talking to someone who attends Vassar College in Poughkeepsie, New York. Vassar has a debit card for students. They call it The V-Card! THE V-CARD!

I wonder how many Vassar students will cash in their V-Cards this year. I'm sure some students will cash in their V-Cards before they set a foot on campus.

How many people reading this have any idea what I'm talking about and why that is so funny? I'm going to go with.... A handful.

I have been in New York for about 7 months now. Two of the differences that I noticed that I didn't anticipate:

Parades:

In Denver, a parade is a great excuse to spend some time outside and be with your friends and family.

In New York, a parade is a great excuse to shoot someone.

Breathing:

In Denver, people have a difficult time breathing because there is less oxygen in the air due to the high elevation.

In New York, people have a difficult time breathing because everything smells like piss.

Just those tiny little details that make life so unpredictable.

I got to get out of the city this weekend, me and Li headed a little ways upstate and went to an apple orchard. This place was ginormous! All kinds of people were there with huge picnics set up. They made a whole day out of it. I was surprised by the enormity of it all. I'm pretty sure we don't have apple orchards in Colorado.

So they had rows and rows of apple trees and you could fill up a bag for $18 or something like that.

Me:

Li with the loot:

Then we went back to beautiful Harlem and ate at a Vietnamese/Japanese restaurant nearby. We both had leftover food so we asked to get it boxed up. The busboy boxed the food up and then gave it to someone else.

Whoops.

They gave us some free sushi to make up for their mistake. But then I put the sushi in my fridge and forgot about it.

Whoops.

Then Sunday rolled around. I went 0-3 this weekend with my college, pro and fantasy teams all losing in spectacular fashion.

It's okay. This time next week Pete Bryan will be in Mexico. Fajitas, Margaritas and Senioritas. (eeehhh... 2 out of 3 ain't bad)

I'm soooooo tired of the crappy mexican food in New York. I cant wait to get some real Mexican food. It is ridiculous that there are 5 trillion restaurants in this city and I have yet to find one that cooks Mexican food correctly. The closest thing New York has to real Mexican food is Taco Bell.

But seriously, do you want to know how bad the Mexican food in New York is? It is so bad that if Casa Bonita relocated to Manhattan, they would automatically be the best Mexican joint in all of NYC. I'm serious. That is how horrible it is out here.

Related sidenote: Flan is disgusting, no matter where you are.

People sing the same song everywhere I'm going

2007-09-20T19:31:00.000-06:00

I was going to write a big long entry but I'm tired. I had a long day today. I had to go to Hartford, Connecticut to represent my organization at a study abroad fair on the campus of University of Hartford.

I'll tell you one thing about Hartford, it is New England's rising star! How do I know? Because all the signs around town told me so, that's why.

Hartford! New England's Rising Star!

I will leave you with a little brain bender that kept me busy during the train rides today:

Who wins in a fight between Grown Man Who Still Runs Through The Crosswalk versus Guy Who Pees In The Stall Because He's Too Embarassed To Use The Urinal?

My final decision was that there would be no fight because Crosswalk Guy's fight or flight response is obviously flight; and Pee In Stall guy is probably lacking the testosterone needed to throw fists.

I like my girls how I like my books

2007-09-13T22:49:00.000-06:00

One of my favorite places to eat is this Chinese place on Amsterdam and 79th-ish. It's called Silk Rose or Silk Road or something like that. This place is always packed but the folks in charge get the customers in and out quickly so you never wait too long.

You can get a plate of sesame chicken and a bowl of rice for $10. (Which is really good out here) Or you can get a heaping plate of pork fried rice for $6.50!

"Geez Pete," you're say, "This sounds like any other Chinese joint in the world. What makes it so special?"

Well thanks for asking. Along with offering reasonably priced entrees, they also have all you can drink wine!

Now for the most part I hate wine because it tastes like I should be dying easter eggs in it; but who can say no to free wine?

Check that, BOXED free wine. You get a little pitcher of wine at your table and they'll keep topping that thing off all night long.

And I like watching people walk past and see that the place is packed and the puzzled look on their faces. "What makes this place so special?" They grab a menu and see nothing out of the ordinary... pfffftt... tourists.

And I almost saw a fight! At one table you had 6 or 7 day-trader, suit and tie, douche-bag types. At the other table you had two sisters and the boyfriend of one of the sisters. The boyfriend was a total Groff. All throughout dinner he is talking loudly, dropping f-bombs and watching himself flex his muscles.

Towards the end of the meal the sisters get up to use the bathroom. (There is just one bathroom for the entire place.) Somehow about four of the Wall Street douchebag guys end up in the bathroom too. (Remember, all you can drink wine is involved here)

So now we have about 6 people locked into the bathroom. Greg Groff boyfriend is sitting at his table just snarling. He is so pissed. I'm dying of internal laughter.

Finally the girls leave, they exit and I can see the boyfriend yelling at them out on the street. Now he struts back into the restaraunt to kick some Wall Street ass. He's got that kind of strut that you can't tell if he's trying to pretend if he's a boxer or a rapper. The kind of strut that he perfected after watching Eminem in 8 Mile for the 50th time.

I'm pumped because I'm sure he'll get a couple good shots into the suit and tie crowd but then eventually get overwhelmed by their numbers and receive a pounding. That's what we call a "win, win" (But not a "win, win, win" those are much more elusive.)

But then the sister started pounding on the window and yelled "Come outside!"

Greg Groff did an immediate 180 and b-lined outside. A real tough guy this one.

So a couple weeks ago my pal Ben Kronberg was on the news! They're talking about "Denver's Underground Comedy Scene" how cool! And the greatest comedian of all is the weatherman at the end. HILARIOUS! Where does he get his material?

9 News

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Awwww... I miss Tuesday nights at the Squire Lounge. We were so cool that we just called it The Lounge. Back in the day the crowd at The Lounge consisted of a couple people my age, a bunch of burnt out war vets and homeless people. Now it is full of hipsters in track jackets who tend to get in the way of our fists from time to time.

I remember one time these two guys came in and ordered Coronas. The bartender looked at them like they were out of their minds. It was hilarious. But now I bet they sell Corona.

I hope Ben and his friends get famous one day. Then I can say something like, "I knew them from when they first started. Now that they've made it they've become so corporate." And I'll sound like a complete douche! Huzah!

I just got back from my fantasy football draft in Salt Lake City. It went well... up until they brought out the Beer Bong.

TIME FOR PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE!

Brother:

New-Brother:

Cousin Cody in an authentic Elway jersey:

Beautiful Rawlins, Wyoming:

My draft went okay. My team is all right. I got Thomas Jones which is nice because I'll get force fed so much New York Jets football that it'll be nice to have an actual interest in them.

My first week I lost to Tony Romo and Ronald Curry so that was pretty brutal Here I am sitting pretty after his two runningbacks (Parker and Brown) don't do too much damage. Then Romo and Curry go absolutely apeshit. That always sucks.

But it's hard to complain when you have a hot girlfriend. PETE BRYAN!

You are fish who is out of water. I am a great white shark.

2007-08-14T22:10:00.000-06:00

-I gotta give a message to one of my idiot neighbors with a loud cellphone: You've got a message! That damn thing beeps every two seconds! Clutch performance, a-hole.

-Let me tell you something that I can not stress enough for those of you who have never been to New York City: This place is filthy. You will never believe all the garbage, urine, insects, vermin and dog/bird/human feces here.

Hell, half the time the sidewalks are lined with piles of trash bags. Imagine the smell of black trash bags that have been baking in the sun all day. Pungent.

My new favorite game is when I'm walking down 125th and the wind picks up and I get to play "Dodge The Litter".

You should see my fire escape. It'd be a pretty cool place to chill out, take a couple swigs of a 40, whatever. But instead someone decided the fire escape is a good place to discard toilet paper, tissues and other items. Thanks guys!

HEY NEW YORKERS! YOUR WINDOW IS NOT A TRASH CAN!

Oh who the hell am I kidding, these assholes can't read... let me try another method:

Can I spell it out any easier for you morons?!?

(Hahahaha. SPELL it out? I used pictures instead of words! Get it? PETE BRYAN!)

-So some city officials are pushing for cell phone companies to equip the subways with cell phone service.

Worst. Idea. Ever.

I can just imagine being crammed on the 4/5/6 train during rush hour, surrounded by two dozen go-tard New Yorkers screaming into their cell phones like they have permanent tourettes or something.

HEY NEW YORKERS! I RECOMMEND YOU FAMILIARIZE YOURSELF WITH THE TECHNOLOGY PRESSED AGAINST YOUR EAR! YOU DON'T NEED TO YELL INTO YOUR CELLULAR DEVICES! THE PEOPLE ON THE OTHER END CAN HEAR YOU JUST FINE!

BY TYPING IN ALL CAPS I AM REPRESENTING THAT I AM YELLING RIGHT NOW. YOU SHOULD DO THE OPPOSITE WHEN YOU ARE CONVERSING ON YOUR MOBILE TELEPHONE. THANK YOU!

-I honestly didn't think I would be so much cooler than everyone in this city. I'm just as surprised as you are.

-How cool would Permanent Tourettes be?

-Well I guess tourettes is permanent.

-You get what I mean. Shut up.

-But man, if you get cell phone service in the subways then the "I missed your call because I was in the subway" excuse goes right out the window (along with the rest of your trash) Now what are you supposed to say when you're avoiding someone's phone call? Do you have to go back to the "My battery ran out" excuse? You can only use that one a few times until the other person loses complete faith in you as a human being.

Friend: So you why didn't you answer?
Me: My battery ran out.
Friend: Oh really, again? That's like the 5th time this week. What are you, some kind of retard?
Me: Dude it's not me, it's my phone
Friend: Sure it is.... Don't touch me.

-Hi M&M Cookie Ice Cream Sandwich! You are delicious. Oh really? You are produced by Masterfoods Inc? You bet your ass you are.

-The box of the M&M Cookie Ice Cream Sandwich says to keep them deep frozen. Deep Frozen? Hell yeah! I'm so cool that I'm Deep Frozen. So that would make your average New Yorker deep fried.

-Someone remind me to take a picture of the scariest children's toy ever next time I'm in the Bronx. It is so scary! I would have taken a picture of it before but I'm afraid to brandish a digital camera in that neighborhood. Either they'll mug me for it or they'll think I'm some kind of wizard with my time-capturing-hand-held-black magic box and stone me for practicing witch craft.

-I guess Bone Thugs N Harmony just put out a new album. They also have a tour where they're playing real venues nationwide.

This shocks me. I swear to god about 2 or 3 years ago Bone Thugs and/or Harmony played a gig at the pool of my apartment building. This is not a lie. This is not a classic Pete Bryan Tall Tale. Platinum rap group Bone Thugs n Harmony once played a gig at the Parkway Apartments. No bullshit. Talk about hitting rock bottom. CLEVELAND, OHIO! REACT TO ME!

-Convo between two girls on the subway today:

Girl 1: What are you doing tonight?
Girl 2: I am going to a free dance performance outside the Franklin Center.
Girl 1: OH MY GOD! THAT SOUNDS SO EXCITING!
Girl 2: Yeah, I guess.

Really Girl 1? Does that sound exciting? Why Girl 1? Do you know anything about said Free Dance Performance? What if the performance in question is the infamous Laotian Sword Dance where there is a 20% chance of decapitation for all audience members in attendance?

Would that be exciting Girl 1? Do you want to die Girl 1?

-I really have nothing to say.

-Go read my friend Stephanie's blog about trying out for an appearance in a rap video here:

Steph's Blog

It is funny.

BARSTOW, CALIFORNIA REACT TO ME!

This publisher is clearing house like I'm Ed McMahon

2007-08-05T20:52:00.000-06:00

I was on a Buck Twenty Five the other night waiting for a crosstown bus. I saw the worst blind guy of all time!

Most of the time you see a blind dude walking down the street with his little stick and it blows my mind. He deftly avoids puddles, cracks in the road, curbs and other obstacles. It's crazy how good they are. I always figure they're just faking it and they really can see. How else can you explain when blind dude narrowly misses stepping in an urban landmine, side steps a lady pushing a stroller, does a pirouette over a puddle, and stops on a dime at the street corner at the intersection because his light just change?

It is uncanny. It is amazing. Hell, it makes me wish I was blind so I could make an attempt at being so cool.

But man, this guy the other night... what a disaster. Running into people, smacking people with his stick, careening into all kinds of shit. Worst blind guy ever.

I was thinking, you know what he was probably having such a difficult time because it was so dark out.

Then I remembered he was blind.

My favorite park in NYC is Bryant Park. It has a ton of grass (which they close from time to time) to lay in, or all kinds of seating (3,000 chairs) if you'd rather sit. They have a movie screen (eventhough I've never seen a movie there) and professional pianists play there all the time. (I've never seen that either, I just wanted to say pianist)

Best of all, I can take the B & D train there and there is a Chipotle and a Jamba Juice are right across the street.

So I was there this past Saturday and some dude walks up to me. He starts giving me his story, trying to get some money, "I'm a former Marine and a veteran. But not of the Iraq war so please don't hate me."

I cut him off right there. I can't remember what I said, but something to the effect of "My brother was in Iraq, do you hate him?"

Now he's trying to backpeddle, the line that he probably uses 100 times a day and works 99% of the time backfired on him. "I was in Iraq too," he says, "Desert Storm. We should have just finished the job the first time."

At this point I could have pointed that now he is lying, but I didn't feel like it. Instead I just kept saying different variations of "I'm not giving you any money" until he went away. What I wanted to do is grab him by the arm and start kicking him repeatedly in the ass like my grandpa used to do to jaywalkers.

I was pissed off for a little while, but then I started to feel guilty that I acted like a douchebag to the guy. But come on! The last thing you should do if you want money from me is bad mouth our soldiers.

The only other approach I can think of that might be worse is the whole "The child is yours too and if you don't give me child support you're going to get thrown in jail" approach.

God! That gets so annoying!

If you haven't seen this yet, you must watch it now. It is the king of all things awesome. It is only 50 seconds long:

This is the full version of the live broadcast. The best part is when the guy is laying on the ground motionless and Tony Hawk says, "Wow... I can't believe he landed a 720"

Hilarious. Nice commentary Tony.

Me and Li went to the top of the GE Building, or to the "Top of the Rock" as their marketing gurus probably want me to say. It is fun doing touristy stuff like this from time to time to remind me that I actually live in NYC and this is my hood.

Empire State Building and other stuff. You can see the Statue Of Liberty way off in the distance.

Central Park.

Me y Li. The picture is actually a fraud and I'll tell you why in a second:

That pic is actually cropped. I cropped out what is probably the biggest eyesore in all of New York. If someone was to ask me what was the defining characteristic of New York architecture, I'd say it is all the scaffolding. It is everywhrere. Everything is under construction.

Here is the original photo with a big orange monstrosity in it:

I got my finger on the Empire State Building!

Li would too, but she's too short. (Or Pete is the worst photographer in the world and couldn't get it to work right and couldn't keep his hand steady.

Seriously, when have I become the suck at taking photos? Here is another example:

Me with Chief Wiggum:

Li with Chief Wiggum:

What am I on crack or something? I can't keep a steady hand for two gotdamn seconds? It looks like Li has 4 eyes or something. Maybe she really does and she ate her twin!!!! I bet that's it.

Anywho, as Comic Book Guy would say: Worst. Photographer. Ever.

You know, me and Li used to be good friends and hang out all the time. No more after she showed me this picture:

Yes, that is Celine Dion's star; and no, she is not joking around.

Celine Dion is evil. She ate her twin too. But it wasn't in the womb. It was actually a couple years ago. She couldn't finish all of it so she gave the rest of her twin to her fat husband. True story.

With about 26 days, 9 hours, 28 minutes and 17 seconds until this year's Rocky Mountain Showdown between Colorado State and UC, I need to decide whether to have a party or not.

Pro: It will be nice to have a large group around for the Rocky Mountain Showdown because it'll be my first away from home.

Con: I am an enormous douchebag when CSU plays UC and I don't know if I want my friends to see that side of me. Seriously, watching that game with me is like being around a guy with tourettes. If they show a UC player on the screen for too long I just start cussing. I also scream random shouts on encouragement for my guys. "Come on Pagnotta! Kick some ass!" Usually during a commercial break or something.

I just go crazy during that game. It isn't about football for me. It is personal. Hate is a strong word, I know this. But I hate Boulder, I hate that university, I hate the Flat Irons, I hate Pearl Street, I hate Crocs, I hate Ward Churchill, I hate trustafarians, I hate Boulder Brewing Company and Avery Brewing, I hate Jon Benet Ramsey, I hate the Daily Camera, I hate girls named Ralphie.

This is just a classic battle of good versus evil. Which works out pretty well for me because even when CSU comes up short on the scoreboard I still win because I get to root for CSU and not those assholes from the Republic of Boulder, the "cesspool of America". (USA Today's words, not mine)

I'm not the only one. Here is a video of two girls fighting at last year's game. Too bad the video is so short. But it shows the beauty of the rivalry. I bet neither of these girls watched another game the entire year. I bet both of them think "going for two" is something you do in the restroom.

But they're up in the nosebleeds going to blows anyway.

(Looks like the CU girl forgot her butt in her other pants.)

I'm telling you, there is some good old fashion hatred here. Which is nice. We're so PC nowadays that we're not allowed to hate eachother any more. I'll tell you this: If we can't hate eachother then the terrorists win.

I honestly have no idea how I've never been in a scuffle at the RMS. I'm always on my best behavior, but I have friends with loud mouths. The worst was the year Colorado went into the game ranked #6 in the nation and CSU beat them. UC fans were pretty pissy after the game and we were obnoxious as hell. (and remember UC fans outnumber us like, 4 to 1. But they are a bunch of frontrunning d-bags so they out numbered us about 10 to 1 that year.)

I just remember yelling, "Craig Ochs! Worst quarterback in Division 1A football!" over and over and over. Then he transferred to a 1-AA school in Montana. HA!

Anyway, last year we fielded the worst team in over a decade and still mustered out a victory, but this year we got our weapon back! The Julesburg Express!

Yeah, I know this is a reference to More Cowbell, and I know that a lot of you reading this have no idea what I'm talking about. And that makes me a little sad.

Do yourself a favor. Set aside 5 minutes of your life. Go to YouTube and search for More Cowbell. Or I can just post it for you here. Just remember to thank me later. Before we're done here we'll all be wearing gold-plated diapers.

You have to give credit UC credit though. They're making big steps towards cleaning up their program. For example, they're the first school to start a midget at quarterback.

Look how cute the little guy is! (Number 11)

He's so little!

And finally, these are Wyoming's new jerseys:

Ahhhh yes. Should be a banner year for the Rams.

Somebody's cold one is giving me chills

2007-07-30T19:21:00.002-06:00

One thing no one prepared me for is that it rains a helluva lot in New York. Not a very interesting observation but I just thought you'd like to know.

Oh man... I have the coolest thing ever to tell you...

Hold on, I have to contain my emotions for a second...

Okay, I'm ready.

So I was at this birthday party in Central Park. I'm talking to my buddy Stephen when he calls his friend over. He's like "Hey Pete, my friend here has something to tell you that you'll probably be really excited about."

So she starts talking and says she knows of a fun new drinking game. Now at this point I'm thinking, "Pfffffttt... whatev. Like a dumb girl knows anything about drinking games. What is it going to be? Take a chug for every clump in your mascara? Please."

She goes ahead and tells me about this game called Forrito Hands. Now I'm all kinds of intrigued and I mentally take back my "dumb girl" comment. She goes on to explain the game. Forrito Hands is a variation of Edward Fortyhands, the drinking game where you duct tape a forty to each hand and must finish both before your hands are freed. (Basically you chug really quick or you'll end up peeing yourself.)

But in this game you have a forty in one hand, and get this, a Chipotle burrito in the other!! How cool is that? How have I never heard of this before?

They say it's not that tough to complete and it actually becomes more of a timed event than a survival event.

So there you go, Pete dropping some new wisdom.

I really am full of wisdom and I wish people would listen to me more often. I plomise.

I can't wait for football season. My online account at Sportsinteraction.com is suffering right now. Just a little history, I opened that account about 4 or 5 years ago with $100. I've been playing with that same hundo this whole time. I've never re-upped. I even had the account up to $400ish at one point.

But I think it's down to $35 now. It's really sad. I'm never betting on the NBA ever again. And it has nothing to do with crooked refs. It has everything to do with Manu Ginobli.

I don't know why, but I'm blaming it on him.

Man, that reminds me of back in the day when Tava and Joe had a place near the CSU campus and I was living in Old Town Fort Collins. We were broke as a joke. We were living off $1 Wendy's doublestacks, $1 McDonald's spicy chicken sandwiches, 29 cent drink night at Wash Bar (along with our Trivia Night winnings because we were all kinds of intelligent) and either Keystone Light or 40 oz malt liquor.

Moral of the story is we were poor. Damn poor. But here is me and Joe with all kinds of money on random sporting events. Tava would get soooooo pissed. I remember one Saturday afternoon we lost a pretty decent bet when Cal lost to Oregon State and Joe and I were all kinds of upset about it. But Tava was even more upset because we were pissing our money away. I think she had to leave the room. Which I guess isn't a very funny story, but looking back it's pretty freaking hilarious.

And that game was all on you Kyle "I Can't Put It In The Endzone Against Oregon Freaking State" Boller. I hate you.

But hey, he can throw the ball 60 yards in the air will sitting on the ground cross-legged.

At least he's got that going for him.

Nice draft pick Baltimore.

God I hate Kyle Boller.

Some people frown on the gambling, but there's nothing better than having 20 bucks riding on a Thursday night showdown between two Conference USA powerhouses like East Carolina and UTEP.

(Pretty sure my mom is having a heart attack right now.)

In other news: Denver the last dinosaur, he's my friend and a whole lot more!

So I go out to meet some friends in the Meat Packing District. It turns out that the Meat Packing District is a super trendy part of town and my tshirt/jeans/tennis shoes combo wasn't good enough to get me into the majority of the places.

How lame is that? How in the hell can a trendy part of town be called the Meat Packing District? It smells like meat! MEAT!

Pete is officially way too cool for the Meat Packing District. Add it to the list of things Pete is officially too cool for.

My friend Steph always finds the greatest videos on the YouTube. I'm pretty sure this video is the worst thing of all time, yet incredibally rewatchable. I can't explain it. It is so bad, but so hilarioius. The acting, the cardboard props, the facial expressions, the syncronized dance moves that aren't quite syncronized... I can't watch the video the whole way through but about once a week I'm like, "I want to watch that again."

I don't know, decide for youself:

You know, a lot of folks think I'm a nice guy and all, but to quote Elton John, "I'm not the man they think I am at home."

I'm actually a pretty big turd and I hate most people who inhabit this earth. Take Super-Yuppie-I-Get-Whatever-I-Want-And-I-Want-It-Now Lady who was ahead of me in line the other day at the Westside Market. We're in the 10-item or less, cash only express lane.

Of course this Lady has more than the alotted 10 items because that's how Super Yuppies roll.

But first before I get into the story, you need to know how I knew that this line is, in fact, a 10-Item or less, cash only line. This was actually my first time stepping inside the market but I picked up on it pretty quick due the the huge "10 Items or Less" sign hanging from the ceiling and the equally enormous "CASH ONLY" sign hanging from the cash register.

It wasn't too tough to figure out. And it's not like I'm a rocket scientist or anything.

Oh no no no, I'm a rocket man. (Again, quoting Elton John. My bad.)

So the poor cashier girl finishes ringing up Super Yuppies' 20 or so items. She reads the total, and wouldn't you know it, Super Yuppie pulls out a credit card. And to top it off she says "Make sure you run this as credit, not debit."

Poor Cashier looks at the lady in disbelief for a good 5 seconds and then says, "Sorry I can only accept cash."

"Well, this is all I have," yuppie says defiantly thrusting the card in poor cashier's face.

"Sorry ma'am, I can only take cash."

"Well what do you want me to do then? This is all I have!" yuppie whines.

"I can void this out and you can take your items to another checkout line that takes credit cards," cashier responds.

Yuppie raises her voice, "WELL THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!"

At this point I don't know if poor cashier is shocked or amused. She says, "Well... there is a sign..." pointing to the huge CASH ONLY sign right in front of Yuppie's nose.

So Yuppie Bitch pauses for a second knowing that she has no other play. But then she comes back with the all time Yuppie Bitch statement and yells, "WELL THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT!!"

Good god I wanted to punch her square in the face. What does that even mean? Do people actually say that any more?

I turn to Yuppie Lady and say, "Well, that is a pretty ginormous sign. I have no idea how you missed it."

Now outnumbered she calms herself and says, "Okay, don't void it out because I don't want to wait for you to ring it up again. (Emphasizing "wait" and "you" to be extra demeaning to the lowly cashier.) I will go home and get some cash." And she exits.

Way to go Yuppie Lady. If it wasn't bad enough you were over the 10 item limit, then tried to use your credit card; now you want everyone to wait for you to go home and come back.

Poor cashier calls the manager over to void out the transaction because no one would wait around for that lady to come back. (I'm a seasoned cashier, I know this stuff.) She tells the manager what happened and he proceeds to yell at poor cashier for not letting Yuppie Lady know it was cash only.

So now Poor Cashier got yelled at twice! For nothing! All because Yuppie Lady is a moron.

I really do hate people. It's an epidemic.

I have to apologize to my super lame grocery store. They only carry two flavors of Yoplait yogurt. (TWO!) Mixed Berry and Mountain Blueberry.

Pete is a big fan of Raspberry, Banana, Vanilla and the occasional Key Lime Pie. But since The Met sucks big time (the grocery store, not the musuem), I had to venture out a little bit. The Mixed Berry sucked. I was hoping I'd like it because it is Pam Beasley's favorite and I love Pam Beasley. It tasted all right, but it has little bits of blackberry in it and they look like spiders that crawled into the yogurt and died a delicious death.

But goodness gracious, the Mountain Blueberry is the shit! What a stroke of genius that flavor is. Bravo Yoplait, bravo.

In fact, I have five little things of Mountain Blueberry chilling in the fridge right now!

(Yum, make that four.)

What are those things called that yogurt comes in? A container? Carton? Cup?

I went with "thing". I feel pretty good about that. My vocab is bad ass.

A couple years ago the Denver Broncos had a defensive end named Kavika Pittman. His nickname amongst the team was "Yoplait" because he made "your play and your play and your play" Which is crazy, because I don't remember seeing him make ANY plays, let alone plays for his teammates. I'll never forget that banner year he had in 2002 when he played in all 16 games and accounted for 38 tackles and 0 sacks. You da man Kavika.

I still don't like Mountain Blueberry enough to lick the cap though. You gotta really love something to lick the cap. That is all kinds of commitment.

Okay, bed time.

I wonder if this would look good on my bedroom wall... hmmmmmm....

Her perm got messed up because I hyperdrived

2007-07-17T21:02:00.000-06:00

Someone once asked me, "Pete what does this world need more of?"

I simply replied, "More of my effing blogs, that's what."

-You know what I haven't done in a long time and I'm kind of missing? Novelty Facial Hair. I'm talking about something like the Chin Strap:

The Neck Beard:

The unholy offspring of the Neck Beard and the Chin Strap, The Cousin Mose:

Possibly The Half Beard:

I don't know. Maybe I'll think of a whole new beard that no one has ever thought of. I don't know what it will be yet, but I'm pretty sure I'll name it The Gravity Beard.

Because I love gravity.

-One of my favorite things about riding the subway is that if you leave a sliver of space between yourself and the door while waiting for the subway to pull up someone will always cut right infront of you. Because getting in the subway ahead of one person is... saving them time... or something?

I just love those douchebags who have to be the first one on the train. Whoopee!

I don't think they were held enough as children.

It takes every ounce of my self control to not yell, "OH MY GOD YOU BETTER HURRY! THE TRAIN MIGHT LEAVE YOU!"

Scurry onto the train you little turd.

I am in constant disbelief about how lame people are out here.

-A word that I want to start using more is "Slew"

Just imagine if someone were to ask you a random question like... I don't know: How many oxen were needed to pull that wagon?

Instead of answering, "six oxen" or "a lot" or "I don't know", you can sound cool and say "A whole slew". If you wanted to sound really cool you'd say "a whole fucking slew" (sorry mom, but you gotta admit that sounds cool.)

-One thing I can't stand is when I'm leaving a voicemail for someone and in their message they instruct me to: "Please leave a brief message".

You know what? Eff you. I'm Pete Bryan. I will take as long as I want. Don't pull your voicemail power trips on me. Because I will win every time. I've been known to draaaaaag thiiiiiings ooooooout.

Seriously, how powerless must someone feel when they feel the need to tell people the proper way to leave a voicemail? It is sad.

-I put the rad in Colorado.

-Or so I've been told.

-I'm really not a big fan of the whole "Friends with Benefits" thing. Unless, of course, the benefit in question is a hot stack of flapjacks every Saturday morning.

-One thing I miss about home is watching crappy talk shows with Brother during my lunch break. My schedule in New York isn't very conducive for afternoon showings of the Maury Povich Show so I'll give you all a litte secret of what I use to fill the void: The personals section of Craigslist.

Now I have a couple friends who have posted personal ads on Craigslist so I can't claim that everyone on there is a complete trainwreck. But it is safe to say that 99% of the people on there are trainwrecks.

Now I know it is ironic for me to make fun of these folks considering I have as much game as an illiterate playing Boggle, but I can't resist.

First we have what I consider a classic New Yorker. A Greg Groffs, if you will:

http://newyork.craigslist.org/lgi/m4w/376245585.html

You gotta love the ALL CAPS. HE'S YELLING TO YOU LADIES! HE'S SO MUCH OF A CATCH THAT HE CAN'T KEEP HIS VOICE AT A REASONABLE LEVEL.

But for the most part he seems like a normal dude... until he throws in this gem:

Way to go fella, give the ladies what they want to see.

How about this guy:

http://newyork.craigslist.org/lgi/m4w/376102168.html

Check out the first line:

"just what the tittle reads simple girl wanted .no crazy wacko's . "

The "tittle"? Really? What's on your mind there fella? Notice the punctuation. A double space then a period at the end of the sentence. At first I thought it was an innocent typo. But then he did it twice in a row. I also like the spelling of wacko's. What exactly is wacko showing ownership of in this sentence? I'm confused.

Now I'm not trying to be a grammar Nazi. Lord knows that this blog is filled with dozens and dozens of errors. But we're not talking about a blog here, we're talking about a guy putting himself out there for one last chance at love! This is serious business! You'd think he'd mix in some proofreading. Or at least run it past a guy who can read at the sixth grade level.

But you know what they say, when all else fails show everyone that one picture of you and Bon Jovi:

Way to go fella, give the ladies what they want to see.

This guy also has a second post stating that he is looking for the "missing link" and someone with a "grate build".... hmmmm missing link, eh.... how about this:

This guy posted a picture of himself getting a perm:

That's a little sample or what you'll find. Go to www.craigslist.org and check it out for yourself. Welcome to your new guilty pleasure.

-I have two things to say to the guy who lives above us and somehow landed a used condom on our window seal:

1) Nice shot!
2) What the fuck?

-So last weekend I had to get out of the city. I wanted to go camping but I was afraid. The last couple times I've been camping I've suffered from a bear attack and a moose attack. (no joke)

So I recruited super camper Li who once took a camping class in college. (screw business class.)

We went to Clarence Fahnstock State Park.

Hooooray for camping!!!

We decided to go on a hike and show off our super powers.

BEHOLD! Pete's ability to jump really high and hang from stuff!

BEHOLD! Li's ability to balance on logs!

BEHOLD! Pete's super strength allowing him to bend trees to their breaking point!

BEHOLD! Li's super strength allowing her to lift the heaviest of boulders!

Then we went to a lake where I proceeded to take lots of pictures of Li so I could post them on my blog and claim that she is my girlfriend and look really cool to the fellas back home.

Hey fellas back home! Here is a picture of my girlfriend at the lake. Aren't I cool?:

"Where did we get our super powers from?" you're probably asking yourself.

The answer is simple:

SMORES!

The next day we went to a beach at a nearby lake and waged an epic battle of Battleship.

In one corner you had Admiral Randall Vanderschmitt IV.

Admiral Vanderschmitt was schooled at the Queen's Naval Academy. His pensive, strategic and logical approach towards battle is world-renowned and respected among his peers.

In the other corner you have Admiral Princess Leia.

Admiral Leia is known for the unorthodox and unpredictable tactics she learned growing up under the watchful eye of renowned pirate Sir Henry Morgan. Some see her as a revolutionary sea captain, others see her as a loose cannon.

This was truly a clash of different philosophies. An epic battle that will go down in the history books.

Unfortunately, I can't remember what happened.

All I can remember is thinking that maybe Admiral Princess Leia might want to start working on the whole "gracious winner" thing.

-I think if we started refering to homeless people as "nomadic hunter-gatherers" then they might have a better reputation in the community.

-My favorite most unexpected joy of New York City: The people taking a carriage ride around Central Park are never smiling! Hilarious. I think about 5 minutes into the ride they realize they've been had.

-I'm not a very squeamish dude, but all the rats running around Union Square had my skin crawling. The park's namesake, Phillip Unionsquare, is probably rolling in his grave at the sight of all those vermin running wild.

-All right, it is bedtime now. I have a big day ahead of me! I'm going to see Transformers!

Heck, who am I kidding? I'm not going to sleep tonight, I'm too excited. TRANSFORMERS!

The strength within you will make the sadness disappear

2007-07-08T22:43:00.000-06:00

So my roommate has a friend over who is sleeping on the couch so I can't stay up and watch Adult Swim on Cartoon Network. Probably my favorite Sunday night tradition since stumbling across the Aqua Teens, The Brak Show, etc. one evening about 5 or 6 years ago.

I also have a billion beers in my fridge that I need to drink and nothing is more fun than slamming some brewskis and watching the Aqua Teen Hunger Force fight crime at 2 in the morning.

Instead, I'm in my room watching this very blog you are reading!

"So Pete, why do you have a billion beers in your fridge?" you may be asking.

Good question. It is the aftermath of this:

Lets break down the evening:

The folks start to file in. Everyone is pleasant enough, but we know some fierce competition is in our future:

First up, a girl vs girl showdown:

Seriously, is this the hottest picture in the history of mankind?

The thrill of victory!

The agony of defeat!

I tried to get all artistic here and it didn't work out like I had hoped:

Next up, the fellas! Aaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwww yah! Time to wup some ass, right?

The game in process:

I can't remember what happened after that though. But the outcome isn't really important, is it? It's the fact that we all had fun. That's all that counts, right? Right?

Kinda cool:

Then I did a Long Distance 1-800 Shot with brother!

Brother is totally rocking the slicked back mohawk. The ladies love it.

Here's the problem when you're chugging light beer all night then suddenly switch over to a bottle of vodka: You forget that there's a difference between the two.

So I chugged a mighty large portion of that bottle and I really don't remember a whole lot after that.

But I think everyone had fun so I say that the night was a success! Huzah!

Now I have a good deal of Bud in my fridge. I'm just gonna watch me a lot of NASCAR and Bass Masters and get rid of that Redneck Refreshment.

The Flipcup Invitation also marked the first time I had guests over to my apartment. I was hesitant at first because my room was empty and devoid of color and looked like the room of a mental patient. Or like the time my brother took down all his posters to try and freak my parents out.

But thanks to the generious and super awesome housewarming gift from Auntie Claudia my room doesn't look like somewhere you'd keep a kidnapping victim any more. She got me 6 flags from every country I've ever been. I could only fit 4 of them into this picture because I don't have one of those crazy lenses.

Speaking of Claudia, she turned the big 18 today! Woooooohooooo!

Here's classic Claudia, cooling off a beer for me because it was too warm. Claudia is the most selfless person I know:

So how is this for the best freaking news of all time: A brand freaking new Chipotle at 110th and Broadway just opened!!

I'm not sure if you all realize how mammothly huge this is for the life of Pete Bryan. Before the nearest Chipotle was way down on 52nd or something. Basically an hour or so on the subway (roundtrip). This new one on 110 is about 10 minutes. It's close enough that I can get a burrito to-go and it'll still be semi-warm when I get home.

It's not perfect though. Unfortunatley this location is right by Columbia University and it's always full of Ivy League douchebags. (seriously, you could be the greatest person in the world, but if you're between me and my Chipotle you're a douchebag.)

I'm just hoping as the newness of the place wears off the lines will die down a little. But one of these days I'm just gong to lose it and start yelling "LET ME IN FRONT! THIS IS MY SHIT YOU A-HOLES! I WAS EATING CHIPOTLE BACK WHEN YOU WERE IN DIAPERS!"

I seriously think anyone with a Colorado drivers lisence should be allowed to move to the front of the line. It's only fair.

And in return I propose that all New Yorkers are able to move to the front of the line of any pawn shop to buy a fine gold chain. Or to the front of the unemployment line. Or whatever the hell it is New Yorkers do.

I just need my Chipotle routine back. Right now the customers and some of the employees are caught up in the newness of it all. Back in Cap Hill I had my routine. Open the door, grab free reading material (The Onion on Mondays and the Westword on Thursdays), say hello to the lady who steams the tortillas and ask her how her kids are doing. She tells me about a birthday party she took them to (on Mondays) or a birthday party she's going to take them to (on Thursdays). (I swear this lady knows a different person who has a birthday on every weekend of the year. Or "birthday party" is one of the few things she knew in English.) At no point does she ask me what I want because she already knows: Steak burrito, pinto beans, mild salsa, cheese.

Next I shoot the new manager a dirty look because he is a portion Nazi and he never compensates me for giving him a parking pass. A free burrito never hurt nobody!

Next I move on to the cute girl behind the cash register. She rings up a chicken burrito (in your face New Manager! Cute girl just saved me 30 cents!) and a small drink. Then she tells me that her and her friends are going to some Salsa/Merengue/Reggaeton club/party/gathering put on by a spanish language radio/tv/newspaper and I should meet up with them.

I say, "yeah! I'll try!" But I have no intention because I'm allergic to Salsa/Merengue/Reggaeton.

News: The Colorado Rockies swept the New York Yankees and the New York Mets becoming the first team to sweep two New York teams in like, 60 years.
Views: As hilarious as that is, I still don't give a flying eff about baseball. But thanks for trying.

No offense members of Def Leppard, because I know you read this, but when I put my iPod on shuffle it plays "Photograph" way too much.

I always have so much great stuff to write then i always forget it.

And talk about Def Leppard instead.

People always wonder what blogs I frequent. Well here you go:

www.joystiq.com

because I'm a dork

www.smashbros.com

because I'm a dork

www.basketbawful.com

because I like basketball. And I'm a dork.

t-shirts-around.blogspot.com

because I like t-shirts

www.blogmaverick.com

because I like Mark Cuban

blog.myspace.com/steptie

because I like having my mind blown. Or just laughing.

www.waiterrant.net

It's not as good as it used to be though

postsecret.blogspot.com

this is good stuff, you just gotta trust me.

I would mention Troy's blog (blog.myspace.com/troyfilm) if he didn't erase me as a myspace friend a year or so ago. He's dead to me now.

Brother's, Nate's and Becca's all have potential to be listed but they don't post enough.

Aight. Time to go to bed.

I'm all kinds of hungry though. Hmmmm... I need to start leaving snacks in my bedroom.

OH MAN! Something super exciting. My co-worker Stephen has a roommate who finished the Baseball Challenge. I have never finished one. It is something that shames me. It's pretty simple: Eat one hot dog and drink one beer every inning of a baseball game. It's never the 9 beers in 3 hours that gets me. It's the nine hot dogs. I'm a skinny dude, I just can't throw that down.

But they're planning on holding a Baseball Challenge soon. And by-golly, Pete Bryan is gonna do it! YEAH!

I have a new favorite baseball player: Ichiro Suzuki. It has nothing to do with baseball. I has everything to do with this quote:

"If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd punch myself in the face, because I'm lying."

YES! I had to rub my eyes and make sure that wasn't something I said. He'd punch himself in the face? That is so glorious.

Freaking Cleveland. The mistake by the lake. There is nothing good about that town. Not one thing.

I will leave you with this piece of awesome (squint to see the fineprint):

Shortest entry ever

2007-07-02T21:54:00.000-06:00

Not to beat a dead horse or anything but once again I have this to say to Mr. Street Hustler Asking For Change: I am not your brother. We will never be brothers.

My brother is a Jager chugging, glass chewing, Iraqi shooting, lady killing, bad ass who has the entire Castle Pine Villiage on fucking lock down. And he knows all the lyrics to the Growing Pains theme song.

You on the other hand, are an unshaven, underachieving, unshowered stink factory who stands by the subway entrance all day hoping to get richer 25 cents at a time.

Notice the difference?

I repeat, we are not brothers.

For the most part I like the folks on the streets. I would like to extend a special thank you to the guy walking down the street with a see-through mesh tank top on while pumping "Mr. Telephone Man" by New Edition from his boombox.

I don't know what you were thinking when you stepped out of the house, but whatever you're doing, keep doing it. It works.

Note to New Yorkers: There is this new technology that scientists have placed into the mouthpiece section of you cellphone called "microphones". These "microphones" make it possible to speak into your cellphone using your "inside voice" no matter how far away the person on the other end is.

That is some News You Can Use for this week New Yorkers. Here is a schedule of upcoming News You Can Use topics specifically for New Yorkers:

1) The joys of urinating in a "toilet" (pronounced "toy-let")
2) Car horns are for emergencies only and should be used sparingly
3) For optimum privacy, the street corner probably isn't the best place to get into a heated argument with a significant other
4) Baseball really isn't as great as you think it is
5) Same goes for the Scissor Sisters or whatever the crappy "New York Band of the Moment" is.
6) I don't care how many vaginas she was born with, that's really not an appropriate conversation to have within earshot of other patrons at the cafe
7) Your body odor isn't a gift to be shared with others

I'm going to stop at 7 because John Elway is my favorite athlete ever (besides myself, of course)

Rough list of my Top 10 athletes of all time:

1) John Elway, quarterback, Denver Broncos (like a second, richer father)

2) Peter Forsberg, center, Colorado Avalance (like Jesus with a slapshot)

3) Bradlee Van Pelt, quarterback, Colorado State University (His antics, like the infamous Head Spike, have inspired me to be the a-hole I am today)

4) John O'Brien, midfield, US National Team (Greatest US soccer player of all time, unfortunatley his bones were made up of a composite of tissue paper and the tears of infants)

5) Steve Atwater, safety, Denver Broncos (anyone who dare wear Atwater's hallowed number 27 should get shot

(too soon for that joke?)

6) Carmelo Anthony, forward, Denver Nuggets (all things considered, he really hasn't done a damn thing.)

7) Nick Van Exel, point guard, Denver Nuggets (I will defend Nick the Quick to my death)

8) Cecil Sapp, running back, Colorado State University (Cecil the effing Diesel. What else do you need to know?)

9) Robert Pack, point guard, Denver Nuggets (dunks over tall guys, plenty of turnovers and the finest flat-top this side of the R&B section at your record store)

10) Bobby Humphrey, running back, Denver Broncos (My first favorite player. He won the Rookie of the Year award, was wildly underrated in Tecmo Super Bowl and I owned every one of his rookie cards. Then he got shot in the foot. As did my dreams of cashing those rookie cards in for big bucks.)

I've been listening to a lot of Peter Tosh lately. I like Peter Tosh because he's always been the edgiest of the orginal Wailers. For those who don't know, the original Wailers consisted of Bob Marley, Peter Tosh and Bunny Wailer. They all had their own unique personality that they brought to the group. It's hard to explain, the best way to understand them is to pretend that your girlfriend just broke up with you and you talk to them about it.

Bob would be the friend that's super positive and tells you how much you're going to grow from the experience and there are more fish in the sea and everything is going to be okay. But deep down you resent him because it's easy for him to blow sunshine when he's dating Miss Jamaica.

Peter would be the buddy who says, "You know what? Eff girls. Lets get shit-faced and throw things off a bridge into oncoming traffic." Deep down you love Peter but you know that he's not the greatest influence on you and should probably be avoided during times like these.

Bunny is the guy in your crew that you are friends with but when you think about it you realize that you've never actually done something with him one-on-one. Except that one time everyone was supposed to meet for Happy Hour but everyone flaked out except for you and Bunny so you just kinda stood around for an hour and a half of awkwardness. "Oh shit, drink specials are done now," you say while looking at your watch, "I gotta fly." Mercifully the night ends.

Oh yeah, Bunny will probably ask your ex-girlfriend out on a date.

Tava came out this weekend and we saw the sites. We did all kinds of New York-type stuff, except that time we ate at KFC. That wasn't very New York of us at all.

Best of all we took in a free Ozomatli concert in Central Park! (seriously, I've seen three Ozo shows in N.Y. now. Two of them for free! Crazy. You gotta love this town!)

Here's a pic I found on the Interwebs. Can you spot Pete? I'm so tall in this town!

Aight. Bed time for Pedro.

These are pictures and stories from Vegas

2007-06-26T21:38:00.001-06:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been a little busy. So I'll go ahead and bust out a good blog for you.

Have you ever met one of those ladies who love Phantom of the Opera so much that they're on a first name basis with it? Bugs the hell out of me. Por ejemplo:

Pete: Hey old lady, what's up?
Lady: Nothing much.
Pete: Really? You're glowing. You seem happy. What's up?
Lady: Well, I just got back from the most fantastic performance of Phantom ever!
Pete: Phantom? That movie with Ben Affleck. That sucked dude. You're high.
Lady: No! Phantom of the Opera!
Pete: Then why didn't you just say so you pretentious wench?
Lady: I don't know if that's a very nice thing for you to say.
Pete: You remind me of a famous play: Taming
Lady: Taming? Never heard of it.
Pete: Oh sorry, what I meant was The Taming of the Shrew. Now make me a sandwich!

And scene.

I don't know anything about musicals and all that, but I always got the impression that if musicals were wine, Phantom would be the type that comes in a box.

Correct me if I'm wrong. I really have no idea.

I was just in Vegas for Steve's wedding. I heart Vegas.

There is one thing I always see whenever I go to Vegas and it cracks me up. I'm talking about the group of guys who are obviously on their first trip. They had big plans of hitting the casino and gambling. They've played poker games in their basement, read about blackjack on the internet, figure roulette is pretty self-explanitory and have played a bastardized version of craps with their buddies.

So they feel they're ready to hit the tables. Make a scene. But the same thing always happens: they get stage fright. Every time. I don't know if it's the fact that they have to deal with real people and they don't know what to do. Or they get cold feet putting real money on the line... I don't know what it is. But I do know they always end up mingling around the slot machines like a bunch of idiots. Waiting for someone, anyone, to grow some stones and take the plunge.

So what happens? I don't know, I never stick around long enough to find out. I usually move on when the blue haired lady with a bucket full of dollar coins asks them to move away from her lucky machine.

"Loosest slots in Vegas!" she proclaims.

Yuck, old ladies talking about loose slots... lets move on.

(Quick tangent: Touching on a subject in a previous blog, my dream girl will know the difference between "lose", "loose" and "loss". I see people mess those up so often it makes me want to loose it.)

(HA! You see what I just did there!)

Me and my buddies never went through that intial awkward Vegas phase. We just rolled into town and took Vegas by storm (more on this later). I was trying to think why... was it because we're just cooler than most kids? Maybe. A little more liberal with our spending habits? Probably.

But the truth? It's simple: When in Vegas, more often than not, we were incredibly shit-faced. A little Liquid Courage can get you anywhere in this crazy life of ours. Remember that kiddos.

Anyway, back to us "taking Vegas by storm".

We were killing time before our first Vegas roadie. You have to time it just right so you make most of your trip during the night. (It can get mighty hot during the day.) Show up to Vegas in the morning, gamble a couple hours until you can check into your room and then take shifts power napping in the room.

We decide to make a killer road trip CD. (This is before MP3 players, when people had stacks and stacks of blank CDs everywhere. I swear I had a different mix CD for any occasion.) We were trying to think of the perfect song to play for the moment we first hit The Strip. And I had the perfect suggestion: "Rock You Like A Hurricane" by The Scorpions.

Imagine a bunch of punch-drunk morons driving down The Strip at 5 in the morning blasting Rock You Like a Hurricane, hanging out the windows, yelling and pointing at anyone who will look at us. That's how you make an entrance! THAT'S HOW YOU DEBATE!

I really have no point.

So lets get to some pictures, shall me? (WE SHALL!!)

This first picture really has nothing to do with anything. It is the ghetto blaster for the next generation! Notice the song playing. That's how I roll.

I had a hard time leaving my room on Friday night. It had all the things I don't have in Harlem: Privacy, air conditioning, cleanliness, a king size bed and a mirror on the ceiling. Yes, a mirror on the ceiling! What are those for anyway?

This is me maxin and relaxin':

I had to meet up with my girlfriends a little later though:

Here's a little safety tip about those topless shows: Don't sit in the front row. It may sound like a sweet idea but it's not.

How would I know? I'll weave you a quick tale:

I'm going to a topless show at the Tropicana as a favor for my girlfriend at the time. (No bullshit! I promise this is completely true) The ticket agent tells us what seats are available and i'm all physced when I see open seats in the front: "Lets get those ones!"

That's just no good. Because they can see you in the front row and they love to make eye contact. So just imagine the feeling of getting caught checking out some lady's cans. Now imagine that feeling about 150 times in a row.

Now you're feeling like a scumbag so you're trying to divert your eyes somewhere else but you can't just doze off into space because you're in the front row and you don't want to be rude so instead you start focusing on things like their choreography, their fancy headdresses, the beautiful stage design, etc. Now you leave the theater in that state-of-mind and you start thinking all kinds of crazy things like: "You know, I've always wondered what a cosmo tastes like... maybe I should try one!"

So when you go to one of those shows just make sure you're sitting at least 5 rows back. Then you can just sit and stare in privacy. Like the pervert we all know and love.

Huh... Vegas kinda looks like a turd during the day:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!! Cousin has no idea what's going on in this picture!

The venue for the wedding:

Do you know what we need? We need a candid photo of the bridal party getting ready for the wedding! But who can help us? Who has the knowledge, the know how, the ELBOW GREASE to pull off such a photo?

Enter Pete Bryan:

"And there's one more girl you won't be getting" -Young M.C.

Heads were turning as we paraded around the casino floor. I'm pretty sure it had to do with us groomsmen and Michelle had nothing to do with it:

We look good. I mean really good. Hey everyone come see how good we look!

What have I said about never letting Pete have access to a microphone? He just might jump on a chair and start yelling "YOU'RE GROWNS UP AND YOU'RE GROWNS UP AND YOU'RE GROWNS UP!!"

and then start stripping in front of your wife and kids:

For the record, I was quoting this scene from me and Steve's favorite movie. So get off my back:

That last scene is hilarious. But I think the best scene from the movie is this one:

Another rule: Don't let Pete dance with your lady. I got moves:

Awwwwww....

Awwwww....

Awwwww....

Drew got to leave in a wheelchair! Lucky!!!

My favorite pic of the night:

This is Steve and Michelle entering the Britney Spears Suite. (No bullshit, it was awesome with a 180 degree view of The Strip. It was huge.)

Looks like it is time for us to go:

One final note: If I could go to Vegas and just once, ONCE, if I could go the entire time without hearing someone say, "What happens in Vegas...... STAYS IN VEGAS!"... I don't know what I'd do.

Cry tears of joy? Perhaps.

I can always dream.

Happy Father's Day!

2007-06-17T23:02:00.000-06:00

I'm pretty excited to see my sister's wedding photos from the professional photographer. I was on his website and he's got some pretty cool pics. Here are some I was able to zap off his website but the picture quality isn't all that great because I had to change formats and do all sorts of crazy computer geek stuff to steal them.

This is Dani and Gabe kissing. The sparks are flying... HARDY HAR HAR!!! Good lord my wordplay is tremendous.

This is Gabe and his groomsmen paying homage to Queen:

I'm confused what I'm doing in this pic. I'm the one pointing to the sky. I'm pretty sure I'm giving it up for my homey Pac who done passed away. But now that I live on the East Coast I think I'm supposed to be giving it up for my homey Biggie who done passed away.

Unrelated Random Sidenote: Don't eat crunchy Cheetos in bed. Yuck.

If that was the advice of a fortune cookie you'd say, "Don't eat crunchy Cheetos in bed.... IN BED!"

I have to apologize to brother for posting a picture in a previous post where he looks positively thuggish and ruggish. Now people think that's what he's like in real life. In this photo we were just playing dress up:

He really looks like this in real life:

So June 17th is a special day for me. I remember exactly where I was a year ago today. I was in Puerto Viejo, Costa Rica. Trying to call Brother from some random cell phone in the middle of nowhere. I was on my way to Johnny's to drink Pilsens and dance to some reggae music with B-Squared, Steven & Jenn and Ry-Guy. I'm pretty sure that was the infamous night that I locked Ryan out of our room and he had to sleep in a hammock. He still hasn't forgave me. Eventhough I accidentally recreated that scenerio a couple weeks later during the drunken night to end all drunken nights. I was a Drunken Knight, if you will. (Oh, I will.)

Now a year later I'm all the way across the country in NYC, B-Squared quit her gig at the Center for Diease Control in Atlanta and is moving to Los Angeles, Steven & Jenn are also leaving Hotlanta for Chicago so Jenn can go to grad school at Northwestern and my special Ry-Guy leaves tomorrow for Ecuador where he'll spend two years there with the Peace Corps.

Crazy. It blows my mind how much can change in one year.

I think there is a life lesson in there: Don't take anything for granted and really take time to appreciate the present. Like my main man Ferris Bueller once said, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it."

It is Brother's birthday!! I'm not going to write a tribute to him though because that would set a precident and I really don't want to write tributes to whoever has a birthday.

Plus every moment of my existance is a tribute to my brother.

This video sums up me and Brother nicely. I suggest you watch it because of its accuracy and its hilarity:

June 17th is also Father's Day! A tribute to my father is in order.

When I was a little guy I vividly remember feeling bad for other kids because their dads were so lame. My dad wasn't like everyone elses. I know everyone's dads had their strong points and everything but my Pops was on a different level. My dad is an effing Superhero.

I remember kids wouldn't believe that he was my dad. He'd walk in with the guns and the dreamy blonde hair that drove the ladies crazy (mom) and all my friends would think he was my older brother. I could sense the jealousy from other kids.

So your pops is a doctor? Yeahh... cool. Well my dad pulls in six figures and can dunk. So eff you, I win.

I loved going to my Dad's softball games. I'm not sure if my Dad was the best player on the team but I do know he hit the home runs. And that's the difference between my dad and other dads. Other dads might throw a killer 20 foot arc from the pitcher's mound, they might be crafty with the glove at shortstop, they might even score the game from the dugout and keep statistics. Not my dad. My dad was the one who pounded the shit out of the ball to straight away center. Or pop up trying.

One of Pop's super powers was to slow down time. He always had time for us and I could never figure out how. He coached almost all of me and my brother's teams and if he didn't coach he was at every practice.

But he wasn't your run of the mill coach. Most youth coaches are all kinds of lame. They get all serious and think they're Phil Jackson. Not my dad.

My dad was a mastermind when it came to designing plays. One would think that his greatest play call of all time was the time he diagrammed a play where our point guard dribbled to center court, turned his back to the basket and flinged the ball over his head. No, that one didn't come close to our bread and butter play, Nagano.

Nagano was a very special play. The type of play you can only run once. It called for our Point Guard to dribble out of bounds and shoot on a hoop on another court. It's probably the funniest damn thing you'll ever see. Everyone yelling "NAGANO! NAGANO!" and setting up for what looks like a serious play and then seeing the guard dribble right out of bounds and shoot on another hoop on another court.

We did it once. This kid Drew was running the point. The ref gave us a technical foul for showboating. Which makes sense. If we weren't down by 8 points at the time. And the worst part of all is that Drew missed the shot!

One time Pops almost made an opposing coach cry. It was when I was playing flag football. At the time I wanted to play soccer and football but my parents wouldn't let me do both so we compromised on soccer and flag football. Flag football turned out to be pretty fun because you can do all kinds of crazy things with formations and there aren't as many rules as real football.

Plus all the real athletes either played soccer or football, so that left a bunch of goobers playing flag football. I was like Bo Jackson of that league... no... I was more like... dare I say... Tecmo Bo Jackson. No bullshit.

True story: One year we wore purple jerseys and were nicknamed the Pirates. I played quarterback, safety and punt returner and tried to dominate every aspect of the game. After leading the Pirates to victory with one of my usual 5 touchdown, 10 tackle, 2 interception performances one of my teammate's mom said, "We should rename the team the Purple Peters"

We all observed a moment of silence due to the awkwardness of the moment.

Anyway, back to the original story. In flag football the coaches were allowed in the huddles and they could stay on the field during plays. Except for our team. Pops stayed on the sidelines and signaled the plays into me. (That's the difference between Pops and other coaches. While other coaches would be working gameplans and stuff like that, we were working on secret hand signals.)

So off the bat the other team's coach is perturbed. For some reason this really bugged him. "He's gotta be in the huddle!" he'd yell.

We ran a simple offense. We would either go "Power Left" or "Power Right". We'd basically shift almost every player on the team to one side and pick up lots of yardage simply because we outnumbered the defense. Sure we left the defensive end and tackle on the other side of the field unblocked but there was no way they were going to catch me or my running back from behind.

So Pops is signaling in plays, we're running our Power Left and Right plays and just making huge gains. This goes on for two quarters and we're blowing these guys out. The other coach is starting to get pissed off and finally at halftime he has the brains to make an adjustment. When I shifted my offense to one side he had his entire defense shift to that side too.

This change in strategy slowed us down a little bit. We were facing a third down when Pops signaled in the play I had been waiting for: Power Right, Fake Option, Pass Back.

You see, when we'd shift we always left a Receiver at the other side of the field. He went ignored for the entire game up to this point.

So I get the snap, sprint to my right, fake a pitch to my running back, plant my feet and throw all the way across the field to my Reciever who is all alone on the other side of the field. He catches it and sprints to any easy TD.

At this point the other coach loses it. He's throwing his clip board, yelling to the refs that we're not playing fair and still complaining that we don't have a coach in our huddle. At this point I see tears. I swear to god.

Pops made the other coach cry. I'm pretty sure it was his greatest coaching moment of all time.

Anyway, I was trying to think of my favorite Pops stories and here are some:

-We are in Idaho camping 10-15 years ago. The family decides to take a hike to an old mining site. On the way we reach a river. This river isn't all that deep, maybe knee deep at its deepest. But it's running fast. And the rocks underneath have been polished by the rushing water and they're slippery as hell. So eventhough the water isn't all that deep if you slip the current is going to get you and you'll be in all kinds of trouble.

So we're hesitant to cross. (And as some people already know, I had/have a crazy fear of rushing water for some reason. So I'm EXTRA hesitant at this point.)

But turning around is not an option for Pops. We're here to see the mine, damn it. And we're gonna see it. So Pops throws us over his shoulder and carries us across the river one by one. Me, Brother, Sister and Madre. The rushing water? Didn't matter. The weight of having a human being on your shoulder? Didn't matter. The slippery rocks underneath? No big deal. Not when you're a freaking superhero.

-It's the summer of '94. We're having a BBQ in the park after one of my dad's softball games. We have one of those water balloon slingshots so we're shooting balloons all over the park. One stray ballon accidentally lands in the outfield of an in progress softball game.

Seconds later some tiny dude with an aluminum bat and a Napoleon complex comes screaming to our picnic site. He's screaming about interupting their game, people can get hurt, and other stuff. A lot of what he said didn't make sense because the dude freaking lost it. So little Napoleon With A Bat is about to end his rant when my Pops walks over, towers over him and says, "Yeah, you're a real tough guy with a bat in your hand."

Napoleon is silent for a couple seconds and sulks off... I guess that wasn't the apology he was looking for.

-Me and Pops are watching the Broncos play the Redskins. It is miserable. This is one of the worst Bronco teams in awhile and we're getting beat by a horrible Redskin team who is coached by Marty Schottenheimer of all people. To make matters worse, this freezing wind comes out of nowhere bringing with it the worst sleet storm of all time. Me and Pops just have sweatshirts on so we're freezing. Lesser men would leave at this point. But Pops had an idea. We headed over to the concession stand and asked for garbage bags. We punched a hole in them and wore them like ponchos.

So there it is, my favorite Pops memory of all time: Me and Pops, sitting in the nosebleeds, middle of an ice storm, half empty stadium, wearing trash bags and watching the Broncos getting their asses kicked.

Doesn't get much better than that.

A lot of Pops' values that he has tried to teach me are represented there:

1)Loyalty: You've gotta be loyal to your team/family/friends no matter what. It doesn't matter if they're down or if the weather is crappy.
2)Getting your money's worth: We paid to see 4 quarters of football and damn it, we were going to see 4 quarters of football.
3)Ingenuity: Find solutions with what you have, whether its with camping, cooking, computer programming or finding shelther from the storm.
4)Badass-ness: Seriously, who leaves a Bronco game early? Be a man.

-My last story: It always seemed to snow on Halloween when we were kids. There was nothing better than the looks on my friends faces when I'd show up to their door trick-or-treating. "We weren't allowed to go out, my parents wouldn't go in the snow" they'd say. "Your dad actually came out with you?"

Hell yeah he did. And we're trying to fill this pillow case up. So get to the candy!

Well, those are some of my favorite Pops stories. I could really go on all night but I'm tired.

So happy father's day Pops! Probably the best thing you've done for me is made it so I can't wait to have some kids and be a father myself. I got some mighty big shoes to fill, but I know if I ever need help I have a Superhero to save me.

Wasted potential

2007-06-13T23:40:00.000-06:00

So I forgot about the funniest freaking thing of all time. The first time I saw this I was either really tired or really under the influence because I thought I had dreamt it. But I was on Naterade's myspace page and he had the video:

The best part is that it has spawned a million spoofs. Like this one:

Freaking hilarous. Brother is always talking about Imogen Heap. I understand now. What a fine tune.

One more:

Okay, one more:

Yeah, I was going to write the greatest blog ever but I got too distracted by those videos and now I have to got to bed. There are like a million spoofs on YouTube. Most suck but I still watched them anyway. That song is called "Hide & Seek" by Imogen Heap. Download it now and you can have your own super dramatic moments.

Before I go I wanted to talk about the Black 8. A lot of people don't know what that is. To make a Black 8 you start with a 40 of Olde English 800. You drink it down to the label like so:

(Note: I couldn't find any Olde E 800 so I got Colt 45 instead. That was a mistake. You must get Olde E or it won't taste right)

Then you pour a bottle of Guinness in:

It mixes together and you get this:

Then you call your friends and tell them how delicious your drink is!

Again, you have to get Olde E or it won't taste as good.

You know, I really had a lot to say but it's bed time now. It's all YouTube's fault.

Do you know what I love?

THis:

Let me axe you a question: Who has a better life than Pete Bryan?

I'll tell you who: Chuck Norris.

And that's it.

Pretty good if you ask me.

Hold on. Time for a 1-800 Shot with Brother....

Damn it. He's sleeping.

I'm going to post the picture where I look like a velociraptor again because it's so awesome:

Dude, I'm super excited for my first ever House Warming party. I have a bunch of my friends addicted to Flip Cup and I have a decent Flip Cup table in my kitchen. Plus the kitchen has all kinds of linoleum flooring, which is perfect in case there is any spillage during the Flip Cup.

So I'll have Flip Cup in the kitchen, Nintendo Wii in the living room. Now that's a house warming party.

What a waste of a blog post this was. I had some good stuff in mind. Whatev.

Weddings and stuff

2007-06-10T17:32:00.000-06:00

Been awhile since my last post. Lots of stuff to cover. I keep getting distracted when I log onto the internets. Have you guys played with the Google Street View. It only works in a couple cities, but it turns out two of the cities are New York and Denver so I can spend hours playing with that thing.

Crazy story: Talking with a new girl at work named Meredith. She learns I'm from Colorado and tells me about a friend of her's that lived in Colorado. Her friend had a sometimes awkward childhood. She was some kind of unique ethnic blend (I forgot the specifics) and her family moved her to a tiny little community where she felt really out of place with her "dark features". So much so that she'd always do things like dye her hair lighter so she'd fit in better with all the blonde-haired Barbie dolls at her high school.

So Meredith can't recall the little town her friend was from so she has me start naming off various Colorado hick towns. A certain hick town is mentioned and Meredith was like, "Yep! That's it!"

The town? Franktown, Colorado.
The high school her friend attended? Ponderosa H.S.

Ponderosa High School: Celebrating Diversity since... well... never.

Brother calls me last night and informs me that Nuggets guard Dermarr Johnson was tasered outside of a Denver nightclub last night. But that story is only half-true. D.J. wasn't at a nightclub in Denver, he was at the freaking Purple Martini in the Tech Center.

Seriously D.J. Is that what's hot on the streets right now? The Tech Center? You working on your street cred with the young professional, business casual, after work, yuppie-in-training, happy hour crowd?

Who in the hell gets tasered outside of the Purple Martini in the Tech Center? How does this happen? Heated argument over accounting techniques? Maybe he got on the wrong side of an Internet Explorer versus Firefox debate. I heard those can get mad heated.

Unbelievable. Great job D.J. What's next? Are you going to get pepper sprayed outside of a Highlands Ranch homeowners association meeting? Shot with rubber bullets outside of a PTA meeting at Cherry Creek High School?

So I got another wedding coming up. It'll be at the Rio in Las Vegas. Ahhhhhh... sweet sweet Las Vegas. Oh how Pete has missed you. It'll be my third time giving the best man speech. Usually I'd be super nervous but I learned giving the best man speech isn't all that bad compared to other things you could be doing.

For example, Brother had to run Danielle and Gabe's entire ceremony. He did all right, well... except for the fact that he was crying the whole time. Brother can be such a girl sometimes. I wonder where he got that from... hmmmm... probably from Pops who single handedly could have filled Denver's aquifers for the entire summer with his tears of joy.

Which is good because we really need the moisture.

So thank goodness for Pete. Pete Bryan shed not a tear. Do you know what "Peter" means? It means "Rock" in whatever language it originates from. Pete Bryan is a rock. I was all kinds of stoic up there. I'm just hoping that I didn't end up in any photos because I don't want to see my face. I've always wondered what my "Trying Not To Cry" face looks like. I'm assuming not good. I bet it looks a lot like my "Really Need To Use The Bathroom At A Football Game But Right Now The Line Is About 15 People Deep And I'll Be Here Awhile" face.

I hate that face.

Anyway, it all worked out great. Brother dropped some serious knowledge on all of us. Some "news you can use", if you will. And yes, he quoted Meatloaf.

GROSS P.D.A.!!!!

Is this the point of the blog where I mention that before the ceremony my mom was seen in the Men's bathroom doing shots of vodka on multiple occasions? Is that something that I just shouldn't mention at all? Okay, I won't talk about that then.

Pops was feeling some butterflies too: RALPH!

Then we took four trillion pictures. I was able to get through it though because my cousin Cody was super clutch and snuck me a beer.

The dinner was lovely. I really wouldn't know I didn't eat any food. I guess I did sample the coconut shrimp that was covered with a delicious mango salsa... or something stupid like that. I was too busy talking to all the people there. I had family from both my mom and dad's sides. I also had a ton of friends there. It was a lot of fun.

But best of all I was the DJ. Yikes.

A couple rules about Pete Bryan:

1)Never send Pete to the liquor store with a handful of cash and say "Get whatever you like." Unless you like malt liquor.
2)Never play Pete at battle mode of Mario Kart. Unless you're in the mood for a complete and thourough ass kicking.
3)Never give Pete access to a microphone. Unless you want stuff like this to happen:

Actually I was pretty behaved. Sister and Gabe gave me a playlist and I stuck to it. But I'll be honest, the only reason I stuck to the playlist was because it was really good. The folks were on the floor shaking it like their rear-ends had Parkinson's.

If the music sucked I guarantee I would have gone free-style and played my own stuff. But it wasn't necessary.

Line dancing? You bet. That's how we roll:

I really like this picture:

The only bad part about being the DJ is that I missed out on one of my favorite wedding traditions: Messing with the groom's car. Fortunatley there were multitudes of people there to pick up the slack:

I like this picture a lot too. Look how happy Dani's face is. She's like, "Hooray! I'm NOT a hooker!"

I'll post more pics and stories as they come in. I really don't remember a whole lot. The night went by so fast. I'm pretty sure everyone had a lot of fun. Thanks to Claudy for supplying all the pics!

Oh yeah, I'm totally kidnapping Nola. I love her like she was my own. Because she's not... I swear. (Our secret is safe Jaymee)

So we were out on a random Thursday night. First we went to this roof top bar. I can't remember what it was called. Possibly "Douche Bag Central". You know how in every movie there is always the one guy who plays the role of villian. He's got a fancy car, a gaggle of Bluetooth enabled gadgets, a well groomed head of hair and a girlfriend who he treats like crap. (This girl is usually the object of affection of the movie's protaganist.)

Anyway, these types of guys don't only exist in movies, they also exist in real life! (Well, maybe not to the extreme of the movie characters but still pretty bad none-the-less)

I call these types of guys "Richards". This bar, Douche Bag Central, was full of Richards.

But OH! THE VISTAS! The vistas were so scenic! Lets go to the videotape:

This is a famous building or something. It is purple:

Another famous building, I've been told:

Then we went to another bar that didn't have scenic vistas but it did have cheaper drinks and 99% less Richards.

I love this picture. It is of me, Stephen, Sejal and Georgie. We look so classy and happy and cheesey. It should go on our CCS website. Something like, "Our CCS staff is here to help you with all your volunteering needs!"

But I am holding a beer so that might have to go. We could just photoshop something in there. Like make it look like I'm holding a puppy. Or the Olympic torch. Or endangered eagle eggs.

(if you cooked endangered eagle eggs would you be poaching poached eggs? Or would you have poached poached eggs?)

This picture also cracks me up. Georgie is making the "Good God, I See You Every Day On The Bus, Then The Train, Then You Sit In My Section For 8 Hours Then I See You On The Train And The Bus Again Going Home, For The Love Of God Please Leave Me Alone For Two Seconds" Face.

And I look awesome in that picture. I look like a velociraptor.

Okay, I gotta go now. I'm searching the internet for workout routines. Next week is the start of Men's Health Awareness Week. So I'm going to get all kinds of buffed. If figure it'll only take me a week to go from "Shockingly Skinny" to "Surprisingly Studly" if I put my mind to it.

I'm sure there are all kinds of workout routines online, I just gotta find them. I just can't distracted by a cool video on YouTube.... like I don't know.... Akon throwing some kid into the crowd....

Until next time.